Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
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Archive of "habits" Category
1Q09
I usually make a laundry list of New Year’s resolutions for myself. I am going to do this. I am not going to do that. I am going to completely transform my life and there is no room for mistakes because I’m only going to live this life once and it has to be perfect.
To which the universe likes to respond with uncontrollable laughter.
Last year I was better. Last year I only made five New Year’s Resolutions. And I did better with them than I usually do. I did write more. I did start reading regularly again (and once I got over the initial hump of reading, I enjoyed it enough to find time for it again). I did take better care of myself (thanks Adam!).
If the quality of a year can be based only on the success of New Year’s Resolutions, then 2008 was my best year ever.
Then again, maybe it is a really good thing that New Year’s Resolutions success is not the only aspect to quality of life.
I had a plan that I was going to do away with my Resolutions this year. And that’s why I did not write about them earlier. Because I wasn’t going to acknowledge the new calendar year in such a way.
Slowly but surely (okay, not slowly, I caved in about a week), I abandoned my plan. I just couldn’t do it. I could not open my pink planner everyday of the year and not see my list of my resolutions (carefully printed on my favorite stationary), waiting for me to be inspired by my best intentions.
At least this year, I’ll only have one resolution: I’m doing quarterly goals.
I’m trying to think about it this way: The only thing that I know about my life twelve months from now is that it won’t be the same as it is today. How can I write a good resolution if I don’t know where I’ll be? And if things aren’t going the way I hope they will, if life gets in the way, if whatever happens, a New Year’s Resolution isn’t going to do me any good.
With resetting my goals every quarter, I’ll give myself a chance to keep an eye on where I’m going and make sure what I thought would work actually does work. It also gives me the chance to set smaller, more manageable goals and still have focus when a goal is complete.
I’ve set a meeting with myself on April 1st to evaluate how my first quarter worked out. Two big items for discussion with myself involve how successful I was with paying down credit card debt and not making any new purchases (ie: using the library instead of spending my hard earned cash on books I don’t have time to read yet).
Here’s to 1Q09!
Wasteful Spending in Suburbia
I don’t usually think of myself as a wasteful person. I don’t like to think that I throw my resources away. I would like to think of myself as a person who consciously uses the things in my life.
Should I mention again that I live in the suburbs?
The suburbs are a wasteful place. It is difficult to live here without your own vehicle. Carpooling is a suburban myth – sure, you could carpool but if you wanted to share your space with other people, you would live in the city.
The suburbs are also based entirely on consumerism. Here we keep up with the Jones’. We also keep up with the Smith’s (I heard they bought a brand new car), the Johnson’s (they are remodeling their kitchen, sweetheart, when are we going to remodel our kitchen, I need granite countertops) and everyone else on the block (Honey, do something, someone might get ahead of us).
But we don’t like to say we’re “keeping up”. Mainly because “keeping up” really means “falling behind”. Instead we are “getting ahead” and “living up to our potential”. Both of those terms translate into “I can’t stop to take a vacation or I could lose all of my stuff”.
Translation: this is a wasteful life.
We waste our money on things we cannot afford. We waste our time in ridiculous commutes because we live so far away from where the jobs are located. We waste our families because we fail to instill a sense of community in our children.
We waste.
We have so much and yet we value so little of it.
We like to be trendy. We go green, rarely because we genuinely care about the world we are leaving for our children but because everyone else is going green. We don’t want to be left out.
We build a false sense of community on trends. Those trends make us feel like we are apart of something bigger than ourselves but because trends quickly pass, we are constantly looking for the next thing that will make us fill connected. And if we are the first to discover something new and trendy, it makes us feel as if we are more valuable than everyone around us.
It is shallow.
I want to change. I want to change the way suburbia lives but I have to change the way I live first.
I’m starting a savings challenge with myself today. I have to be honest: this is not the first time I’ve had a savings challenge. Usually, my challenges consist of no lattes for as long as I can bear or no new shoes or only peanut butter and jelly until I’m malnourished.
This savings challenge will be much more balanced. No wacky extremes. Just serious questions: How often do I really need to have my eyebrows waxed? How much food do we really need to buy at the grocery store? If I buy the cheaper item, will I have to replace it next month?
I’ll be sticking with it for 30 days. Wish me luck.
Just call me Crackles
When Brian and I first decided to get married, we had this dream of owning a business someday. Or rather, we dreamed about building our own real estate empire. We wanted to buy old houses, renovate and remodel and then either rent or sell the properties. Brian would be in charge of the actual construction and I would be in charge of everything else. It seemed like a brilliant idea.
In fact, it still does.
We finally bought our first property three weeks ago and we get the pleasure of really learning about what having an entrepreneurial marriage would look like. And by pleasure, what I really mean is something more along the lines of having our eyes opened by surprise and shock.
We really weren’t expecting this.
But we’ve also learned a lot of good things too. About ourselves, about our marriage and about how we want to build a business.
Your Network
Your business is only as good as the people who support it. And the character of the people who support your business are a reflection of the character of the business. If your network is filled with people who suggest actions that are illegal or slightly unethical, take a step back and ask why those people are in your network. We learned this lesson but interacting with the seller’s representatives. We will not work with people who exist in that network again because we know there are problems within that network, we just don’t quite know where.
Your Work
I’m a self starter when it comes to projects. I want to show up, get the job done and move onto the next thing. I’ll take a break when the task is completed or if the task is too big, I’ll break it up into smaller chunks. Brian, on the other hand, is not a self starter. He’s much better at making the day fun. And that’s okay. Between the two of us, stuff gets done and everyone has a good time.
Our Marriage
Sometimes, you just need to be reminded how well you work together. I won’t lie; it’s been a rough few months for my husband and me. With family drama, house drama and work drama, it isn’t always easy to connect. But working together on the house gives both of us a chance to look at each other at our best. And I shouldn’t forget to mention how great it feels when we can share the sense of accomplishment (instead of telling the other about a sense of accomplishment during dinner). Team Morgan becomes stronger because of it.
Our Knowledge
My husband has totally different set of skills than I do. He creates beautiful things in homes and I know he makes other people’s lives better because of it. Working together gives me a great opportunity to learn new things from Brian. Learning new skills changes my perspective and helps with problem solving elsewhere. I might not use carpentry skills everyday in the office but who can’t use a new way to look at the world? Once you have an understanding of a skill set, you can look to apply that set in new directions.
Our SillinessOn our first day of work, my dear sweet husband started giving out construction names. My mother was named “Butchie”. Because of my dad’s resemblance to the guy on the Mr. Clean bottle, he was named “Sparkles”. But what did Brian name his wife? “Crackles.” Why? Because “Cracker” was already taken by someone else he knows.
So I did what any good “Crackles” would do: I told them all to shut up and get back to work
My fingers are a reflection of my priorities
I’m slightly embarrassed to admit it now, but when I was in college, painting my nails at least twice a week was one of my top priorities. It was up there with food, sleep and sex. As soon as my polish started to chip, it would quickly be removed and replaced with a new color. I loved bright, vivid colors and I rarely wore anything that looked natural. A fresh manicure was part of how I felt good about myself, even when things were not going as planned.
I took “Live Like Your Nail Color” very seriously.
I mention this now because I stood at the fax machine yesterday and contemplated my fingernails. I haven’t polished them in about two weeks but I have yet to remove the remnants of my last manicure. I’m not too concerned about it because I now stick to neutral colors or baby pinks. Sometimes, I embrace clear nail polish only for weeks at a time. It is difficult to notice until you stare at my hands for more than a few seconds, and even if you notice then, I don’t really care. Home renovations, dish washing and yard work are not exactly manicure friendly.
Somewhere along the line, my priorities changed. My red nail polish has been mostly retired. And that’s okay. Why? Because I know those priorities will change again.
As people, we should be constantly changing, evolving and growing. Usually, those changes are subtle and don’t have a huge impact on our daily living. But over time, those changes really start to add up. It is only when we make a Major Life Decision that the people around us really start to take notice. But when we think of our Major Life Decision in terms of a series of small logical changes, that Major Life Decision isn’t so major.
It is that first tiny step that really is the big deal.
Back to my nail polish: as I stood at the fax machine, I really had to fight the urge to berate myself. When did I get so sloppy? When did I stop caring? What else was I going to stop caring about? Would I ever shave my legs with the same neglect that I now paint my nails?
But then it hit me. It wasn’t that I stopped caring. It was that I started caring more. About different things. About bigger things. My priorities changed but I didn’t notice. Or rather, I didn’t notice that I stopped prioritizing my fingernails but I did notice that I started prioritizing the home my husband and I are renovating.
The key in all of this is keeping track of what your core priorities really are. Is your priority a vibrant career where you make tons of money or is your priority spending time with your mate? Do you prioritize reading new books or do you prioritize finding unique experiences?
You need to know what the core aspects of your life are so that the little things don’t trip you. When you focus on the little problem, you are avoiding the aspect of your life that really needs attention. It may be easier to put off dealing with the big problem but you spend so much time on the little things that you’ll never make the one change that you truly needed.
Workaholic: Is that me?
I’ve had workaholic tendencies for my entire life. The idea of a three year old workaholic may seem a bit absurd but in my case, it is a little more accurate than you might imagine. As a child, I could go ridiculous amounts of time without food as long as I felt compelled to keep working. I also remember refusing to go to the bathroom in kindergarten. I was working on a project and I convinced myself that I didn’t need to go to the bathroom until it was finished. I also remember deciding that day that I didn’t want to ever feel shame again.
And for someone with workaholic tendencies not feeling shame is a good thing. It makes it easier to be a workaholic. You can do some pretty god awful things to yourself if you don’t feel shame when your body betrays you.
When I was puttering around some blogs last night, and promising my husband that I would only read one more post, I read something about alcoholism. Of course that got my wheels churning and I googled “workaholic” to make sure I was spelling it correctly before I posted a comment.
What I really found was a twenty question quiz to determine if I was a workaholic. Three or more “yes” answers meant you needed to get help. I had twelve.
I was floored. I may joke about workaholic tendencies but really, I just think of myself as driven and motivated. I blame my ADD. And if anyone asks, my elaborate organizational systems are really just a coping mechanism for hiding said ADD.
I told Brian. Who was not floored. Who responded with “I didn’t need you to take a quiz for me to know that”.
Then he tells me “You know I have to call your office to make sure you are coming home at night”.
And it’s true. Because he does have to call to get me to come home sometimes. And I’m usually very confused if I only have worked 40 hours in a given week. And if it was up to me, every lunch would be a working lunch.
But instead of all of this urging me to think about getting help, it really leaves me questioning why Workaholics Anonymous implies this is a bad thing. Because almost every question where I answered yes, I really truly believe that only a lazy person would answer no. Call me a workaholic but I think I’d rather refer to it as a “Strong Protestant Work Ethic”.
At what point does motivation and a desire to succeed become a bad thing? And why are we so committed to a forty hour work week as healthy and a sixty hour work week as a sign that there is no work life balance? Is this a sign of an entrepreneurial spirit?
My advisor in college was a recovering alcoholic who was always concerned about me. He thought I was crazy for working full time, going to school full time and being overly involved in my sorority. He used to say that it was only a matter of time until my tendencies gave way to alcoholism. At the time, I used to tell myself that he was just overly paranoid.
Last night I started wondering if he was wiser than I gave him credit for being.
Why you can’t afford to forget your expense sheet.
The end of the month is quickly approaching… Have you submited your expense sheet yet? I know none of us would dream of not submitting our time sheets but for some reason, the same level of importance is not attached to our expense sheets.
I see it all the time at my office: individuals who are not salaried doing company errands on their own time and then never turn in an expense sheet or bill for the hours they worked. The worst part is that it is more common than you think. Frequently, my company only issues one or two reimbursement checks per month.
By not submitting an expense sheet, you are only setting yourself up for failure. You are sending several, very loud and very negative messages to your supervisors and your colleagues. You might as well walk around in a t-shirt that says “I don’t value myself and you shouldn’t either”.
Don’t understand why? Here’s a brief but by no means exhaustive list.
1. You just hurt your ability to negotiate for a raise. Have you gotten a raise lately? Was your last raise everything you wanted it to be? Do you make more money than you know what to do with? Are you independently wealthy and just working for kicks? Unless the answer for all of those questions is yes, you need to submit a sheet. The company isn’t going to remind. HR will not send you an email with the subject line “I notice we owe you money”. But they will notice. And if getting money that is rightfully yours isn’t high on your priority list, getting a raise probably isn’t. If I was your boss, I wouldn’t want to give you more money if you didn’t properly manage the money you already have.
2. You just said you have nothing better to do with your time. I want to work with a group of people with diverse interests and skills. I do not want to work with a group of people that only work. If you are running errands on your personal time and not billing for the hours, you just told your boss that you lead a flat, boring life. My most effective coworkers are individuals who are busy with philanthropy, sports, churches, special interest groups, etc. outside of work. Put yourself in the effective category and get a life.
3. You just obliterated your chance at work/life balance. If you are free to run company errands on your nights and weekends, you’ll never have time for the hobbies you now have in Point #2. While work/life balance is something that falls in the obsolete idea category, most management does not realize it yet. Working an eighty hour work week won’t make you happy. Finding time to better yourself outside of work will. Read a book, visit your grandparents, do some charity work – all of these activities add balance and meaning to your life.
4. You just discounted your contributions to the company. I periodically come into work on a Saturday morning or a Sunday afternoon to clear out some of the work that will only clog the beginning of my next week. I like to start Monday feel clear and refreshed. But when I come in, I make sure my boss and my boss’s boss know about it. And I make sure I’m paid for it. My weekend work time is some of my most productive time all week and I want to make sure my contributions are seen and appreciated. If you need to work a weekend, fine, do it, and do it with a smile on your face. But make sure it is noted. And make sure it doesn’t happen every week. Once a month is plenty. And take the extra cash you earn as an hourly associate and invest it in your career. The money I make in over time goes towards learning new skills that will benefit my career or new suiting.
As odd as it sounds, your expense sheet is a great way to show your company just how hard you work and it is your ticket to getting a company credit card if you haven’t already. If you don’t show that your contributions are consistent and beneficial, no one else will have the time to take note. Your expense sheet is a habit you can’t afford to neglect.
What My New Year Resolutions Look Like: Goal 1
Goal 1: I will take better, proactive care of my health.
I thought this was going to be one of the easiest goals on my list for the year. I had these great plans of things I would do and suddenly everything would be perfect in my health. I was going to become the picture of health and fitness and my husband was going to love me more for it. I was going to go to the gym everyday! I was going to switch my family to an entirely organic diet! I was going to get eight full hours of sleep every night! I was going to eat three, square meals a day! I was going to schedule all of my medical appointments in a timely manner!
I was going to fail miserably because the only goal I managed to succeed on was the sleeping eight hours every night. But man, I’m good at sleeping.
If I wanted to keep my goal, I needed to reevaluate.
The first goal to go was the organic diet. Brian and I have the pleasure of living in Levittown, PA, which is not a bad place to live. It is a bad place to try to find organic food. Beyond Nature’s Promise brand at the Giant, your options are limited. And with the nearest Whole Foods located about 15 miles away, organic became so inconvenient that the stress of finding food for an organic diet seemed to cause more harm than good. The solution? My chiropractor recommended that I start taking Greens. I was not a happy camper about it for the first few days but it has now become part of my morning routine. I’ve also stopped buying junk food for my husband and I make an extra serving at dinner to take to work the next day for lunch. It may not be organic but only having fast food once in the last month is quite an improvement for me.
The next goal to go was going to the gym. My schedule is fairly limited and the only way for me to make it to the gym was to wake up at 4:45 in the morning to haul my booty over to LA Fitness. Seeing as the eight hours of sleep was the only aspect I was succeeding in, it just wasn’t going to happen. So I cancelled my membership and bought an ab-roller and exercise bands. It isn’t quite the same as working out at the gym but its what my schedule allows. And now I don’t feel guilt for not making it to the gym as I should. Score one for me
Finally, I’ve given up on having three meals a day. I tried it, but it was just not happening for me. I’ve always been a grazer. I have been eating about 6-7 meals a day (tiny meals I might add) and I feel better than when I tried to force myself to only eat at work at lunch time. With the one hour lunch, I kept binging and then starving myself. Now I feel less sluggish and more balanced through out the day.
Oh, and the medical appointments? I’ve temporarily abandoned hope of scheduling in a timely manner. I keep needing to schedule appointments involving needles and bloodwork and since I’m such a big baby about needles, I put it off until my husband gets mad. And for now, that works just fine for me.
Coming tomorrow: Goal 2 – I will be kinder to my body.
My Not So Secret Affair with the Written Word
Brian has yet to learn that I should never be taken into an establishment that sells books so I frequently find myself in positions where I am trying to convince myself to only buy five books instead of five hundred while Brian looks confused that he can’t just walk in, buy what he needs and leave. Which is what happened Sunday afternoon as we were trying to finish up our Christmas shopping. Brian had finally thought of the perfect gift for his father’s girlfriend which helped us to finish our holiday shopping in a bookstore. As he hunted through Borders as a man on a mission, I browsed the beautiful aisles filled with books I have yet to read. Each unread book was a friend I had yet to meet.
I read the way some people eat or play video games. I live for a good book. I can ignore my husband for hours on end if the content is compelling and it is not unusual to find me hiding in a strange location with a book. I rarely bring books to my job because I don’t trust myself to not sneak off and hide in the building with my latest page turner in tow.
I purchased four books on Sunday afternoon. Brian had reached the “enough” point with my roaming and since we had taken separate cars, he moved on to the next errand. I still needed to ponder what “excessive” really meant in a bookstore. All of my purchases were impulse buys but that was to be expected. I was able to rationalize by telling myself that since the writers are all striking in Hollywood, there really isn’t anything good on TV except Law and Order: SVU reruns and I’m not sure Brian will be tolerating that for much longer.
Which brings me to my big question: if I didn’t really watch TV anymore, would my book purchases still be excessive? What if Brian and I read at night instead of tuning into a million different TV shows? Would our lives improve for the better? Or would we find that Saturday mornings were used to catch up on TV? What if Brian read instead of internet surfed?
I’m not sure if I’m quite at a point where I’m interested in unplugging my TV but I think I need to cut it back at this point. Brian and I regularly watch over 3 hours of television a day. Considering I watched less than one half hour of television a day at the time Brian and I were engaged, it raises flags about the change in my behavior. I think maybe the most I can commit to is trying to cut back to an hour of TV a day. It is, at least, a start.
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