Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
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Archive of "goal setting" Category
Wasteful Spending in Suburbia
I don’t usually think of myself as a wasteful person. I don’t like to think that I throw my resources away. I would like to think of myself as a person who consciously uses the things in my life.
Should I mention again that I live in the suburbs?
The suburbs are a wasteful place. It is difficult to live here without your own vehicle. Carpooling is a suburban myth – sure, you could carpool but if you wanted to share your space with other people, you would live in the city.
The suburbs are also based entirely on consumerism. Here we keep up with the Jones’. We also keep up with the Smith’s (I heard they bought a brand new car), the Johnson’s (they are remodeling their kitchen, sweetheart, when are we going to remodel our kitchen, I need granite countertops) and everyone else on the block (Honey, do something, someone might get ahead of us).
But we don’t like to say we’re “keeping up”. Mainly because “keeping up” really means “falling behind”. Instead we are “getting ahead” and “living up to our potential”. Both of those terms translate into “I can’t stop to take a vacation or I could lose all of my stuff”.
Translation: this is a wasteful life.
We waste our money on things we cannot afford. We waste our time in ridiculous commutes because we live so far away from where the jobs are located. We waste our families because we fail to instill a sense of community in our children.
We waste.
We have so much and yet we value so little of it.
We like to be trendy. We go green, rarely because we genuinely care about the world we are leaving for our children but because everyone else is going green. We don’t want to be left out.
We build a false sense of community on trends. Those trends make us feel like we are apart of something bigger than ourselves but because trends quickly pass, we are constantly looking for the next thing that will make us fill connected. And if we are the first to discover something new and trendy, it makes us feel as if we are more valuable than everyone around us.
It is shallow.
I want to change. I want to change the way suburbia lives but I have to change the way I live first.
I’m starting a savings challenge with myself today. I have to be honest: this is not the first time I’ve had a savings challenge. Usually, my challenges consist of no lattes for as long as I can bear or no new shoes or only peanut butter and jelly until I’m malnourished.
This savings challenge will be much more balanced. No wacky extremes. Just serious questions: How often do I really need to have my eyebrows waxed? How much food do we really need to buy at the grocery store? If I buy the cheaper item, will I have to replace it next month?
I’ll be sticking with it for 30 days. Wish me luck.
Change, accountability and Adam Gilbert
Sometimes I hate Adam Gilbert.
In other words, my plan to get back into shape is going great. I’m down about five pounds and I feel great. And Brian keeps telling me how good I look and anytime your husband bursts out a declaration of your superior appearance without prompting, it is a very good sign. And my skinny jeans have become my everyday jeans.
But still, sometimes, I hate Adam.
Yesterday, I hated Adam while I looked at a Tootsie Pop and thought “I could have that and no one would ever be the wiser”. I knew the kids in Sunday school would never rat me out.
But when Adam says that he can get inside your head, he really does mean it. Because as my fingers wrapped around that glorious lollypop stick, all I could think about was having to tell Adam that I ate a tootsie pop. And I didn’t even have a good reason to eat that tootsie pop. My throat wasn’t sore, I wasn’t PMSing and no one had a gun to my head forcing me to eat the tootsie pop.
So Adam’s plan is working. He really is inside of my head. And I put the lollypop down.
The funny thing is I don’t even like Tootsie Pops. They were great when I was a kid but the appeal is minimal now.
Every night I send my food diary to Adam where I tell him every single thing that passed through my lips. When I eat junk, I have to tell him what I ate and why I ate it. And I could come up for excuses for everything I eat (“I ate the Milky Way because I have Mommy issues that only chocolate and caramel can solve” or “I wasn’t going to eat the entire bag of potato chips but I’m concerned about the economy and by eating the potato chips, I am ensuring that someone in a factory has a job”) but I have a little too much pride to do that.
But I don’t really hate Adam. Every morning he sends daily inspirations to his clients. And he actually is inspiring. So while I may hate Adam as I stand in front of the candy bowl in my office as I attempt to practice self control, if I walk back to my computer and read his daily inspiration, I’m inspired again by his commitment and his belief in his clients.
He truly believes his clients can change their lives. And when I remember that I’m his client, I remember that he believes I can change my life. And that feels incredible.
Change and accountability are really rough things to deal with in daily life.
Change sucks because it’s awkward and uncomfortable. It involves stripping away habits and beliefs that might not be the best for you. Sometimes change doesn’t go well and you look ridiculous in the process. But ultimately, change is good for you (despite the initial awkward feeling of unknown). The discomfort forces you to grow. And anything in this life that isn’t actively growing is actually stagnant and dying.
Accountability sucks because it forces you to change. And it makes you get out of your own head and into reality. Reality is harsh. Just like accountability. And I’ll be honest, I know I can’t be held accountable by the people I’m closest to. I would love to think that I could be but sometimes, the idea of being just that vulnerable terrifies me. I fear that if I disappoint them enough, I’d lose their friendship.
It is actually fairly easy to let myself be held accountable by Adam. I could tell him almost anything. I don’t feel judged (this is not shame-based motivation) but I feel encouraged. After a month, I find I don’t want to disappoint Adam.
I also find I don’t want to disappoint myself.
Brazen NYC: That was easy
One of the things I love about the Brazen Careerist network is how easy it is to connect with other people. And I’ll be honest - I have a hard time connecting with other people because I am perfectly content to be by myself and quiet and occupied. So when Brazen makes it so easy, it’s great because then I don’t have an excuse to not connect.
Two weeks ago was the Brazen Meet Up in NYC and I made the trip up from Philly (which was not a bad trip until I got to the Lincoln Tunnel and wanted to turn around and go home when I realized it was an 8 dollar toll just to drive through a stinking tunnel). The meet up was great – I met some fabulous people, discovered some great blogs and managed to get drinks with a friend afterward. I also discovered that Ryan Paugh moves about a room like he’s still the fraternity’s social chair (which then begs the question do I still move around the room like a sorority president?). It was worth that 8 dollar toll through a stinking tunnel.
I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived at the meet up and I was mildly terrified walking in the door. And I had a few moments where I thought I could turn around without anyone noticing I had come into the room. It was the same sort of feeling as when I told my stylist that I wanted to dye my hair red.
Much like the red hair, that scary feeling was worth it. Once I got over myself, I had the opportunity to make real changes in my life while I sipped on a $7 (gasp) glass of chardonnay.
- The fun stuff: I was interviewed by Life Before Noon’s Carla Blumenthal for the Brazen video. Once again, slightly scary but watching the video a week later, I feel really good about how I answered questions and the way I put myself out there.
- The work stuff: I started chatting with Caroline and Connie of SixFigureStart and I really connected with Connie and loved talking with her. Then it turns out that Brazen has been connecting career coaches with bloggers. Then Ryan made the connection between Connie and me and now, Connie is giving me some much needed career coaching. Had I not gotten over myself and gone through the door, I never would have met Connie and had this opportunity. And I get guidance in taking charge of my career. And I get more things to blog about which is always a plus. Keep your eyes open as I’ll be sharing what happens here.
- The personal stuff: I stuck around the event for a lot longer than I had planned. I normally don’t like to be among the last to leave but I was leaving the city that night with a friend who had to work late and I promised my husband I wouldn’t wander NYC by myself. I started chatting with Derek Halpern who made a comment about Adam Gilbert’s blog and company. After I got back to Philly, I made a point to check out Adam’s blog and his company mybodytutor.com. It turns out that Adam is someone who can really help me (I’ve been struggling with my health and fitness goals). That fleeting comment made by Derek sent me in a direction I never anticipated. I’m starting Adam’s program today and once again, I’m a little nervous but I’m also excited because I know I’m about to feel better than I have in a long time. I’ll also sharing updates on my struggles and successes over the coming weeks.
I didn’t have to talk to every single person in the room in order for the event to be successful for me. I just had to talk to a few people and be myself. Maybe networking isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
What ever happened to anonymous?
While pursuing Facebook this morning, I couldn’t help but noticed that a group had been formed for Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, that’s right, Alcoholics Anonymous can now be part of your Facebook experience. Even more interesting, Narcotics Anonymous also has their own group. While you are busy social networking, you can also announce your ties to the twelve steps.
I always thought the anonymous factor of AA and NA was part of the effectiveness. I’m under the impression that no last names are used in their meetings. I’ve never been to a meeting before so I don’t have a very good understanding of what happens during their time together beyond the twelve steps. In fact, if you look at their website, you will find that they do not keep case histories or attendance records. That sounds anonymous to me.
But anonymous is part of the organization’s name. Anonymous. Unnamed. Unidentified. Unknown. Nameless. The group isn’t called “Announcing Alcoholics”. We don’t ask people who are changing their lives and moving away from drug and alcohol abuse to wear some sort of scarlet letter. They’ve been through enough already. Their families have been through enough already.
What is the benefit to announcing this on the internet?
I have no problem with personal testimony from addicts. I think it is truly wonderful and important when they share their experiences with each other and with the people in their lives who have not faced addiction. But I’m just not sure what the benefit is to the Facebook Group. If I could understand the benefit, it might be different.
Maybe part of the problems is that I feel it makes light of a very serious problem.
THE TWELVE STEPSOF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.By the way, if you or someone you know needs help, check out the AA website at www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/
I will be kind to my body
Goal 2: I will be kinder to my body.
Shortly after Brian and I walked down the aisle, a coworker of mine decided that at my work wedding celebration he needed to pass on words of wisdom. As a thirty year old man, his words of wisdom were “now that you’re married, don’t let yourself go”. At the time, I was mildly offended but now I realize he was right.
It is so easy to let yourself go.
Before I got married, shaving my legs every other day was a priority. No one likes a hairy woman. These days, shaving my legs just takes too much time. There is laundry to be done, dinner to be cooked and a job to survive. Shaving my legs can wait till tomorrow. Then, two weeks later, I realize that I’m starting to resemble my husband, at least from the knees down.
I am starting to let myself go.
Being kinder to my body has nothing to do with my physical health but it has everything to do with my mental health. Nothing helps a woman feel better that nail polish that isn’t chipped, eyebrows that are freshly waxed (lip too, if necessary) and legs that are so smooth you can’t wait for bikini season. Call it vanity if you want but I think of it as the Virtue of Selfishness.
And I think my husband likes it too.
At the end of the day, being kinder to my body is being kinder to me. It means taking time to treat myself with love and respect. It means recharging. It means looking like a woman. And it is surprisingly easy to be mean to myself and not even realize it. In the beginning, neglecting myself is about putting my husband first but by the end, it becomes neglecting both of us.
Coming up next: Goal 3: I will read.
What My New Year Resolutions Look Like: Goal 1
Goal 1: I will take better, proactive care of my health.
I thought this was going to be one of the easiest goals on my list for the year. I had these great plans of things I would do and suddenly everything would be perfect in my health. I was going to become the picture of health and fitness and my husband was going to love me more for it. I was going to go to the gym everyday! I was going to switch my family to an entirely organic diet! I was going to get eight full hours of sleep every night! I was going to eat three, square meals a day! I was going to schedule all of my medical appointments in a timely manner!
I was going to fail miserably because the only goal I managed to succeed on was the sleeping eight hours every night. But man, I’m good at sleeping.
If I wanted to keep my goal, I needed to reevaluate.
The first goal to go was the organic diet. Brian and I have the pleasure of living in Levittown, PA, which is not a bad place to live. It is a bad place to try to find organic food. Beyond Nature’s Promise brand at the Giant, your options are limited. And with the nearest Whole Foods located about 15 miles away, organic became so inconvenient that the stress of finding food for an organic diet seemed to cause more harm than good. The solution? My chiropractor recommended that I start taking Greens. I was not a happy camper about it for the first few days but it has now become part of my morning routine. I’ve also stopped buying junk food for my husband and I make an extra serving at dinner to take to work the next day for lunch. It may not be organic but only having fast food once in the last month is quite an improvement for me.
The next goal to go was going to the gym. My schedule is fairly limited and the only way for me to make it to the gym was to wake up at 4:45 in the morning to haul my booty over to LA Fitness. Seeing as the eight hours of sleep was the only aspect I was succeeding in, it just wasn’t going to happen. So I cancelled my membership and bought an ab-roller and exercise bands. It isn’t quite the same as working out at the gym but its what my schedule allows. And now I don’t feel guilt for not making it to the gym as I should. Score one for me
Finally, I’ve given up on having three meals a day. I tried it, but it was just not happening for me. I’ve always been a grazer. I have been eating about 6-7 meals a day (tiny meals I might add) and I feel better than when I tried to force myself to only eat at work at lunch time. With the one hour lunch, I kept binging and then starving myself. Now I feel less sluggish and more balanced through out the day.
Oh, and the medical appointments? I’ve temporarily abandoned hope of scheduling in a timely manner. I keep needing to schedule appointments involving needles and bloodwork and since I’m such a big baby about needles, I put it off until my husband gets mad. And for now, that works just fine for me.
Coming tomorrow: Goal 2 - I will be kinder to my body.
Why God Does Not Appear On My New Year’s Resolutions
I have noticed on several Christian blogs a theme of adding Christ to one’s New Year’s resolutions. I’m going to pray more. I’m going to tithe. I’m going to read the entire Bible. I’m going to be more active in my Bible Study. I’m going to devote more time to Church. I’m going to attend Church every Sunday. I’m going to be a better Christian.
I am going to hurl.
The problem with these resolutions is two-fold. The first problem is that it says very little or very negative things about your current relationship with God. The second problem is a big more concerning: what will happen to your faith if you do not accomplish your goal? There are probably many other problems that can be mentioned but these are two very important problems to start this examination.
Let me expand by adopting the premise that I am going to read the entire Bible and pray more in 2008. Neither are my goals for the year but I believe it will serve as a good example.
What do these goals tell me about my current relationship with God? First, it tells me that my relationship with Christ has not been a priority in the past. Or rather, using the two measuring sticks of faith called “frequent prayer” and “Bible reading” my faith has been inadequate and it needs to be improved. However, changing these habits to make one’s faith agreeable to these measuring sticks does not automatically improve one’s relationship with God. For example, I can read every page of the Bible. I can memorize every word that escaped Jesus’ mouth. I can read the Bible in its original language. I can become a Biblical Scholar.
None of that means that I have become a better Christian. None of it makes me a better wife to my husband. None of it makes me a better representation of the Christian Faith. I am not “Christ-like” because I have read every page of the Bible.
But it creates a false image. Its creates the idea that by completing certain goals and tasks, one can become a better Christian and in turn a better person and in turn have a better seat in the kingdom of God. While that feeds into the middle class dream of suburbia quite nicely, it does very little for a life of true Christian faith. It only fuels a false image to those in our community of how “godly” we are, feeding our egos and pulling us father from God and Christ.
But the second problem is much larger and has a devastating long term impact. What happens when we fail? What will happen to our faith when we do not reach our goal? Or worse, what will happen to our faith when we reach our goal? As Max Bemis of Say Anything points out “Like Judas the Traitor, we are both favored and deeply flawed”.
We fail. We are humans and we have fallen from grace. We are imperfect people in an imperfect world and we ache for the closeness we once shared with God. We ache to walk with God and to feel complete. We are tempted and we sin and we make mistakes. We search for forgiveness and we grant our own forgiveness sparingly. Setting a goal for faith does leave us in a good position for failure.
What happens when I vow to pray every single day in 2008? Do I have to beg myself and God for forgiveness when I miss a prayer? Or are my prayers filled with the simple requests of children but with none of the heart behind them? And what happens during times of doubt when prayer does not come easily? What happens when prayers are not answered the way I want and in the time I demand?
The rift between me and my maker grows deeper at my own doing? I will have set myself up for failure.
More alarmingly, what happens if I succeed? God will not descend upon me, although if I am truly heartfelt in my 366 daily prayers, I will most likely find peace and grace. But I will not find world peace. I will not discover that there is no more political divide (sadly, I will not find that liberal ideals are no longer forced at me in social situations). I will not find that I suddenly know the meaning of life. And if these were things that I expected as a result of my resolution, what will happen to my relationship with Jesus? Will I still know in my heart of hearts that he is, in fact, my savior? Or will it add to the jaded, cynical edge that taints the rest of my life?
The theme between these problems is simple: by making God part of our To Do List, we attempt to stop God from working in His own mysterious ways. We try to make God another aspect of our day planners. And God cannot be compartmentalized in that way. He won’t be. He refuses to be. And he refuses to fit into our areas of convenience by shaking us up.
These goals take away the true meaning of Christ. As Christ’s followers, we need to be able to go out into the world and do the work of God. And we need to be willing to surrender to the inconvenience of it. We need to be open to those moments not falling within the boundaries of our carefully planned lives.
God is not on my resolution list this year. He’ll do what ever he wants regardless of my vows.
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