Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
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Archive of "God" Category
Why I am hungry on Fridays
Despite the fact that I do it on a weekly basis during Lent, fasting is my least favorite of the spiritual disciplines. I know that a spiritual discipline is not designed to be fun but to add to spiritual growth but fasting seems to be the worst. Fasting is a battle of the wills: me versus the cookie jar. Even a twenty four hour fast is brutal. I’m not looking forward to Easter weekend where I traditional fast from services on Maundy Thursday to services on Easter morning. Especially since Brian and I are babysitting for his nieces and nephew that weekend.
One of the big reasons why fasting is so difficult is that it is a constant reminder of how physical our bodies truly are. Chastity, although just as physical, is a bit easier. You can survive without sex. But survival without food is a lot shorter. And at least with chastity, there is still masturbation. Whereas there is no way to self gratify when withholding food is involved.
Fasting is supposed to remind us of what we really need. What we are really hungry for. What we crave on a spiritual level. What our souls need to survive.
What we really need is God.
How easy it is to forget that! If you asked me to rattle off a quick list of things I needed in my life, I’m fairly certain my list would not have God at the top of it. Brian would be at the top followed by my cell phone, blank paper and writing instruments and OPI nail polish. I would tell you that coffee is a biological necessity for me. I would probably tell you that I need an oversized purse to cart my things around in. And I would tell you that I need to wear flip flops or no shoes at all. In our consumer driven culture, needing God is easy to forget because it doesn’t cost money to receive God’s love.
So I fast on Fridays as a reminder. Giving up meat or another luxury for the Lenten season isn’t quite as effective. I am reminded by the loud, angry grumbling my stomach makes. I am reminded by the ache in my belly. I am reminded that God will provide for me and this too, shall pass. I am reminded that despite my weakness, I am strong in God’s love.
Why I Believe in Chastity as A Spiritual Discipline
Chastity. Scary word. My gut reaction is instant dislike. It reminds me of celibacy, of sacrifice, of doing something for no good reason. Chastity was a praised virtue in my home as a teen yet there was no real reason behind it and my mother probably would have fashioned some sort of chastity belt for me had I held still long enough for her to put it on me. Chastity was a virtue that was never defined but expected and the lack of definition left it blurred with celibacy and fear in my mind.
The dictionary defines chastity as:
1: The quality or state of being chaste: as a: abstention from unlawful sexual intercourse b: abstention from all sexual intercourse c: purity in conduct and intention d: restraint and simplicity in design or expression
2: personal integrityThat’s a lot of meaning to leave undefined.
Upon further dictionary reflection, we can also learn that “chaste” means:
1: Innocent of unlawful sexual intercourse
2: CELIBATE
3: pure in thought and act: MODEST
4: severely simple in design or execution SYN Chaste, pure, modest, decent: shared meaning element: free from all taint of what is lewd or salacious.Translation: once you lose chastity, you can never get it back.
Well, then. What about celibacy? It is another very scary word. It was interesting to learn that celibacy has more to do with being sexually pure and a vow to never marry than with simply not getting any.
Still. Why should I care about chastity? What was it going to accomplish? What was the point of keeping my sexual flower intact? What did I have to gain from it? Did God really care if I was virgin? After all, in the Bible I was supposed to be property handed from one man to another and slavery was okay…. since those standards had changed, why should chastity be any different? Was God going to stop loving me if I had sex? I was desperately screaming out for one good reason to remain a virgin, yet none was being provided.
I wanted a good reason.
Needless to say, I went out and had sex. And nothing bad happened. God did not descend from Heaven to punish me. God was easily pushed out of sight, out of mind. He did not seem all that upset that I was getting some. In fact, I discovered that I was damn good at what I did and I enjoyed it too.
The first time I realized how good I was, I kept thinking about how my mother always told people that I was a jack of all trades and a master of none. Oh, I was a master of one alright. I prided myself on being able to meet needs, wants and desires that men never knew they had. Chastity was something for the archaic Biblical students that I made fun of on a regular basis.
I went along quite happily like this for about six years.Around the time I came to the conclusion that “I can’t get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes and my feet are so black and blue”, I started to realize that my plan of attack might not be the best one. Sex was usually physically fulfilling, it was hit and miss with emotional fulfillment, but at the end of the day, it just was not enough.
So I changed.
I’ve been reading a book titled “Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity”. It is amazing. Very well put together, very well thought out. I soon realized that I finally found all of the answers I so desperately sought in high school.
Chastity was not about not having sex. That was merely a consequence of its purpose. It was not about controlling me. It was not about forcing me into an antiquated patriarchal system, designed to hold me down. Chastity was not about making my mother happy or avoiding motherhood.
Chastity was about bringing me closer to God.
Now I should say that I have had sexual experiences that I do believe have brought me closer to God. All of my sexual past has taught me quite a bit about myself, about other people, about men and women, about Christians and Jews and many other believing/non believing types. It has taught me about my own value, about the values that I admire in others, and about the inconsistencies in my own life. I do not want to discount any of those experiences in any way, shape, or form.
But.
I am now left with questions. Why is chastity a spiritual discipline? How will it bring me closer to God? Can I become chaste after being so unchaste? Will I forever be damaged goods? Will the Christian community damn me before I ever get a foot out the door? Will it get easier with time? Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that it was a discipline?
I am starting to wonder if there might be more teen virgins in the Christian community if it was explained as a discipline. I had no problem as a teen with the concept and execution of tithing. It was so ingrained in me that I knew it was something I needed to do. I really only developed a problem with tithing after I realized that God didn’t strike me down the night I put out. If God wasn’t going to punish me for the sex, drugs, and rock and roll, He certainly wasn’t going to punish me if I didn’t tithe. It all made a previously effortless discipline all that more difficult.
I can’t exactly say what makes chastity appealing. It is a number of things. But that isn’t the point. The point is I am becoming closer to God. It is a lot easier to see my own flaws and faults when I am not hiding behind my ability to attract and bed any man of my pick. While I think I was always authentic with others, I did not have to face as many demons when sex was in the picture. Sex could replace almost anything.
Sex is an easy and comfortable vice of choice.
Something I’ve discovered: Even when I practice chastity, I engage in a large amount of unprotected sex. Sex without a condom is a thrilling experience - not only is there an increased pleasure but there is also and increased thrill. Nothing adds quite the same excitement as the subliminal risk of herpes or the clap. The knowledge that the pleasure could cause so much pain makes the Sexual Roulette such a turn on. You might get an orgasm or you might get AIDS.
Sometimes, you get both.
The sex I talk about now is emotional. I haven’t had sexual intercourse almost four months. Yet the last four months have been marked with unparalleled emotional promiscuity. What makes this emotional sex unprotected is that my partners often do not know that they are having sex with me.
Unprotected sex involves some sort of trust. Committed relationship. Husband and wife. Lovers not fuck buddies. Unprotected sex should be carefully planned and orchestrated. This is not an event to be entered into lightly. In this day an age, most married couples do not truly have unprotected sex until they are ready to reproduce.
New question: have I been committing emotional rape?
Clearly, there are ramifications. And only recently did I realize how frequently I did this. I always knew that laundry was a form of emotional sex for me. I deeply tie my emotions to my ability to provide and care for another person. By taking pride in a man’s appearance, I take pride in him. There is something more emotionally binding to me about cleaning his clothes than there is about having sex with him.
I’m also discovering other acts that are emotional sex. Book lending for one. Words have such an intimate meaning for me. Its one thing to lend a text book. It is another thing to lend a dear old friend of a book. That is how I get myself into trouble. My markings, the inner workings of my mind in relation to the author are exposed. In essence, I am exposed in a way that I might not be ready for and in a way that the other person may never realize. I don’t know how detrimental this could be to me but I’m not sure I want to find out.
Lauren Winner wrote: “Communities working toward chastity ought to have honest and true conversations about sex, conversations that include opportunities for counsel and witness.”
I need to work on that more often.
(Originally published June 28, 2006 on Diaryland)
Why God Does Not Appear On My New Year’s Resolutions
I have noticed on several Christian blogs a theme of adding Christ to one’s New Year’s resolutions. I’m going to pray more. I’m going to tithe. I’m going to read the entire Bible. I’m going to be more active in my Bible Study. I’m going to devote more time to Church. I’m going to attend Church every Sunday. I’m going to be a better Christian.
I am going to hurl.
The problem with these resolutions is two-fold. The first problem is that it says very little or very negative things about your current relationship with God. The second problem is a big more concerning: what will happen to your faith if you do not accomplish your goal? There are probably many other problems that can be mentioned but these are two very important problems to start this examination.
Let me expand by adopting the premise that I am going to read the entire Bible and pray more in 2008. Neither are my goals for the year but I believe it will serve as a good example.
What do these goals tell me about my current relationship with God? First, it tells me that my relationship with Christ has not been a priority in the past. Or rather, using the two measuring sticks of faith called “frequent prayer” and “Bible reading” my faith has been inadequate and it needs to be improved. However, changing these habits to make one’s faith agreeable to these measuring sticks does not automatically improve one’s relationship with God. For example, I can read every page of the Bible. I can memorize every word that escaped Jesus’ mouth. I can read the Bible in its original language. I can become a Biblical Scholar.
None of that means that I have become a better Christian. None of it makes me a better wife to my husband. None of it makes me a better representation of the Christian Faith. I am not “Christ-like” because I have read every page of the Bible.
But it creates a false image. Its creates the idea that by completing certain goals and tasks, one can become a better Christian and in turn a better person and in turn have a better seat in the kingdom of God. While that feeds into the middle class dream of suburbia quite nicely, it does very little for a life of true Christian faith. It only fuels a false image to those in our community of how “godly” we are, feeding our egos and pulling us father from God and Christ.
But the second problem is much larger and has a devastating long term impact. What happens when we fail? What will happen to our faith when we do not reach our goal? Or worse, what will happen to our faith when we reach our goal? As Max Bemis of Say Anything points out “Like Judas the Traitor, we are both favored and deeply flawed”.
We fail. We are humans and we have fallen from grace. We are imperfect people in an imperfect world and we ache for the closeness we once shared with God. We ache to walk with God and to feel complete. We are tempted and we sin and we make mistakes. We search for forgiveness and we grant our own forgiveness sparingly. Setting a goal for faith does leave us in a good position for failure.
What happens when I vow to pray every single day in 2008? Do I have to beg myself and God for forgiveness when I miss a prayer? Or are my prayers filled with the simple requests of children but with none of the heart behind them? And what happens during times of doubt when prayer does not come easily? What happens when prayers are not answered the way I want and in the time I demand?
The rift between me and my maker grows deeper at my own doing? I will have set myself up for failure.
More alarmingly, what happens if I succeed? God will not descend upon me, although if I am truly heartfelt in my 366 daily prayers, I will most likely find peace and grace. But I will not find world peace. I will not discover that there is no more political divide (sadly, I will not find that liberal ideals are no longer forced at me in social situations). I will not find that I suddenly know the meaning of life. And if these were things that I expected as a result of my resolution, what will happen to my relationship with Jesus? Will I still know in my heart of hearts that he is, in fact, my savior? Or will it add to the jaded, cynical edge that taints the rest of my life?
The theme between these problems is simple: by making God part of our To Do List, we attempt to stop God from working in His own mysterious ways. We try to make God another aspect of our day planners. And God cannot be compartmentalized in that way. He won’t be. He refuses to be. And he refuses to fit into our areas of convenience by shaking us up.
These goals take away the true meaning of Christ. As Christ’s followers, we need to be able to go out into the world and do the work of God. And we need to be willing to surrender to the inconvenience of it. We need to be open to those moments not falling within the boundaries of our carefully planned lives.
God is not on my resolution list this year. He’ll do what ever he wants regardless of my vows.
Today in Nebraska
I can’t say I’ve ever paid all that much attention to events transpiring in Nebraska but this one really caught my eye.
The defendant in a state senator’s lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He’s everywhere.
State Sen. Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous, Chambers says he’s trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”
The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused “fearsome floods … horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”
He’s seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.
Wow. I understand from other news reports I follow that this gentleman is either an atheist or an agnostic but still. Wow. God as a terrorist? I thought Jesus came to Earth to spread a message of peace, love and faith but maybe he secretly was a terrorist!
I understand that this Senator believes that he is making a point about lawsuit but I think it means so much more than this. He is, to a certain extent, making a very good argument for people to blame God. He is reducing faith to blind fear.
Can Chambers really sue something he doesn’t believe exists though? Strangely enough, I would have a much easier time swallowing this lawsuit if this came from a person who was a Jew or a Christian. Because the first step in this is to believe that God exists. The second step is to believe a literal translation of the Bible. And finally, you have to believe, on some level, that the quality of your life was dramatically decreased because of these “threats”!
Ironically, the lawsuit Chambers says that his lawsuit is in response to, the lawsuit that was so frivolous, involved the use of language in a trial involving sexual assault. The victim is suing a judge because he won’t allow the words “victim” or “rape” to be used in the trial, in turn, making it very difficult to deal with a horrifying crime.
Pope: Other Christians not true churches
Silly Pope! What were you thinking?
Let’s start off by saying I am not Catholic. I am no where remote to Catholic. At this point, I don’t even quite know how to describe myself in terms of Christianity. I would describe myself as a follower of Christ but I would not identify myself as a Christian. As a Presbyterian, I believe in predestination (in the comforting thought context) but I no longer worship in a Presbyterian Church. I attend a nondenominational church but I do not describe myself as a “born again”. I am not a Jew but I try to incorporate Jewish values and traditions into my beliefs as I believe Christianity has lost the value of these traditions. The closest description of myself would be a “non-Jewish Calvinist follower of Christ” but that title is still lacking. And really not all that accurate, but hey, I’m trying.
I am not a Catholic.
I usually laugh at a lot of things that escape the Catholicism Wow Camp. For instance, birth control. While I respect the ideal that couples only have sex to procreate, I believe the Catholic Church is missing a huge learning opportunity for its members. Teach them about safe sex, teach them chastity as a spiritual discipline to build a stronger relationship with Christ. Teenage boys and girls are not going to keep it in their pants. They don’t understand why they need to keep it in their pants. Give them the tools so that they can learn.
I’m also confused on the whole only baptised babies get to go to Heaven concept. I can commit a mass genocide but as long as I repent and confess to a priest, I can still go to heaven. That little baby that didn’t have holy water sprinkled on its forehead though is shit out of luck.
But I try to ignore that. We are all fallen and broken and therefore the institutions we establish on this Earth are also fallen and broken. We are not perfect, that is why we go to church. Periodically though, the Pope issues something that really makes my blood boil.
He says my church does not have the means for salvation.
And perhaps he is right. My church does not have the means for salvation. But Christ has those means. And I believe that Christ is beside us as we worship in the Little Warehouse Church That Could. If our God is a loving god, why would he turn his backs on his followers who worship differently? Do we turn our salvation down by not having a first holy communion, baptism or confession? Does Jesus love us less because a woman led our worship? Is God pissed off because we used a condom with our spouse because we did not have the means to properly care and protect for a child on loan to us from Him?
What did the Pope hope to accomplish in this document? What did the Pope think he was going to accomplish? And more importantly, what did the Pope actually accomplish? Did he desire to alienate other Christians? Did he desire to show the outside world how broken, divided and un-Christ-like the Christian people are?
Was the Pope attempting to point towards Christ in the issuing of this document?
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