Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
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Archive of "priorities" Category
Change, accountability and Adam Gilbert
Sometimes I hate Adam Gilbert.
In other words, my plan to get back into shape is going great. I’m down about five pounds and I feel great. And Brian keeps telling me how good I look and anytime your husband bursts out a declaration of your superior appearance without prompting, it is a very good sign. And my skinny jeans have become my everyday jeans.
But still, sometimes, I hate Adam.
Yesterday, I hated Adam while I looked at a Tootsie Pop and thought “I could have that and no one would ever be the wiser”. I knew the kids in Sunday school would never rat me out.
But when Adam says that he can get inside your head, he really does mean it. Because as my fingers wrapped around that glorious lollypop stick, all I could think about was having to tell Adam that I ate a tootsie pop. And I didn’t even have a good reason to eat that tootsie pop. My throat wasn’t sore, I wasn’t PMSing and no one had a gun to my head forcing me to eat the tootsie pop.
So Adam’s plan is working. He really is inside of my head. And I put the lollypop down.
The funny thing is I don’t even like Tootsie Pops. They were great when I was a kid but the appeal is minimal now.
Every night I send my food diary to Adam where I tell him every single thing that passed through my lips. When I eat junk, I have to tell him what I ate and why I ate it. And I could come up for excuses for everything I eat (“I ate the Milky Way because I have Mommy issues that only chocolate and caramel can solve” or “I wasn’t going to eat the entire bag of potato chips but I’m concerned about the economy and by eating the potato chips, I am ensuring that someone in a factory has a job”) but I have a little too much pride to do that.
But I don’t really hate Adam. Every morning he sends daily inspirations to his clients. And he actually is inspiring. So while I may hate Adam as I stand in front of the candy bowl in my office as I attempt to practice self control, if I walk back to my computer and read his daily inspiration, I’m inspired again by his commitment and his belief in his clients.
He truly believes his clients can change their lives. And when I remember that I’m his client, I remember that he believes I can change my life. And that feels incredible.
Change and accountability are really rough things to deal with in daily life.
Change sucks because it’s awkward and uncomfortable. It involves stripping away habits and beliefs that might not be the best for you. Sometimes change doesn’t go well and you look ridiculous in the process. But ultimately, change is good for you (despite the initial awkward feeling of unknown). The discomfort forces you to grow. And anything in this life that isn’t actively growing is actually stagnant and dying.
Accountability sucks because it forces you to change. And it makes you get out of your own head and into reality. Reality is harsh. Just like accountability. And I’ll be honest, I know I can’t be held accountable by the people I’m closest to. I would love to think that I could be but sometimes, the idea of being just that vulnerable terrifies me. I fear that if I disappoint them enough, I’d lose their friendship.
It is actually fairly easy to let myself be held accountable by Adam. I could tell him almost anything. I don’t feel judged (this is not shame-based motivation) but I feel encouraged. After a month, I find I don’t want to disappoint Adam.
I also find I don’t want to disappoint myself.
I hate my husband’s 12 emails
I always have this plan that I will not let my inbox be full of junk. I will sort everything into folders, deal with each and every email in an appropriate time frame and I will delete emails when I no longer can benefit from saving them. I will follow through and I will be victorious over my gmail!
Once again, I have 700 hundred emails in my inbox. I’d delete them all in one shot but some of them contain information about my mortgage and I’m a bit fearful of deleting those accidentally.
I feel like an electronic pack rat. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I just abandon an email address because the thought of going through all of that information is overwhelming.
I know in the grand scheme of things, all of that email isn’t the biggest concern. There’s things that are a much bigger deal: the homeless in Philadelphia (winter is coming) or the current economic crisis (can we talk about my student loans please?). My email is just annoying.
What makes it especially annoying is that when I see Brian open his email, he only has 12 emails in his inbox. That’s right. 12 emails. All of those emails were dealt with in a timely manner. His inbox is pristine. It’s easy to locate information in there. Oh and I know there 12 emails in there because I counted. I was so jealous that I counted. There were still just 12 emails.
This is partially because Brian doesn’t spend much time online and partially because he recently changed his email address but didn’t tell anyone. Some of my seven hundred emails are emails intended for him but our friends didn’t know how to reach him so they reached me instead.
Sometimes the title “wife” really means “personal assistant”.
Which is okay. I enjoy that aspect of marriage. It’s just that when I have 700 emails, I don’t feel like I’m the best “personal assistant” to Brian that I could be. I may joke about him being my better half but sometimes (okay, a lot of times) it’s true. If I can’t manage to take care of something like email, something that really isn’t that big of a deal, what else am I failing to properly manage?
The email is really just a symptom of a bigger problem. The email is a personal reminder that I’ve been struggling to find and maintain balance. My email is telling me that I have a lot of work to do.
I have this fantasy that I could live life like a machine. A well oiled, well maintained machine. Preferably a machine that did not require sleep. A Stepford Wife.
Periodically, I forget that I am not a machine. And then I end up sick and exhausted like I did last week. And when I end up sick and exhausted, I know I am missing even more things. That’s when I am not being a good wife. Or a good employee. Or a good Dorie.
The most concerning part is not being a good me but I keep catching myself putting the wife/employee/whatever else roles in front of being me.
So how do I fix it? How do I balance the desire to do it all with the knowledge that it is physically impossible to do everything? How do I make serious adult decisions when sometimes I feel like I am stilling playing make believe?
My fingers are a reflection of my priorities
I’m slightly embarrassed to admit it now, but when I was in college, painting my nails at least twice a week was one of my top priorities. It was up there with food, sleep and sex. As soon as my polish started to chip, it would quickly be removed and replaced with a new color. I loved bright, vivid colors and I rarely wore anything that looked natural. A fresh manicure was part of how I felt good about myself, even when things were not going as planned.
I took “Live Like Your Nail Color” very seriously.
I mention this now because I stood at the fax machine yesterday and contemplated my fingernails. I haven’t polished them in about two weeks but I have yet to remove the remnants of my last manicure. I’m not too concerned about it because I now stick to neutral colors or baby pinks. Sometimes, I embrace clear nail polish only for weeks at a time. It is difficult to notice until you stare at my hands for more than a few seconds, and even if you notice then, I don’t really care. Home renovations, dish washing and yard work are not exactly manicure friendly.
Somewhere along the line, my priorities changed. My red nail polish has been mostly retired. And that’s okay. Why? Because I know those priorities will change again.
As people, we should be constantly changing, evolving and growing. Usually, those changes are subtle and don’t have a huge impact on our daily living. But over time, those changes really start to add up. It is only when we make a Major Life Decision that the people around us really start to take notice. But when we think of our Major Life Decision in terms of a series of small logical changes, that Major Life Decision isn’t so major.
It is that first tiny step that really is the big deal.
Back to my nail polish: as I stood at the fax machine, I really had to fight the urge to berate myself. When did I get so sloppy? When did I stop caring? What else was I going to stop caring about? Would I ever shave my legs with the same neglect that I now paint my nails?
But then it hit me. It wasn’t that I stopped caring. It was that I started caring more. About different things. About bigger things. My priorities changed but I didn’t notice. Or rather, I didn’t notice that I stopped prioritizing my fingernails but I did notice that I started prioritizing the home my husband and I are renovating.
The key in all of this is keeping track of what your core priorities really are. Is your priority a vibrant career where you make tons of money or is your priority spending time with your mate? Do you prioritize reading new books or do you prioritize finding unique experiences?
You need to know what the core aspects of your life are so that the little things don’t trip you. When you focus on the little problem, you are avoiding the aspect of your life that really needs attention. It may be easier to put off dealing with the big problem but you spend so much time on the little things that you’ll never make the one change that you truly needed.
Workaholic: Is that me?
I’ve had workaholic tendencies for my entire life. The idea of a three year old workaholic may seem a bit absurd but in my case, it is a little more accurate than you might imagine. As a child, I could go ridiculous amounts of time without food as long as I felt compelled to keep working. I also remember refusing to go to the bathroom in kindergarten. I was working on a project and I convinced myself that I didn’t need to go to the bathroom until it was finished. I also remember deciding that day that I didn’t want to ever feel shame again.
And for someone with workaholic tendencies not feeling shame is a good thing. It makes it easier to be a workaholic. You can do some pretty god awful things to yourself if you don’t feel shame when your body betrays you.
When I was puttering around some blogs last night, and promising my husband that I would only read one more post, I read something about alcoholism. Of course that got my wheels churning and I googled “workaholic” to make sure I was spelling it correctly before I posted a comment.
What I really found was a twenty question quiz to determine if I was a workaholic. Three or more “yes” answers meant you needed to get help. I had twelve.
I was floored. I may joke about workaholic tendencies but really, I just think of myself as driven and motivated. I blame my ADD. And if anyone asks, my elaborate organizational systems are really just a coping mechanism for hiding said ADD.
I told Brian. Who was not floored. Who responded with “I didn’t need you to take a quiz for me to know that”.
Then he tells me “You know I have to call your office to make sure you are coming home at night”.
And it’s true. Because he does have to call to get me to come home sometimes. And I’m usually very confused if I only have worked 40 hours in a given week. And if it was up to me, every lunch would be a working lunch.
But instead of all of this urging me to think about getting help, it really leaves me questioning why Workaholics Anonymous implies this is a bad thing. Because almost every question where I answered yes, I really truly believe that only a lazy person would answer no. Call me a workaholic but I think I’d rather refer to it as a “Strong Protestant Work Ethic”.
At what point does motivation and a desire to succeed become a bad thing? And why are we so committed to a forty hour work week as healthy and a sixty hour work week as a sign that there is no work life balance? Is this a sign of an entrepreneurial spirit?
My advisor in college was a recovering alcoholic who was always concerned about me. He thought I was crazy for working full time, going to school full time and being overly involved in my sorority. He used to say that it was only a matter of time until my tendencies gave way to alcoholism. At the time, I used to tell myself that he was just overly paranoid.
Last night I started wondering if he was wiser than I gave him credit for being.
Investing in You: Make wise choices
When I first got out of college, investing in me almost seemed silly. I had just spent 150k on an undergraduate education – wasn’t that enough? I didn’t need to worry about taking classes anymore, I was ready to hit the corporate world and look fabulous doing it.
As a result, I bought more suits than I probably needed, skimped on true professional development and then spent a year and a half at Starbucks trying to figure what it was that I really wanted to do. Those suits, that looked so fabulous at the time, are still sitting in my closet and rarely see the light of day.
Investing in you is important for every career but how you invest is the key. You can spend money to make sure you look the part but if you don’t have all of the skills (or at least a plan) to back it up, you aren’t going to get very far.
So. How to invest? How do we make wise choices when it comes to ourselves? These are a few of the ways I try to find a balance.
Clothes: Don’t stock up on business attire until you get the job. I have a ton of suits in my closet that I rarely wear. Why? Because the dress code at my job is Lab Casual. Had I waited until I had the job, I would have realized that client days at my office are few and far between.
Tip: Own enough suits to not repeat during the interview process. If you aren’t sure how many interviews are in the company’s process, make sure you have two suits. You can always play with accessories to change the look. Once you get the job, you’ll have a better idea of the clothes you will really need.
Classes: Continuing Education Credits (CEC) are your friend. It took me two years post-college to get back into the classroom. I was convinced that because I spent so much money on undergrad, I didn’t need to spend money on more classes until I either went to grad school or got my soul back from Sallie Mae. Sure, I can write a fabulous business plan but ask me to format it a certain way and I might not have the skills to back it up.
Tip: Figure out where your weak spots are and target those. It is far easier to stay in the classroom than to get back into it. I recently completed 9 weeks in a program about Microsoft Access and have now become my company’s go to person for Access help. I couldn’t have done it with a few CECs. It also keeps you occupied while you are looking for the job you really want and sets you ahead of the pack. The American Management Association also has some great courses that are offered at some local community colleges which can mean a savings in price for you ($400 versus $2000).
Vacation: If you burn yourself out from the beginning, you’re of no good. One of the ways I chronically neglect myself is by failing to get the rest I really need. After a while, I’m not only no good to my team but I’m of no good to myself. It can quickly place you in a vicious cycle that is overwhelming and just not effective. A vacation is your chance to invest in your mental health. A bonus is the first few days when you get back and you can attack your job with fresh eyes and ideas.
Tip: Find someone to hold you accountable to relax. For me, my husband is the one who makes sure I find the time (he has no problem saying that he needs a vacation whereas I always think I can put it off one more month). It helps to keep me in balance. For you, it could be friend, relative or coworker. Don’t let money be the issue that stops you. When we have more money, we take a cruise (I love the idea of a floating hotel to take me away from all of my problems). When money is tight, we go camping for a long weekend ($200 is usually enough to pay for campground fees, gas and tolls).
Investing in you is such an important part of every career. Make sure your investments keep you on track for your goals.
How do you know when its time to move forward?
I like to tease my friend C that she actually a closet speed freak and no one else is on to it yet. She usually tells me that as a former addictions counselor, she realizes that her drugs of choice would be opiates. I’m only half kidding with her though – C fits more things into a day than most people do in a week. Somehow she rarely seems to burn out. She’s the type of girl who can change jobs, plan a wedding/get married and buy and decorate a new home in the span of 6 weeks. And still have time to hang out with friends while still looking fabulous.
Sometimes I hate her for that. Just Kidding, I hope.
C’s wedding was about 6 weeks ago and I think for about the first time in a year she has time to sit down and relax. So of course, she’s looking for some thing new to do. Which is also known as going back to school for a Ph.D. Even though, they don’t really have the money (a mortgage, student loans from her masters degree and 2 car payments can suck you dry pretty quick), she still wants to make it happen. But she’s also concerned about kids and what that timeline looks like. She’s pretty much made up her mind on where she wants to go but I can’t help but think she’s missing a few steps before she could make that decision.
Clearly, C needs feedback so I sent her the following email (details changed for privacy purposes):
C,
OOH OOH OOH! I have PLENTY of feedback! (This is me in “swift kick” mode fueled by love.)
What other schools have you been looking into? Why do you not feel as tempted by those institutions?
Regarding kids:
If you think you want to have kids in the next 1 to 3 years, I would strongly suggest that you wait on a doctoral program.
If you think you want to have kids in the next 3 to 6 years, go for the Ph.D. You won’t regret it.
If you aren’t sure when you want to have kids, go for the degree. Otherwise, you could be stuck in limbo forever.The cost issue works like this:
1. Do you and hubby both have life insurance policies out on each other (so that you would not lose the house should one of you die)? If the answer is no, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
2. Do you and hubby have six months worth of living expenses (including: tithe, food, clothes, mortgage, utilities, phone, health insurance, car payments, car maintenance, gasoline, taxes, car insurance, co-pays, home maintenance, student loans, etc.) set aside should one of you lose your job? If the answer is no, further education is on hold until this need is met?
3. Are you currently making contributions towards your retirement? If the answer is no, who do you think is going to pay for your old age? And will they pay for mine as well? Don’t tell me the government will or I won’t be able to contain my laughter at work.What does graduate school look like for hubby? Where is the priority here? Do you need a Ph.D. to continue advancing in your field immediately? Does hubby require a master’s degree to continue advancing in his field immediately? Who will benefit more from having their education needs met first?
I’m a big fan of taking continuing education credits before you are financially ready for a degree. And you can always take classes at a community college on Fridays to continue to increase your job skills.
Finally, how do you feel about the rest of your life? Is this antsy-ness coming from a stillness in your life that you are not used to? Are there projects/passions/ideas you want to explore both you move on to the next step in your life? You won’t have the freedom to explore those things right after you have kids. (Don’t get me wrong, you probably will later on but not in the same ways you do now). And C, I know you a very used to a crazy schedule but maybe this is a good time for you to be still and quiet and nurture your marriage with hubby. I hope you take time to enjoy the newness of marriage and explore each other and yourselves as married people. If it was me, I would wait until the one year mark before I began to address further education.
So I think I threw a lot at you. I hope I made it clear and I hope you see the motivation behind these questions/points. I’m not necessarily advocating one way or the other for right now (but I probably will later on).
Love ya,
DorieMy questions are these: Do I have it all covered or did I miss some key question along the way? What steps should you have in place in your life before you make a big decision? At what age does it stop being okay to pile on debt in the name of one’s education?
Perhaps I need more boundaries
Last night I was totally overwhelmed by life. I walked through the front door, took one look at Brian and just started sobbing. Could this be a sign that any sense of balance I once had has evaporated?
Maybe.
I feel like I’m in some Nationwide commercial and I keep waiting for the voiceover to come out with the “Life comes at you fast” tagline.
I’m still waiting.
At the moment, I’m overwhelmed with the many different roles I play in my life. Wife. Employee. Daughter. Writer. Morgan Family Member. Gillette Family Member. I could keep going but then I’m only going to overwhelm myself again.
The fact is keeping a balanced life is so much harder than I expected. As a kid, my mother made it seem effortless but now that I am an adult, I realize that she was falling apart even more than most. Yet I still hold myself to the standard at which I perceived her.
What set me over the edge last night was this: There are only 24 hours in the day. In that 24 hours, I expect myself to be able to work for eight hours, take an hour lunch, drive 45 minutes each way to work, make lunch for both myself and my husband, shower/shave my legs, cook dinner, eat dinner, do laundry, go to school part time, talk to friends, fulfill family obligations, spend quality time with my husband, find time to do things for me and still look good. Oh and despite my exhaustion, I still expect myself to be ready for love making with a moment’s notice. I should also find time to be able to sleep for seven to eight hours a night.
Clearly, this is not working out.
How do we find resolution between our expectations of self versus the physical limitations of both time and our bodies? How do we learn to say no to the things we think we want to do?
Maybe the key to realistically finding balance is being able to set better boundaries. Maybe I shouldn’t even be thinking about having balance in my life until I’m comfortable setting boundaries that may make people angry. Maybe I need to stop holding myself to the housework standards as a homemaker.
Last night, I looked at my life in terms of two columns: The things I want to do versus the things I should do. Somewhere in the middle lie the things I will actually do.
The question is now, what makes it onto that list?
Why you are actually reading about my husband
I blog about a lot of things.
I blog about work. I blog about my health. I blog about current events. I blog about my relationship with God. I blog about everything.
But really, this blog is about my marriage.
Even when I don’t write about it, it all comes back to my marriage.
Why?
My relationship with my husband is the single most important relationship in my life. It influences every decision I make. When I make a decision about what career path to follow, I am thinking about my husband. When I am seeking medical treatment, I think about how my treatment will affect my husband. When I look at CNN in the morning before work, I am thinking about, that’s right, my husband.
Brian is my priority.
And I don’t anticipate this changing. Even when we have kids, my husband will continue to be my highest priority. Why? Because we can always make more kids. I cannot recreate my husband.
Brian is the family I picked. I looked at him and decided that not only did I want to be in his tribe but I wanted to make our own little tribe with him. I wanted to create a life together.
Jobs will come and go. Friends will move on. Parents will (hopefully) die before I do. Politics will change. Current events will become history. Fads will fade and pop culture will be forgotten.
Brian will be the man I grow old next to. My wrinkly old hand will someday be patting my husband’s wrinkly old butt. And that’s the way I want it.
My commitment to Brian and Brian’s commitment to me is the most influencing factor in our lives. Everything will always come back to my marriage.
Why your parents have been lying to you
Whether you want to admit it or not, your parents have been lying to you for longer than you can remember. At first it was little lies – Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and Cupid fall into this category. Then the lies got a little bigger – Prince Charming is one of those lies women wrestle with into their thirties. But then came the most monstrous lies of all with the first being “Love Conquers All” and the second being “You can be anything you want to be”.
I’m not capable of touching the first one with a ten foot pole so let me set you straight on the second: You can’t be anything you want to be.
Sucks, doesn’t it?
Need proof?
You cannot be a prince/princess unless you were born into a royal lineage or unless you can manage to smile with your eyes wide open and even then there is a long audition process before you can become a Disney Princess.
That one is a little obvious so let’s try again:
You cannot be a professional athlete unless you are gifted in a physically adept manner, have made the necessary sacrifices of both your body and time and have committed yourself to achieving excellence. I may want to be a professional athlete but with my genetic blessings, it isn’t going to happen in this lifetime.
Life is about choices and the idea of being whatever you want strips young people of the ability to make honest, informed choices.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a professional actress when I grew up. More specifically, I wanted to be on Broadway. I wanted to be a leading lady who sang and danced and was adored. But I am not a dancer. Nor was I that interested in becoming an accomplished dancer (like I said before, my physical prowess leaves much to be desired). I knew not to fool myself from an early age. But when I went to college, I discovered plenty of women who were like me except that they still believed they would be Broadway stars. Their parents were still telling them that they could be whatever they dreamed of.
To a certain extent, it may be okay to lie to kids about this. I’m not a parent so I don’t know for sure but from this end of things, it seems to cripple my peers instead of helping them. Maybe it would be better to tell kids that with hard work, they could do wonderful things.
The question becomes, at least for me, at what point must the truth come out? Fulfilling a dream requires hard work, dedication, vision, preparation, opportunity and passion. Or maybe, the question is really about when it is time to surrender the fantasy. When does dedication become delusional? There is always that fine line between brilliance and crazy.
But what I am really trying to stress is that adult life is about choices. I work to pay my bills. I am not looking for the career equivalent of hitting the lottery. But I am looking for the freedom to pursue my own loves on my own time. Because at the end of the day, you probably can’t have it all. You can’t have the perfect job, the perfect family and time for your hobbies, unless you think you don’t need to sleep at night. And by kidding yourself that you can have it all and stay sane, you put off the choice aspect of adulthood.
Why Penelope is the swift kick in the ass you need
Penelope Trunk’s Steps to figuring out your next career move should be giving your career the swift kick in the ass your twenty-something career needs. How do I know this is what you need? With the opening paragraph closing with the line “The ones who are complaining the most right now, after reading just this far, are the people who are most in denial of what adult life is about”, you can’t help but realize that what you’ll read next is everything you didn’t want to hear but you had to anyway.
Penelope also gives you the kick your life needs. Afterall, your job or your career is merely a symptom of what the rest of your life looks like. If your home life is in shambles, it is merely a matter of time until your work life is too. If work is falling apart, your marriage or family life will feel the strain. The exercise Penelope provides can really be applied to any aspect of your life. Its really all about making choices and cutting the excess.
I’ve taken the list Penelope provided and I tried to apply it to my personal life. Below you’ll see her list in bold and my comments in italics.
1. Eliminate stuff. I hate to admit but Brian and I have a stuff problem. Both in the activities we take on and the things we possess. This is great advice where ever you are in life. When I was looking at my own list of my life, I noticed that I have this tendency to stay involved in organizations that I don’t believe in just because I don’t want to quit. By giving up volunteer work for organizations I no longer believe and cutting back on Township meetings I don’t really need to be at, I made more time for the things I actually need or want to do. Next step: clearing out the spare bedroom that only makes Brian and I feel swamped and overwhelmed.
2. Look at what’s left. What’s left is still a pretty expansive list. It is so easy to forget about the many rolls we have in our own lives. Wife. Daughter. Clerical Assistant. Member of the Well. Aunt. Granddaughter. Writer. Painter. Reader. Volunteer. Family Organizer. Cook. The list really could go on for days. This is then your cue to go back to item one and see what other stuff you can eliminate.
3. Check in with yourself. I try to convince myself that I love doing things to make my husband’s life easier. But sometimes I don’t and I don’t want to admit. You have to check in with yourself to see what you still value. If you don’t know what you value personally, how will you know what you value professionally? If you need help with this task, try taking the Franklin Covey FOCUS seminar. I assure you, it will be money well spent.
4. Be honest about what you love. Penelope suggests using sex as a litmus test. Which may or may not work depending on the type of person you are. For me, it works. For my friend Kim, that litmus test would not work at all. A better test for her would be daytime TIVOed TV. Whatever it is you love, its okay. Just make sure you know what it is.
5. Admit if you lack a clear passion. Not to bust on Kim but she has no clear passion. That’s why she is a paralegal in a Philadelphia law office. She makes steady money, her needs are met and she has a reasonable work week leaving her time to watch tv in the evenings. That’s the life she wanted. My friend Jeannie, on the other hand, has always been passionate about psychology. She isn’t making great money but she loves what she does. She knows where her passion is. The important thing here is that both of my friends know what they are and are not passionate about and they plan their lives accordingly.
6. Get busy. Doing anything. And on that note….
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