Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
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Archive of "home life" Category
How to buy a gift for my mother
I have a lunch date with my mother tomorrow at a nice little restaurant near my office. Its her mother’s day present. I know there probably should have been something sentimental and wrapped but it just was not going to happen.
I have no idea what to buy for my mother. She is the second most difficult person I have ever met when it comes to gift giving.
Who is the most difficult? My mother’s mother. Don’t laugh – she’ll never tell you what she wants for her birthday but she could publish a book on everything she doesn’t want.
I know I could probably go to Hallmark and find some sort of decoration that says “You’re not just my mother, your my friend” but I’d also be lying. My mom isn’t my friend – she’s my mom. I don’t need her to be my friend. I need my mom to be the adult in the relationship and be sober just in case Brian and I ever end up in jail. My friends are the people who help do the dumb things that get me in trouble.
The other downfall to the trinket idea is that it is just more stuff. Sometimes stuff is nice. Like when you get married or have a baby. But my parents are talking about downsizing and I already went through that process twice with my grandparents. The worst part of downsizing is that you discover that there is a house full of trinkets from Mother’s Day and anniversaries and just because gifts. Three rows of stuff in the basement are boxes and boxes of items that my grandparents didn’t want to see thrown out or given away. Now its sitting in the basement. And it isn’t helping anyone. Its just taking up space.
And really, all of that is stuff you don’t need. You can’t take it with you when you die. You also can’t take it all with you when you move into a retirement community. And what happens to all that stuff? It ends up in your kids’ basements until someone finally throws it out.
I’ve been trying to give my mom gifts that are experiences. And if I do go to the mall and purchase a gift, I take Brian with me. I need to make sure that he’ll want the gift back when my parents downsize.
Workaholic: Is that me?
I’ve had workaholic tendencies for my entire life. The idea of a three year old workaholic may seem a bit absurd but in my case, it is a little more accurate than you might imagine. As a child, I could go ridiculous amounts of time without food as long as I felt compelled to keep working. I also remember refusing to go to the bathroom in kindergarten. I was working on a project and I convinced myself that I didn’t need to go to the bathroom until it was finished. I also remember deciding that day that I didn’t want to ever feel shame again.
And for someone with workaholic tendencies not feeling shame is a good thing. It makes it easier to be a workaholic. You can do some pretty god awful things to yourself if you don’t feel shame when your body betrays you.
When I was puttering around some blogs last night, and promising my husband that I would only read one more post, I read something about alcoholism. Of course that got my wheels churning and I googled “workaholic” to make sure I was spelling it correctly before I posted a comment.
What I really found was a twenty question quiz to determine if I was a workaholic. Three or more “yes” answers meant you needed to get help. I had twelve.
I was floored. I may joke about workaholic tendencies but really, I just think of myself as driven and motivated. I blame my ADD. And if anyone asks, my elaborate organizational systems are really just a coping mechanism for hiding said ADD.
I told Brian. Who was not floored. Who responded with “I didn’t need you to take a quiz for me to know that”.
Then he tells me “You know I have to call your office to make sure you are coming home at night”.
And it’s true. Because he does have to call to get me to come home sometimes. And I’m usually very confused if I only have worked 40 hours in a given week. And if it was up to me, every lunch would be a working lunch.
But instead of all of this urging me to think about getting help, it really leaves me questioning why Workaholics Anonymous implies this is a bad thing. Because almost every question where I answered yes, I really truly believe that only a lazy person would answer no. Call me a workaholic but I think I’d rather refer to it as a “Strong Protestant Work Ethic”.
At what point does motivation and a desire to succeed become a bad thing? And why are we so committed to a forty hour work week as healthy and a sixty hour work week as a sign that there is no work life balance? Is this a sign of an entrepreneurial spirit?
My advisor in college was a recovering alcoholic who was always concerned about me. He thought I was crazy for working full time, going to school full time and being overly involved in my sorority. He used to say that it was only a matter of time until my tendencies gave way to alcoholism. At the time, I used to tell myself that he was just overly paranoid.
Last night I started wondering if he was wiser than I gave him credit for being.
Ten things I learned during Easter
Brian and I babysat for his nieces and nephew from Thursday night to Monday morning. We had a great weekend but now I’m still too tired to think. I should have pictures up sometime this week, but for now, a brief list on what I learned during the weekend.
1. Baking cookies is an amazing response to the “I’m bored” statement.
2. Broccoli is mean and horrible and will be the downfall of children everywhere.
3. If one discovers that a certain little Monkey is having a meltdown, bath time can very quickly rescue the meltdown participants.
4. “The Lord of the Beans” is a cute movie the first time you see it. The twelfth time, not so much.
5. “Did you put the lid down? Did you wash your hands? Did you turn off the light?” is a perfectly acceptable to chant at small children coming out of the bathroom. It is not acceptable to chant at husbands however.
6. “Can I do that?” is a surprisingly unnerving question.
7. I yawn more during a bed time story than the kids do.
8. I have an amazing/terrifying ability to channel my mother as needed. (Example: You can have cereal or you can have toast but you must have breakfast or I am going to count to five and you are not going to like it when I reach five.)
9. Adults are really the ones who over complicate things. As my niece Julie told me, “It is simple, really…”
10. Yes, blowing out eggs to dye for Easter really is difficult. Yes, it does taste really bad. And no, you cannot do it.
Why your parents have been lying to you
Whether you want to admit it or not, your parents have been lying to you for longer than you can remember. At first it was little lies – Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and Cupid fall into this category. Then the lies got a little bigger – Prince Charming is one of those lies women wrestle with into their thirties. But then came the most monstrous lies of all with the first being “Love Conquers All” and the second being “You can be anything you want to be”.
I’m not capable of touching the first one with a ten foot pole so let me set you straight on the second: You can’t be anything you want to be.
Sucks, doesn’t it?
Need proof?
You cannot be a prince/princess unless you were born into a royal lineage or unless you can manage to smile with your eyes wide open and even then there is a long audition process before you can become a Disney Princess.
That one is a little obvious so let’s try again:
You cannot be a professional athlete unless you are gifted in a physically adept manner, have made the necessary sacrifices of both your body and time and have committed yourself to achieving excellence. I may want to be a professional athlete but with my genetic blessings, it isn’t going to happen in this lifetime.
Life is about choices and the idea of being whatever you want strips young people of the ability to make honest, informed choices.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a professional actress when I grew up. More specifically, I wanted to be on Broadway. I wanted to be a leading lady who sang and danced and was adored. But I am not a dancer. Nor was I that interested in becoming an accomplished dancer (like I said before, my physical prowess leaves much to be desired). I knew not to fool myself from an early age. But when I went to college, I discovered plenty of women who were like me except that they still believed they would be Broadway stars. Their parents were still telling them that they could be whatever they dreamed of.
To a certain extent, it may be okay to lie to kids about this. I’m not a parent so I don’t know for sure but from this end of things, it seems to cripple my peers instead of helping them. Maybe it would be better to tell kids that with hard work, they could do wonderful things.
The question becomes, at least for me, at what point must the truth come out? Fulfilling a dream requires hard work, dedication, vision, preparation, opportunity and passion. Or maybe, the question is really about when it is time to surrender the fantasy. When does dedication become delusional? There is always that fine line between brilliance and crazy.
But what I am really trying to stress is that adult life is about choices. I work to pay my bills. I am not looking for the career equivalent of hitting the lottery. But I am looking for the freedom to pursue my own loves on my own time. Because at the end of the day, you probably can’t have it all. You can’t have the perfect job, the perfect family and time for your hobbies, unless you think you don’t need to sleep at night. And by kidding yourself that you can have it all and stay sane, you put off the choice aspect of adulthood.
My 5 Goals for 2008
The day after Christmas, I wrote goals for 2008 in the front of my pink FranklinCovey planner. Usually, I go a bit overboard with my resolutions. One year, I had upward of twenty five. Most years, however, I stay between ten and fifteen goals. No wonder I fail.
I set five different goals for myself this year, which was a quite a cut back for me. There are, as follows:
- I will take better, proactive care of my health.
- I will be kinder to my body.
- I will read.
- I will prioritize.
- I will write.
While none of these are particularly earth shattering, lofty goals, I think I have a better shot of achieving them this year. While Penelope Trunk urges us to only make one goal this year (see link) I know I’m not a one goal kinda girl. I could never cut back that much. I know I’d be tacking on extra resolutions by the end of next week. I don’t even think I could resolve to make no more resolutions.
This year, I’m focused on the life I really want. I want to be healthy. This may be the possible tumor talking but I think I need to account for Peter Keating and the space he occupies. I want to go to the gym. I want to eat food that is better for me. I want to sleep at night. But I also want balance. I don’t want to be a health nut. I want to be able to prioritize my marriage, not my job or the other fluff. And I miss writing and reading. And by prioritizing things other than the TV, I believe that it is possible.
What are your goals for this year? And how do you plan on reaching those goals?
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