Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
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Archive of "work life" Category
Working Questions: Bullies
Sitting in my cube last week, I started thinking about workplace bullies. Who are these people? What are they trying to compensate for in their own lives? Do they enjoy their attitudes or do they just not realize they are miserable? Who told them this was appropriate behavior? How do they justify treating their colleagues in such a toxic way? Did anyone ever tell them that you get more bees with honey?
I also started wondering: are the workplace bullies we encounter as adults the same bullies we encountered on the playground? Is it once a bully, always a bully? Or does something snap? Does a nerdy kid have a moment of “I’m not going to take this anymore” and just swing too far in the opposite direction?
Does the workplace bully just think they are practicing tough love?
Thoughts? Opinions?
I am so over my commute
It wasn’t so bad when I first started this job. I was still living at home with my parents and my office was only 10 miles from home. Actually, it was a nice little ride to the office. I could rock out in the car to Say Anything or clear my mind and do some much needed thinking.
I even planned most of my wedding during my commute home, catching up with vendors that I could not reach during the day.
But then I moved in with my husband. Which was great because living with your spouse is always better than not living with your spouse. Until I realized I was now 16 miles from work. And 16 miles from work actually meant that I had a 45 to 60 minute commute to work.
This meant that I was spending as much as 10 hours of my life each week getting to and from work.
Now that we’ve moved to Bristol, I’m twenty miles from work. And now I spend more like 12 hours a week in the car commuting.
Even writing about the commute makes my stress level go up. It gives me an overwhelming urge to only use run-on sentences, minimal punctuation but with additional exclamation points and a need to scream my head off and give someone the bird.
Maybe driving isn’t as relaxing as it used to be.
Commuting was kind of fun when I first started. In a weird way, it made me feel more like an adult. Sort of like it did when I paid the first health insurance bill. Except now, I’m very grateful for health insurance whereas I’m not so sure I’m grateful for my commute.
When I get home from work at night, I like to walk around the Boro and fantasize about a life without a commute to work. At first that looked like me being a stay at home wife while Brian went out and obtained lots of Benjamin’s for us but then after a while, I started to imagine him in a suit and tie with briefcase in hand and that sort of destroyed everything I love about my husband. Now I fantasize about waking up and either walking or biking to work. I imagine going out my back door, getting my bike and heading down Spring Street to a job that does not have business casual as a description in its dress code.
I have small town dreams these days.
How much does your candy dish cost?
A friend of mine works in an office where they recently removed the company candy dish as a cost saving measure. Really. I didn’t believe her when I first heard it but they did and now her office is candy free.
I’m trying to wrap my mind around it but it seems so ridiculous to me. After all, she works in a small legal office. That candy dish probably costs about $10 per week to fill or $520 to fill it annually. It’s not like they were filling the dish with Godiva either. Hershey’s chocolate at Sam’s Club is not a massive expensive.
Could her company really be in a position where $10 a week is truly going to make or break them?
My guess is no but they are probably using these economic times as an excuse to get rid of something that annoyed someone, somewhere at some time.
The candy dish itself doesn’t really matter.
But now the ill will the quick removal of that candy dish has caused will matter.
The best part about it is that they probably couldn’t have gotten rid of the candy dish slowly, with no one being the wiser. Maybe take a little longer on Monday to refill it. Maybe downgrade the goodies on Wednesday. Maybe next week, you wait until someone asks to refill the dish. And each time, you take a little longer until one day the dish just disappears. Poof!
Who knows where the candy dish is? And if no one can remember, then you are in the clear.
Instead, my friend is trapped in an office where everyone is talking about the candy dish. And if they had to get rid of the candy dish, then what else will they be getting rid of? Will there be bonuses this year? Will there be a raise this year? Will there be (dun, dun, dun) layoffs this year?
And now her company has spent more than $10 this week on paranoid rumblings and rumors.
Maybe that’s the important lesson for business owners and management: your employees are on edge and they are looking for a sign. They want something to tell them that everything is going to be fine and they won’t need to worry about paying their mortgage or finding college tuition money for their kids or having their vacation fund. They are looking for hope in a snickers bar. To you, getting rid of a candy dish is not a big deal but to your employees, it may very well be a prophecy of the company’s coming economic success. If you need to make cuts, do it. But cut something that matters and let everyone enjoy the happiness that is their afternoon candy treat.
We are the lucky ones
I usually don’t like to blog about the recession – it seems pointless to me. My husband and I aren’t really that special as far as an economic example. We both have jobs, we have no kids, I have student loans, and we just bought a house. Sure there are differences between our situation and our friends’ situations but in most cases the similarities are greater than the differences.
And besides, usually the recession doesn’t hit too close to home.
Brian and I are the lucky ones. I work in pharmaceuticals and while there have been some layoffs in the industry, I don’t need to worry about it too much. Brian has much less job security than I do though. Why? He is a finish carpenter. He doesn’t work unless you want to build or remodel.
We’ve been lucky though. Most days there is work for him. Most of the time, he can bring home a full paycheck. And on the days there is no work available for him, we try to remember that we’ve been given the blessing of an extra day to work on our home.
We’ve heard the horror stories. We had a friend who kept showing up at job sites and asking if there was any work available. He had great carpentry skills but was usually find work as a punch out guy or a paint and spackle bitch. We know another guy who took a huge pay cut just to stay with the home builder he had worked for. It helped him survive the layoff but it certainly didn’t help him pay child support.
The faces at the job sites are changing. Everyone is just trying to get by and many of the builders are just trying to keep their doors open. Supervisors are doing the work usually reserved for day laborers.
This past week, there were three horrible days when there was no work for Brian. The first day wasn’t so bad. The second day was concerning and annoying. The third day had my stomach in a knot: how were we going to pay the mortgage? What cuts can we make to our budget? Is the peanut butter I purchase for his lunch every day too expensive?
I also knew I was being ridiculous.
By Friday morning, I was a wreck. Was this a sign of things to come? Would I become the primary breadwinner in our family? Had the recession finally hit our home?
Fortunately there was work for Brian. And my sanity quickly returned as I heard the news. I could have danced around the office in joy. Once again, we were blessed.
When times are good, it can be so easy for this carpenter’s wife to forget what the bad looks like. When people are buying new homes or remodeling their old homes, my husband makes considerably more money than I do. He makes a family’s life better by changing the space they live in, transforming it into something truly beautiful.
But when the economic climate changes, our lifestyle changes very quickly. Even when we are the lucky ones.
This past week was a reminder, while we don’t have to make any major changes to the way we live right now, this is the time to start cutting back a bit. Do we really need to spend this much money on a gift? Why do I think I need new clothes? How can I save money at the grocery store? Why do we have so many online game accounts anyway?
So far, the biggest changes we have had to make involve changing our remodeling schedule for the house. While we had hoped to put in new windows this spring (the current windows are ancient), we’ll have to wait until 2010. After all, there are 20 windows that need replacing. That could easily cost us four thousand dollars to do the job properly. We’re going to wait a little longer to build our master bedroom suite but that’s okay. Keeping a roof over our heads is far more important.
We’ve also had to rethink about how we want to vacation. While we had been hoping that 2009 would be a big vacation year, we just can’t spend money that way right now. And if at the last minute, there was work available for Brian, we would have to take advantage of the available work. We’ll probably go camping this year (while I have separation anxiety from my laptop until it fully sinks in that I’ll be able to catch up on my reading list).
Navigating a recession and keeping your sanity means you need to stay focused on what you have and what you can do. I have a husband who loves me. I have a roof over my head. I have a good life. I can feel grateful for what I have. I can make wise choices with the things entrusted to my care. I can keep my eyes on what is coming over the horizon.
Change is always coming. What “this too shall pass” really means is cherish it while you have it. Even if it is unpleasant.
Making responsibility feel good
It can be easy to forget but there are some major differences between taking responsibility and taking credit.
Taking credit is the easy part. Taking credit can look like self promotion. Sometimes it looks like showing a project to your team when you know your project will improve the way your team works. Taking credit feels good. Usually, we like to take credit when we accomplish something we think is noteworthy.
Taking responsibility isn’t always easy. Taking responsibility is looking at something and recognizing that it needs to be better. Taking responsibility does not have the same feel good feelings attached to it.
The biggest difference is the internal aspect. Taking credit is an outward action. Taking responsibility has to happen internally.
When you take responsibility, you take ownership. Maybe it was a project you worked on that did not go as planned. Maybe it was a situation that wasn’t handled with grace and class. Maybe you led a team that failed to accomplish its primary goal. Taking responsibility in those situations is not going to give you the warm fuzzies.
But both actions are the key for personal and professional growth. When you only take one and not the other, you sell yourself short.
By only taking responsibility, you paint a picture of yourself as a failure. Sure, you could grow from those moments but after a while, management (or your spouse/family/friends) will begin to wonder why you are even here.
By only taking credit, people begin to wonder. At first you may seem to be the office rock star, but after a while, people start wonder where you are when things aren’t going well. After all, if you are amazing at everything you do, there’s this giant list of junk that no one else could fix. How are you going to fix it when all eyes are on you? Later on, your coworkers will wonder if you even deserved any of the credit you received in the first place.
As with most everything in life, there is a delicate balance to maintain between the two. And the people who are good at maintaining that balance are probably the people who are advancing in your office. And the same people who are good at maintaining the balance are also the people who are good at office politics.
Once you gain skill in maintaining the balance, taking responsibility will have more to do with take ownership of an area of your company and less to do with taking responsibility for what may have gone wrong.
And that always feels very good.
No one wants to see that much in the office
I don’t like to go down this path but I’m going to anyway. Most of the time, I don’t think it is a true or a relevant statement. But still, I see the words coming across the screen and I know they are mine.
Men have it so much easier than women – at least when it comes to dressing appropriately in the office. Women might have the potential to have more fun with their fashion choices but in the long run, none of it easy.
Dressing in my office should be pretty easy. Our attire is what I like to call “lab casual” which is several levels below “business casual”. Even though I do not work directly in the lab, standard office attire is jeans. I like to think of lab casual this way: don’t wear anything to work that you wouldn’t want cut off of your body in the event there was a spill and you were the one standing in the safety shower. (Yes, that does mean that potentially you could be standing in your underwear in an open shower for 15 minutes in front of your coworkers while you wait for emergency personnel to arrive.) Dressing for work is easier when you’re not really dressing to impress.
But still, every once and while I realize that not everyone has a good sense of how they should be dressing in the office. And those are the moments I want to jump up and down and scream “You are not hanging out with your girlfriends so stop dressing like you are!”
So how can we fix this problem? After some hemming and hawing, ladies, I think I have an idea.
Call your best gal pal (preferably married or in a long term relationship) and tell her to come over to your place. You’ll also need a mirror and to get dressed for work but without any of your undergarments. No Assets or Spanx. No bra. No panties. Just put your clothes on over your naked body. You’ll need to have the full effect to make any progress.
Shirts: Try this with several different styles of shirts you typically wear to the office. Try it with sweaters, button down shirts, frilly blouses – whatever you previously thought was work place appropriate. Look in the mirror: how do you feel? Do you feel like you have enough coverage from the office perv? Forget the fact that you aren’t wearing a bra. Now lean forward as you look in the mirror and ask yourself this key question: Can you see your nipples? If you can see your nipples, your shirt is not appropriate for your job and adding a bra will not suddenly make it appropriate.
If your top passes step one, try this second step but with that magic, miracle bra that you believe will solve all of your breast problems. In the same leaning forward position, turn towards your friend (who hopefully is an honest and compassionate person). Ask her if she would want her spouse/fiance/significant other to be working late with a woman who is wearing that shirt. Is the answer no? Then you just took that shirt out of the running for a 9 to 5 appearance. If the answer is yes, you now have a better sense of what you should be wearing to the office.
Skirts: Throw on a skirt but as before do not put on any undergarments. Now practice key things you do throughout your day. Bend over as if you were getting a file from the bottom drawer. Sit down. Stand up. Cross your legs. Uncross your legs. Keep moving. Now ask that dear, sweet, honest and compassionate friend if you resemble Britney Spears or Paris Hilton trying to get out of a limo in 2007. If the answer is yes, buy some reasonable undergarments and save your skirt for the clubs. You don’t want your coworkers to make a “Panties for _____” page on facebook when they think you aren’t looking.
If the answer was no, congratulations! You are probably wearing a skirt that is an appropriate length. Good for you!
Pants: Pants are tricky because if you think like I think then you want to believe that pants do not matter because pants are pants. And I know that is wrong. Thankfully, your gal pal will still be there to correct your incorrect thoughts.
Put on your pants. Do you have a camel toe? If the answer is yes, do not even bother demoting the pants to weekends. Find a bag and label it goodwill. Don’t tell me that you are going to lose the weight. By the time you actually lose the weight, you’ll want to buy new pants that make you feel better about yourself and in the meantime those camel toe showing pants are just wasting valuable closet space.
Next, turn to your gal pal and bend over. Ask her what she can tell you about your underwear. If she can tell you the brand, color or style, do not wear those pants to work. If she can see your bum crack, do not wear those pants to work. And if you did not put underwear back on and she can tell you that from the rear view, do not wear those pants to work. Follow up question you should ask: Do I have a muffin top?
At the end of the day, your coworkers do not need to see that much of your body. And chances are if they wanted to see that much of your body, it would not be at work that they wanted to see it.
My job isn’t the problem
I was chatting with my friend Charlotte the other day after a meeting out by our cars in freezing cold December weather. Mainly because I can’t find any other time to talk to my friends than standing outside our respective vehicles before I take off for another meeting or obligation. I’ve been operating this way for months now.
I started joking to her about it. “Charlotte, if only I didn’t have this job! It takes up all of my time!” Except I wasn’t really joking because lately I’ve been wishing I was a trophy wife (sometimes, I dream that Brian makes way more money that he does just so I can be one of the women at the gym who goes there at nine in the morning and then meets with girlfriends for lunch) and I was really hoping she would just laugh at me.
But in typical fashion, she had to go and say something profound when I didn’t want her to say anything profound. I just wanted her to agree with me.
“Dorie, it’s not your job that’s the problem. It’s your extracurricular activities.”
Of course, to really make her point, she started making a verbal list of things that I do outside of work and I couldn’t stop myself from calling out “Don’t forget about my blog!” like a complete crazy woman.
My first instinct was to tell her that I’m not in high school anymore and these “extracurricular activities” are my just my life but suddenly, I felt like I was seventeen again, with a jam packed schedule.
And she was right. I’ve been going at the same breakneck pace since I was 14. The only thing that has ever really slowed me down for anything length of time were two car accidents. Even when I had mono when I was 16, I still did all of my after school activities (I was physically unable to convince myself to stop even though I needed to sleep for 16 hours a day).
School and work were just things that kept me from doing what I really wanted. My unbalanced, unhinged life strikes yet again.
I can’t blame my level of stress on anything I want but it doesn’t change the fact that while I can say no to other people, I am not capable of saying no to myself. I’m not capable of saying to myself “I’m just too busy today; I need to restructure my priorities”. Instead, I focus on fitting in a meeting at six in the morning for coffee because I can’t say no to the chance to see a friend.
Most of us are not independently wealthy. Most of us will have to work for most of our lifetimes and will be on a budget during the times we are not working – whether it is on vacation or maternity leave. Work is rarely optional so you can’t blame your job for very long during your periods (or seasons) of unbalanced/unhinged living.
I still hate to cut back and while I know tough choices are a key part of adult living, it is still difficult.
A few minutes later in the conversation, Char overwhelmed me again with another question: “Can you honestly say that all of your extracurriculars bring you joy?”
Maybe. Maybe not.
I know that doing laundry doesn’t bring me joy but I also know that not going to work naked does bring me joy. And brings my husband joy when I’m not going to work without my clothes. Maybe a lack joy isn’t enough of a reason to not do something but something that should fall into how we place our priorities.
Once again, I find that I don’t have anymore answers but more things to take into consideration.
The Office Pollyanna
I’ve been tormenting the poor soul whose name I pulled from the ceramic snowflake for our office’s Secret Pollyanna gift exchange. I keep leaving post-it notes all over the office with clues as to who I am. Except the clues aren’t that good. “I work Monday through Friday” really isn’t much help when everyone is expected to be in the office Monday through Friday. “I get paid on pay day” and “I don’t hitchhike to work” weren’t exactly helpful either. And I keep leaving the notes in her coffee mug, message pad, files she needs for clients or coat pockets.
I find the paranoia that has ensued entertaining.
I justify my tormenting because I always include gifts when I torment the poor soul. Yes, I am trying to buy the person’s love with presents. I figure it’s worked well for countless guys trying to get the girl so maybe it could work for me too.
I’ve also justified it by reminding myself that this poor soul is my friend outside of work as well. And if it wasn’t for the fact that the torment is taking place inside of cubeland, she probably would think it was funny.
For now, she just thinks it is annoying. But I have to get my kicks somehow and this seems to be the best, socially acceptable way to do it during the month of December.
The office gift exchange is always a tricky situation. Not only do you have to hope and pray that you pull the name of someone you like from the pool (because there is nothing worse than having to buy a gift for your arch-nemesis) but you also have to hope and pray that someone you like pulls your name from the pool (because the only thing worse than buying a gift for your arch-nemesis is having your arch-nemesis buy a gift for you).
Another hard part about the gift exchange is that there is always a “target” gift amount. For example, my office uses a target of $20, plus or minus $5. I guess that is the nice way of saying don’t spend less than $15 and don’t spend more than $25. I know this target has been put in place to help us but really it just makes things more complicated. There is always one person who spends way more money than they are supposed spend and then makes everyone else look cheap.
This year, I was the overspender. Now I have to hope and pray that the usual overspender does what he did for the last two years (spend an obscene amount of money on a gift that really isn’t office appropriate). Or that someone else buys a gift that is not office appropriate.
The other thing about the office Pollyanna that is weird is that everyone watches you open your gift. And then you have to guess who gave you the gift. It wasn’t so bad when the office was smaller but we’ve almost doubled in size since I started working here. Now there are a lot more people to pick from when you are making your guess. And a lot more faces watching as you try to remember who received gifts from who (because you have to keep guessing until you figure it out and no one gets to eat lunch until all of the gift givers are guessed – this can add a lot of pressure as the faces look hungrier and hungrier).
All of my post-it note fun ends tomorrow at the annual holiday luncheon. I guess I’ll just have to find a new way to keep myself entertained in January.
Don’t worry, my Swingline stapler is safe
It’s been a work in progress for a few months but my desk finally moved. I have to admit, when they first started talking about moving my desk, I didn’t believe any of it. Neither did my cube mate who would be moving with me – too often we heard such ideas and not much ever seemed to come of them.
But now it is the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I am sitting at my new desk. During the whole moving process, I kept making jokes about being able to see the squirrels and holding on to my Swingline stapler (okay, the stapler thing might not have really been a joke – I am very attached to my Swingline Optima PowerEase stapler).
Somehow, I survived the move and my Swingline stapler is in my top desk drawer, right where it belongs.
Despite the hassle of packing up my desk to move it to another desk twenty feet away, there is a lot of good that came of it.
1. Moving your desk is a great time to clear the deck. If your company is anything like my company, you probably acquire a lot of paperwork on your desk that you are 95% certain has absolutely nothing to do with you or your work. The process of packing gives you a little more freedom to take a second look at documents and figure out who they actually belonged to. When I took a few extra moments, I was able to find out why things were left for me and clear up questions about what I do and what others do as well.
2. I threw out so much junk. Clutter can seep into our professional and personal lives completely under the radar. Whether you are moving your desk or your home, moving is your chance to ask if you really need something. Do you really need to have three stock pots in your kitchen? Do you really need to have four catalogs at your desk that sell the same thing? It becomes easier to take a few minutes to ask and answer these questions because you can justify the time spent by saying it saves you energy.
3. It gives you a good break from the routine. We all have our daily rituals and routines even if the majority of our day is not routine. We get to work, we start our computers and we grab a cup of coffee. We check the schedule, answer our emails and create a game plan for the day. None of these things are bad – they can be very good methods for getting things done. And getting things done is good because it is what you are being paid to do. But the routine can get to us after awhile and sometimes we crave a break. Moving my desk was a great day to take a break. Instead of staring at a computer all day, I was up and about. I was physically doing things. And the change of pace was good – kind of like that well rested feeling that comes from taking a three day weekend.
4. You get to reclaim your space. Was your old organizational system working well for you? What were the downsides? If you could redo all of it, what would you change? Sometimes it is really hard to justify taking the time to ask yourself these questions and then follow up on the answers – or at least it can be for me. I work at a small company and because we all wear many different hats, I know I will never have a slow day. Sure, I needed to be able to move my desk quickly but I also needed to know that as soon as I was in the new desk, it would be business as usual. Part of not losing time in the days to come meant honestly asking and answering these questions.
How to leave a message
One of the most important job skills to have is the ability to leave a good voicemail. I know you’re laughing right now that you have known how to use a phone since you were four years old. When you were four years old, you left messages on answering machines like my niece Julie does: “Hi Aunt Dorie. Peter kitty peed on the floor again. My sister broke the doll you gave me. I’m your niece and I love you. This is Julie. Bye.” As adorable as it may be, it doesn’t get you very far in the work place. Or you could be laughing right now because you leave messages for your friends every night but drunk dialing your friends at two in the morning is no where near as cute as the four year old but may be more useful in acquiring what you want (a ride home).
I’m still surprised at the number of useless voicemails that happen in the work place. Sometimes they are useless due to content (after 90 seconds your ramblings, I still have no idea what you want and how I fit into that picture). Sometimes they are useless because you left no contact information (how can I call you back if I don’t know who you are?). Still other voicemails are useless because I cannot understand a word you are saying.
Like any other tool, a voicemail is great but only if you know how to use it properly.
- State your name and your organization: First words out of your mouth every single time should be your name and your organization. “Hello, this is Dorie Morgan from ABC Corporation”. If this is your first time attempting to contact the other person, you should also spell your name and company name. Your name and company name maybe common to you but they are not to the person who will be listening to your message.
- Who are you calling: Not all companies have individual voicemail boxes. My current organization is small and has one answering machine for the company. Or you may be reaching a general mailbox for the company or department. If you don’t know which person you are looking for, state that as “I am looking for someone in the sales department”. Make it easy for the person who will listen to the message.
- What is your purpose: You don’t need to give your life story here. Just a brief statement will do. “I am looking for a company that can complete X, Y and Z for my organization” or “I was referred to you by John Doe of the DEF Company” would be appropriate statements here. This helps the person listening to your message understand what you want and how they can help you. If they don’t understand how to help you, they will not be calling you back as quickly.
- Your contact information: This is the part where they learn how to reach you. “I can be reached at (555) 555-5555”. If you have an extension, make sure you mention it. If the number is a direct line to your desk, mention that as well. If you opt to give your email address as a means of contact, spell it out (and be clear about underscores, hyphens, etc.) but also realize that it is easy to make a mistake writing down and email address.
- Repeat. State your name, organization and contact information once more, followed by a thank you. The reason is that if the listener missed a bit of your information at the beginning, they have another opportunity to hear it again without going back to the beginning of the message. Don’t forget the thank you. I am more interested in helping a person with good phone etiquette than a rude individual.
Putting it together, a good example would be:
“Good morning, this is Dorie (D-o-r-i-e) Morgan (M-o-r-g-a-n) from the ABC Corporation. I am trying to reach someone from your sales department. My organization is looking for a contractor who is registered to work in the county. You can reach me at (555) 555-5555. Once again, this is Dorie Morgan from the ABC Corporation and I can be reached at (555) 555-5555. Thank you.”
Other important tips to remember:
- Speak clearly and speak slowly. If you are uncomfortable on the phone, make sure you take the time to listen to yourself. It can be tempting to rush through a message but then no one will understand what you are saying.
- It’s okay to have a phone voice. Over the years, I’ve developed what I jokingly refer to as my flight attendant voice. It is made up of one part flight attendant and one part actor. It isn’t my every day speaking voice but it is easy to understand on a machine. I wouldn’t want to have a long conversation or a face to face conversation using this tone but it is professional for phone contact, regardless of whether I am calling or called. You may be teased slightly by your coworkers but that’s because they are jealous that you get calls back.
Your voicemail is your first impression. Whether you are calling a potential client, vendor or employee candidate, you are giving that person the first taste of who you are and who your company is.
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