Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
-
Archive of "spiritual discipline" Category
Why I am hungry on Fridays
Despite the fact that I do it on a weekly basis during Lent, fasting is my least favorite of the spiritual disciplines. I know that a spiritual discipline is not designed to be fun but to add to spiritual growth but fasting seems to be the worst. Fasting is a battle of the wills: me versus the cookie jar. Even a twenty four hour fast is brutal. I’m not looking forward to Easter weekend where I traditional fast from services on Maundy Thursday to services on Easter morning. Especially since Brian and I are babysitting for his nieces and nephew that weekend.
One of the big reasons why fasting is so difficult is that it is a constant reminder of how physical our bodies truly are. Chastity, although just as physical, is a bit easier. You can survive without sex. But survival without food is a lot shorter. And at least with chastity, there is still masturbation. Whereas there is no way to self gratify when withholding food is involved.
Fasting is supposed to remind us of what we really need. What we are really hungry for. What we crave on a spiritual level. What our souls need to survive.
What we really need is God.
How easy it is to forget that! If you asked me to rattle off a quick list of things I needed in my life, I’m fairly certain my list would not have God at the top of it. Brian would be at the top followed by my cell phone, blank paper and writing instruments and OPI nail polish. I would tell you that coffee is a biological necessity for me. I would probably tell you that I need an oversized purse to cart my things around in. And I would tell you that I need to wear flip flops or no shoes at all. In our consumer driven culture, needing God is easy to forget because it doesn’t cost money to receive God’s love.
So I fast on Fridays as a reminder. Giving up meat or another luxury for the Lenten season isn’t quite as effective. I am reminded by the loud, angry grumbling my stomach makes. I am reminded by the ache in my belly. I am reminded that God will provide for me and this too, shall pass. I am reminded that despite my weakness, I am strong in God’s love.
Why I Believe in Chastity as A Spiritual Discipline
Chastity. Scary word. My gut reaction is instant dislike. It reminds me of celibacy, of sacrifice, of doing something for no good reason. Chastity was a praised virtue in my home as a teen yet there was no real reason behind it and my mother probably would have fashioned some sort of chastity belt for me had I held still long enough for her to put it on me. Chastity was a virtue that was never defined but expected and the lack of definition left it blurred with celibacy and fear in my mind.
The dictionary defines chastity as:
1: The quality or state of being chaste: as a: abstention from unlawful sexual intercourse b: abstention from all sexual intercourse c: purity in conduct and intention d: restraint and simplicity in design or expression
2: personal integrityThat’s a lot of meaning to leave undefined.
Upon further dictionary reflection, we can also learn that “chaste” means:
1: Innocent of unlawful sexual intercourse
2: CELIBATE
3: pure in thought and act: MODEST
4: severely simple in design or execution SYN Chaste, pure, modest, decent: shared meaning element: free from all taint of what is lewd or salacious.Translation: once you lose chastity, you can never get it back.
Well, then. What about celibacy? It is another very scary word. It was interesting to learn that celibacy has more to do with being sexually pure and a vow to never marry than with simply not getting any.
Still. Why should I care about chastity? What was it going to accomplish? What was the point of keeping my sexual flower intact? What did I have to gain from it? Did God really care if I was virgin? After all, in the Bible I was supposed to be property handed from one man to another and slavery was okay…. since those standards had changed, why should chastity be any different? Was God going to stop loving me if I had sex? I was desperately screaming out for one good reason to remain a virgin, yet none was being provided.
I wanted a good reason.
Needless to say, I went out and had sex. And nothing bad happened. God did not descend from Heaven to punish me. God was easily pushed out of sight, out of mind. He did not seem all that upset that I was getting some. In fact, I discovered that I was damn good at what I did and I enjoyed it too.
The first time I realized how good I was, I kept thinking about how my mother always told people that I was a jack of all trades and a master of none. Oh, I was a master of one alright. I prided myself on being able to meet needs, wants and desires that men never knew they had. Chastity was something for the archaic Biblical students that I made fun of on a regular basis.
I went along quite happily like this for about six years.Around the time I came to the conclusion that “I can’t get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes and my feet are so black and blue”, I started to realize that my plan of attack might not be the best one. Sex was usually physically fulfilling, it was hit and miss with emotional fulfillment, but at the end of the day, it just was not enough.
So I changed.
I’ve been reading a book titled “Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity”. It is amazing. Very well put together, very well thought out. I soon realized that I finally found all of the answers I so desperately sought in high school.
Chastity was not about not having sex. That was merely a consequence of its purpose. It was not about controlling me. It was not about forcing me into an antiquated patriarchal system, designed to hold me down. Chastity was not about making my mother happy or avoiding motherhood.
Chastity was about bringing me closer to God.
Now I should say that I have had sexual experiences that I do believe have brought me closer to God. All of my sexual past has taught me quite a bit about myself, about other people, about men and women, about Christians and Jews and many other believing/non believing types. It has taught me about my own value, about the values that I admire in others, and about the inconsistencies in my own life. I do not want to discount any of those experiences in any way, shape, or form.
But.
I am now left with questions. Why is chastity a spiritual discipline? How will it bring me closer to God? Can I become chaste after being so unchaste? Will I forever be damaged goods? Will the Christian community damn me before I ever get a foot out the door? Will it get easier with time? Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that it was a discipline?
I am starting to wonder if there might be more teen virgins in the Christian community if it was explained as a discipline. I had no problem as a teen with the concept and execution of tithing. It was so ingrained in me that I knew it was something I needed to do. I really only developed a problem with tithing after I realized that God didn’t strike me down the night I put out. If God wasn’t going to punish me for the sex, drugs, and rock and roll, He certainly wasn’t going to punish me if I didn’t tithe. It all made a previously effortless discipline all that more difficult.
I can’t exactly say what makes chastity appealing. It is a number of things. But that isn’t the point. The point is I am becoming closer to God. It is a lot easier to see my own flaws and faults when I am not hiding behind my ability to attract and bed any man of my pick. While I think I was always authentic with others, I did not have to face as many demons when sex was in the picture. Sex could replace almost anything.
Sex is an easy and comfortable vice of choice.
Something I’ve discovered: Even when I practice chastity, I engage in a large amount of unprotected sex. Sex without a condom is a thrilling experience - not only is there an increased pleasure but there is also and increased thrill. Nothing adds quite the same excitement as the subliminal risk of herpes or the clap. The knowledge that the pleasure could cause so much pain makes the Sexual Roulette such a turn on. You might get an orgasm or you might get AIDS.
Sometimes, you get both.
The sex I talk about now is emotional. I haven’t had sexual intercourse almost four months. Yet the last four months have been marked with unparalleled emotional promiscuity. What makes this emotional sex unprotected is that my partners often do not know that they are having sex with me.
Unprotected sex involves some sort of trust. Committed relationship. Husband and wife. Lovers not fuck buddies. Unprotected sex should be carefully planned and orchestrated. This is not an event to be entered into lightly. In this day an age, most married couples do not truly have unprotected sex until they are ready to reproduce.
New question: have I been committing emotional rape?
Clearly, there are ramifications. And only recently did I realize how frequently I did this. I always knew that laundry was a form of emotional sex for me. I deeply tie my emotions to my ability to provide and care for another person. By taking pride in a man’s appearance, I take pride in him. There is something more emotionally binding to me about cleaning his clothes than there is about having sex with him.
I’m also discovering other acts that are emotional sex. Book lending for one. Words have such an intimate meaning for me. Its one thing to lend a text book. It is another thing to lend a dear old friend of a book. That is how I get myself into trouble. My markings, the inner workings of my mind in relation to the author are exposed. In essence, I am exposed in a way that I might not be ready for and in a way that the other person may never realize. I don’t know how detrimental this could be to me but I’m not sure I want to find out.
Lauren Winner wrote: “Communities working toward chastity ought to have honest and true conversations about sex, conversations that include opportunities for counsel and witness.”
I need to work on that more often.
(Originally published June 28, 2006 on Diaryland)
Recent Comments