Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
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Archive of "goal setting" Category
Call for Help: Miss Pennsylvania
One of my favorite people in my offline life is Rachel Marlowe. I’ve had the pleasure of working with her through Phi Mu since I graduated and she always amazes me by how she as it all together. She is a phenomenal sister, a gifted actress and most recently, a stunning Miss Lehigh Area 2009.
In order for Rachel to continue on to the Miss Pennsylvania Scholarship Pageant in June, Rachel has some fund raising to do. Rachel’s goal is to raise $550 for the Children’s Miracle Network (CMN). CMN is also the national philanthropy of Phi Mu – obviously an organization very close to my heart.
Please take a few moments and visit Rachel’s page and please help her to reach her goal. I would love to see Rachel go above and beyond her fund raising goals. If we each donate $5, I know Rachel will more than pass $550.
I’ve posted Rachel’s bio below. Thanks for helping me support her in her goals. I can’t wait to see her move on to Miss America.
Rachel Marlowe, a 21 year old double major in Theatre and Dance, was crowned Miss Lehigh Area 2009 on April 5, 2009 in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Operating under the platform “Work Hard, Play Hard: Arts Education in Public School Systems”, Rachel is passionate about spreading her passion for the arts around Pennsylvania.
In the few short weeks of her reign, Rachel has volunteered at the 6th Street Shelter in Allentown, PA- teaching musical theatre dance to children, at Relay for Life (Muhlenberg College), and at Girls Night Out- benefitting victims of domestic abuse and children orphaned by domestic abuse. She intends to further her platform by visiting local public schools throughout the academic year, promoting arts education. Using the skills she has acquired at Muhlenberg College, located in Allentown, PA, Rachel’s public school program includes reading an inspirational story, learning a new and educational song, drawing pictures and getting physically active through dance! Rachel is preparing for the Miss Pennsylvania Scholarship Pageant in June 2009. Visit MissPa.org and/or http://rachelmarlowe.webs.com for more details.
Outside of the pageant world, Rachel has been performing in regional theatres across the east coast. She has been seen in such roles as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and Phyllis in 42nd Street, both with the Ocean City Theatre Company, and has performed in various charity cabarets, including Muhlenberg Does the Tony’s, benefitting Camp Imagine, a performing arts camp in Allentown, PA. Rachel also enjoys knitting, taking walks through the Lehigh Valley, watching old movies, visiting county fairs and carnivals, and designing dresses.
In addition to promoting her personal platform, Rachel has set a personal goal of raising $550 for the Children’s Miracle Network, a charity that assists families in paying for the medical bills of their children. Rachel, having had chronic asthma as a child, holds CMN very close to heart, knowing full well how much her family had to sacrifice to pay her hospital and medical bills. Please donate to this worthy cause today!
7 Tips for 1st Time Home Buying
When we bought our house in August, we had a rough idea of what we were getting into. The short of it is that we got ourselves into a lot of work. Our house is 90 years old and not in the best of condition. This was not going to be some two week project that was going to make our home livable.
A lot of people will like to tell first time home buyers that building sweat equity is a great way to go. It definitely can be but it certainly isn’t for everyone. Unless you know what you are doing, I’d recommend that you not even bother. Sure, your best friend from college may have done it but that is very different from you doing it.
If you’ve never picked up a hammer before, you won’t want to undertake some of the bigger projects like electrical, plumbing or dry wall. I won’t deny that there is a possibility that you will be able to accomplish these tasks but there is also a possibility that it won’t go as planned and you’ll actually do damage to the most expensive asset you have.
Here are some tips or ideas to talk about if you are thinking of undertaking a similar project.
1. Stick to what you know.
I know how to paint and scrape wall paper off of walls so the majority of the time I spend working on the house, involves doing just that. My husband is a professional carpenter so he heads up projects involving carpentry. When we got to the project that involved installing the oil tank, we did not attempt it on our own. We called our friend the pipe fitter and traded Brian’s carpentry skills for an installation. Similarly, my dad has headed our efforts to redo the house’s electric because he has a level of expertise. That arrangement is great because Brian can work with him on the project and expand his own skill set.
2. Break your project into phases.
When you walk into a handy-man’s special, it is so easy to get overwhelmed. There is so much that needs to be done and it seems like it all should have been done yesterday. Sometimes it seems like it will never get done. I’ve seen more than one man cry at the giant to do list that a fixer upper requires. Don’t worry about everything. You’ll only kill yourself in the process. We broke our renovation project down into five phases listed below. We determined our phases by physical location in the house and estimated cost.
Phase 1: Living Room, Hallway, Bedroom 2 and Bedroom 3
Phase 2: Master Bedroom Suite, Office
Phase 3: Apartment
Phase 4: Kitchen, Guest Bathroom
Phase 5: Outside
3. Cost is an issue.
We did not do our most expensive projects first. Why? We just bought a house; cash flow is different than it used to be. Until we had a better idea of the true impact owning a home would have on our finances, we put off the bigger projects. You’ll notice in Tip #2 that Phase 4 would involve the kitchen. The current kitchen is usable although not ideal. By waiting until further along in the process, it gives us more time to save and budget correctly. Also, we get to hold out for the things we really want instead of getting things we can barely afford.
4. Start up, work down.
Our master bedroom suite is directly over the apartment area and there is a possibility that damage will be done to the apartment as we rough out the suite and add a bathroom. Rather than damage the completed apartment, we are doing the area above it first. The second floor of our home will be completed long before the downstairs and we’ll use barriers of plastic to minimize the dust that is always around.
5. Create a generous, flexible timeline.
Unless you are independently wealthy and have no need to work, renovations will not be your fulltime job (then again, if you were independently wealthy, you would probably purchase a house that was move-in ready or hire someone to make it so). You’ll still have to go work each day, eat and spend time with loved ones. If working our house was Brian’s full time job, we would be done already. By have a generous time line, we avoid feelings of frustration and disappoint.
6. Be flexible, but not too flexible.
The week my grandfather died, work stopped. Mainly because I was a big blubbering mess (okay, I’m still having those moments, but he raised me and I keep being told its okay to not be okay). This was a major, life changing event. It was okay to stop – that was time Brian and I needed to be with family. This is why the timeline is generous. But it isn’t okay to stop because you need to play video games everyday or because you just don’t feel like it. Flexibility is there for the big things and not for the moments where you are feeling high maintenance. (By the way, this tip also doubles as excellent career advice.)
7. Help others.
Anytime you are taking on a project this big, you are going to need some help, even if it is just another set of hands to help paint. You can’t do it all yourself but you also can’t expect everyone to drop everything to help you. Don’t just recruit your friends but do something for them as well. Maybe you promise to help on their next painting project. Maybe you trade them some free hours of work from your area of expertise (I have a friend who is an accountant who pays for all of his home improvements by preparing taxes for free for guys that are in the construction trades). If you don’t help others, no one is going to want to help you. Sometimes Brian takes a Saturday off from work to install crown molding or baseboards for a friend. Just because it is a big project doesn’t mean that you get to stop being a kind person. (Bonus tip: if you aren’t sure how to properly network, this is a very good way to start. Help someone else with no strings. If someone offers to help you, return the favor.)
Creating Personal Guidance Documents
“So what is your plan?”
Such a simple question, posed by a loving husband who wants to see me do well in our life together but still one of the harder questions he has posed to me as of late.
What the hell is my plan anyway?
I know there is something to be said for going with the flowing and not wanting a plan. Flexibility is awesome and I really admire the people who can be spontaneous and still smell like roses.
I also know myself and therefore I know that I am not one of those people. If I am going to pay my bills on time, if I am going to see my family, if I am going to shave my legs on a regular basis, I need a plan just like I need oxygen. No plan is not acceptable. I won’t have a fresh, rose-like smell. (Side note: I used to think I was one of the spontaneous people when I was younger but the truth is that I was a complete wreck and it was a miracle I managed to stay in school.)
And it feels ridiculous to say it but I have to turn back to my guidance document of 2009, my New Year’s Resolution. And since my New Year’s Resolution was set quarterly goals, it was time to move down to the next tier of documents. My quarterly goals are the Standard Operating Procedures for where I am today.
If my plan is to pay off my consumer debt during the first quarter of the year, then I need to make a list of simple steps I can take to do just that. I need to cut make on dinners out. I need to stop purchasing books. I need to make more than the minimum payment on my credit cards.
If my plan is to move into my home, I would need to make a different list. I would need to paint the rooms. I would need to get estimates on carpet installation. I would need to box my belongings. I would need to transport my belongings from one location to the house I call my home.
You can do this with any goal or desire. If you think of your New Year’s Resolution as a guidance document for the year, you then need to think of the next step down as a procedure to accomplish the principles set forth in your guidance document. And in order for those procedures to be effective, you will also need good work orders or protocols to ensure their proper execution.
1Q09
I usually make a laundry list of New Year’s resolutions for myself. I am going to do this. I am not going to do that. I am going to completely transform my life and there is no room for mistakes because I’m only going to live this life once and it has to be perfect.
To which the universe likes to respond with uncontrollable laughter.
Last year I was better. Last year I only made five New Year’s Resolutions. And I did better with them than I usually do. I did write more. I did start reading regularly again (and once I got over the initial hump of reading, I enjoyed it enough to find time for it again). I did take better care of myself (thanks Adam!).
If the quality of a year can be based only on the success of New Year’s Resolutions, then 2008 was my best year ever.
Then again, maybe it is a really good thing that New Year’s Resolutions success is not the only aspect to quality of life.
I had a plan that I was going to do away with my Resolutions this year. And that’s why I did not write about them earlier. Because I wasn’t going to acknowledge the new calendar year in such a way.
Slowly but surely (okay, not slowly, I caved in about a week), I abandoned my plan. I just couldn’t do it. I could not open my pink planner everyday of the year and not see my list of my resolutions (carefully printed on my favorite stationary), waiting for me to be inspired by my best intentions.
At least this year, I’ll only have one resolution: I’m doing quarterly goals.
I’m trying to think about it this way: The only thing that I know about my life twelve months from now is that it won’t be the same as it is today. How can I write a good resolution if I don’t know where I’ll be? And if things aren’t going the way I hope they will, if life gets in the way, if whatever happens, a New Year’s Resolution isn’t going to do me any good.
With resetting my goals every quarter, I’ll give myself a chance to keep an eye on where I’m going and make sure what I thought would work actually does work. It also gives me the chance to set smaller, more manageable goals and still have focus when a goal is complete.
I’ve set a meeting with myself on April 1st to evaluate how my first quarter worked out. Two big items for discussion with myself involve how successful I was with paying down credit card debt and not making any new purchases (ie: using the library instead of spending my hard earned cash on books I don’t have time to read yet).
Here’s to 1Q09!
Wasteful Spending in Suburbia
I don’t usually think of myself as a wasteful person. I don’t like to think that I throw my resources away. I would like to think of myself as a person who consciously uses the things in my life.
Should I mention again that I live in the suburbs?
The suburbs are a wasteful place. It is difficult to live here without your own vehicle. Carpooling is a suburban myth – sure, you could carpool but if you wanted to share your space with other people, you would live in the city.
The suburbs are also based entirely on consumerism. Here we keep up with the Jones’. We also keep up with the Smith’s (I heard they bought a brand new car), the Johnson’s (they are remodeling their kitchen, sweetheart, when are we going to remodel our kitchen, I need granite countertops) and everyone else on the block (Honey, do something, someone might get ahead of us).
But we don’t like to say we’re “keeping up”. Mainly because “keeping up” really means “falling behind”. Instead we are “getting ahead” and “living up to our potential”. Both of those terms translate into “I can’t stop to take a vacation or I could lose all of my stuff”.
Translation: this is a wasteful life.
We waste our money on things we cannot afford. We waste our time in ridiculous commutes because we live so far away from where the jobs are located. We waste our families because we fail to instill a sense of community in our children.
We waste.
We have so much and yet we value so little of it.
We like to be trendy. We go green, rarely because we genuinely care about the world we are leaving for our children but because everyone else is going green. We don’t want to be left out.
We build a false sense of community on trends. Those trends make us feel like we are apart of something bigger than ourselves but because trends quickly pass, we are constantly looking for the next thing that will make us fill connected. And if we are the first to discover something new and trendy, it makes us feel as if we are more valuable than everyone around us.
It is shallow.
I want to change. I want to change the way suburbia lives but I have to change the way I live first.
I’m starting a savings challenge with myself today. I have to be honest: this is not the first time I’ve had a savings challenge. Usually, my challenges consist of no lattes for as long as I can bear or no new shoes or only peanut butter and jelly until I’m malnourished.
This savings challenge will be much more balanced. No wacky extremes. Just serious questions: How often do I really need to have my eyebrows waxed? How much food do we really need to buy at the grocery store? If I buy the cheaper item, will I have to replace it next month?
I’ll be sticking with it for 30 days. Wish me luck.
Change, accountability and Adam Gilbert
Sometimes I hate Adam Gilbert.
In other words, my plan to get back into shape is going great. I’m down about five pounds and I feel great. And Brian keeps telling me how good I look and anytime your husband bursts out a declaration of your superior appearance without prompting, it is a very good sign. And my skinny jeans have become my everyday jeans.
But still, sometimes, I hate Adam.
Yesterday, I hated Adam while I looked at a Tootsie Pop and thought “I could have that and no one would ever be the wiser”. I knew the kids in Sunday school would never rat me out.
But when Adam says that he can get inside your head, he really does mean it. Because as my fingers wrapped around that glorious lollypop stick, all I could think about was having to tell Adam that I ate a tootsie pop. And I didn’t even have a good reason to eat that tootsie pop. My throat wasn’t sore, I wasn’t PMSing and no one had a gun to my head forcing me to eat the tootsie pop.
So Adam’s plan is working. He really is inside of my head. And I put the lollypop down.
The funny thing is I don’t even like Tootsie Pops. They were great when I was a kid but the appeal is minimal now.
Every night I send my food diary to Adam where I tell him every single thing that passed through my lips. When I eat junk, I have to tell him what I ate and why I ate it. And I could come up for excuses for everything I eat (“I ate the Milky Way because I have Mommy issues that only chocolate and caramel can solve” or “I wasn’t going to eat the entire bag of potato chips but I’m concerned about the economy and by eating the potato chips, I am ensuring that someone in a factory has a job”) but I have a little too much pride to do that.
But I don’t really hate Adam. Every morning he sends daily inspirations to his clients. And he actually is inspiring. So while I may hate Adam as I stand in front of the candy bowl in my office as I attempt to practice self control, if I walk back to my computer and read his daily inspiration, I’m inspired again by his commitment and his belief in his clients.
He truly believes his clients can change their lives. And when I remember that I’m his client, I remember that he believes I can change my life. And that feels incredible.
Change and accountability are really rough things to deal with in daily life.
Change sucks because it’s awkward and uncomfortable. It involves stripping away habits and beliefs that might not be the best for you. Sometimes change doesn’t go well and you look ridiculous in the process. But ultimately, change is good for you (despite the initial awkward feeling of unknown). The discomfort forces you to grow. And anything in this life that isn’t actively growing is actually stagnant and dying.
Accountability sucks because it forces you to change. And it makes you get out of your own head and into reality. Reality is harsh. Just like accountability. And I’ll be honest, I know I can’t be held accountable by the people I’m closest to. I would love to think that I could be but sometimes, the idea of being just that vulnerable terrifies me. I fear that if I disappoint them enough, I’d lose their friendship.
It is actually fairly easy to let myself be held accountable by Adam. I could tell him almost anything. I don’t feel judged (this is not shame-based motivation) but I feel encouraged. After a month, I find I don’t want to disappoint Adam.
I also find I don’t want to disappoint myself.
Brazen NYC: That was easy
One of the things I love about the Brazen Careerist network is how easy it is to connect with other people. And I’ll be honest – I have a hard time connecting with other people because I am perfectly content to be by myself and quiet and occupied. So when Brazen makes it so easy, it’s great because then I don’t have an excuse to not connect.
Two weeks ago was the Brazen Meet Up in NYC and I made the trip up from Philly (which was not a bad trip until I got to the Lincoln Tunnel and wanted to turn around and go home when I realized it was an 8 dollar toll just to drive through a stinking tunnel). The meet up was great – I met some fabulous people, discovered some great blogs and managed to get drinks with a friend afterward. I also discovered that Ryan Paugh moves about a room like he’s still the fraternity’s social chair (which then begs the question do I still move around the room like a sorority president?). It was worth that 8 dollar toll through a stinking tunnel.
I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived at the meet up and I was mildly terrified walking in the door. And I had a few moments where I thought I could turn around without anyone noticing I had come into the room. It was the same sort of feeling as when I told my stylist that I wanted to dye my hair red.
Much like the red hair, that scary feeling was worth it. Once I got over myself, I had the opportunity to make real changes in my life while I sipped on a $7 (gasp) glass of chardonnay.
- The fun stuff: I was interviewed by Life Before Noon’s Carla Blumenthal for the Brazen video. Once again, slightly scary but watching the video a week later, I feel really good about how I answered questions and the way I put myself out there.
- The work stuff: I started chatting with Caroline and Connie of SixFigureStart and I really connected with Connie and loved talking with her. Then it turns out that Brazen has been connecting career coaches with bloggers. Then Ryan made the connection between Connie and me and now, Connie is giving me some much needed career coaching. Had I not gotten over myself and gone through the door, I never would have met Connie and had this opportunity. And I get guidance in taking charge of my career. And I get more things to blog about which is always a plus. Keep your eyes open as I’ll be sharing what happens here.
- The personal stuff: I stuck around the event for a lot longer than I had planned. I normally don’t like to be among the last to leave but I was leaving the city that night with a friend who had to work late and I promised my husband I wouldn’t wander NYC by myself. I started chatting with Derek Halpern who made a comment about Adam Gilbert’s blog and company. After I got back to Philly, I made a point to check out Adam’s blog and his company mybodytutor.com. It turns out that Adam is someone who can really help me (I’ve been struggling with my health and fitness goals). That fleeting comment made by Derek sent me in a direction I never anticipated. I’m starting Adam’s program today and once again, I’m a little nervous but I’m also excited because I know I’m about to feel better than I have in a long time. I’ll also sharing updates on my struggles and successes over the coming weeks.
I didn’t have to talk to every single person in the room in order for the event to be successful for me. I just had to talk to a few people and be myself. Maybe networking isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
What ever happened to anonymous?
While pursuing Facebook this morning, I couldn’t help but noticed that a group had been formed for Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, that’s right, Alcoholics Anonymous can now be part of your Facebook experience. Even more interesting, Narcotics Anonymous also has their own group. While you are busy social networking, you can also announce your ties to the twelve steps.
I always thought the anonymous factor of AA and NA was part of the effectiveness. I’m under the impression that no last names are used in their meetings. I’ve never been to a meeting before so I don’t have a very good understanding of what happens during their time together beyond the twelve steps. In fact, if you look at their website, you will find that they do not keep case histories or attendance records. That sounds anonymous to me.
But anonymous is part of the organization’s name. Anonymous. Unnamed. Unidentified. Unknown. Nameless. The group isn’t called “Announcing Alcoholics”. We don’t ask people who are changing their lives and moving away from drug and alcohol abuse to wear some sort of scarlet letter. They’ve been through enough already. Their families have been through enough already.
What is the benefit to announcing this on the internet?
I have no problem with personal testimony from addicts. I think it is truly wonderful and important when they share their experiences with each other and with the people in their lives who have not faced addiction. But I’m just not sure what the benefit is to the Facebook Group. If I could understand the benefit, it might be different.
Maybe part of the problems is that I feel it makes light of a very serious problem.
THE TWELVE STEPSOF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.By the way, if you or someone you know needs help, check out the AA website at www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/
I will be kind to my body
Goal 2: I will be kinder to my body.
Shortly after Brian and I walked down the aisle, a coworker of mine decided that at my work wedding celebration he needed to pass on words of wisdom. As a thirty year old man, his words of wisdom were “now that you’re married, don’t let yourself go”. At the time, I was mildly offended but now I realize he was right.
It is so easy to let yourself go.
Before I got married, shaving my legs every other day was a priority. No one likes a hairy woman. These days, shaving my legs just takes too much time. There is laundry to be done, dinner to be cooked and a job to survive. Shaving my legs can wait till tomorrow. Then, two weeks later, I realize that I’m starting to resemble my husband, at least from the knees down.
I am starting to let myself go.
Being kinder to my body has nothing to do with my physical health but it has everything to do with my mental health. Nothing helps a woman feel better that nail polish that isn’t chipped, eyebrows that are freshly waxed (lip too, if necessary) and legs that are so smooth you can’t wait for bikini season. Call it vanity if you want but I think of it as the Virtue of Selfishness.
And I think my husband likes it too.
At the end of the day, being kinder to my body is being kinder to me. It means taking time to treat myself with love and respect. It means recharging. It means looking like a woman. And it is surprisingly easy to be mean to myself and not even realize it. In the beginning, neglecting myself is about putting my husband first but by the end, it becomes neglecting both of us.
Coming up next: Goal 3: I will read.
What My New Year Resolutions Look Like: Goal 1
Goal 1: I will take better, proactive care of my health.
I thought this was going to be one of the easiest goals on my list for the year. I had these great plans of things I would do and suddenly everything would be perfect in my health. I was going to become the picture of health and fitness and my husband was going to love me more for it. I was going to go to the gym everyday! I was going to switch my family to an entirely organic diet! I was going to get eight full hours of sleep every night! I was going to eat three, square meals a day! I was going to schedule all of my medical appointments in a timely manner!
I was going to fail miserably because the only goal I managed to succeed on was the sleeping eight hours every night. But man, I’m good at sleeping.
If I wanted to keep my goal, I needed to reevaluate.
The first goal to go was the organic diet. Brian and I have the pleasure of living in Levittown, PA, which is not a bad place to live. It is a bad place to try to find organic food. Beyond Nature’s Promise brand at the Giant, your options are limited. And with the nearest Whole Foods located about 15 miles away, organic became so inconvenient that the stress of finding food for an organic diet seemed to cause more harm than good. The solution? My chiropractor recommended that I start taking Greens. I was not a happy camper about it for the first few days but it has now become part of my morning routine. I’ve also stopped buying junk food for my husband and I make an extra serving at dinner to take to work the next day for lunch. It may not be organic but only having fast food once in the last month is quite an improvement for me.
The next goal to go was going to the gym. My schedule is fairly limited and the only way for me to make it to the gym was to wake up at 4:45 in the morning to haul my booty over to LA Fitness. Seeing as the eight hours of sleep was the only aspect I was succeeding in, it just wasn’t going to happen. So I cancelled my membership and bought an ab-roller and exercise bands. It isn’t quite the same as working out at the gym but its what my schedule allows. And now I don’t feel guilt for not making it to the gym as I should. Score one for me
Finally, I’ve given up on having three meals a day. I tried it, but it was just not happening for me. I’ve always been a grazer. I have been eating about 6-7 meals a day (tiny meals I might add) and I feel better than when I tried to force myself to only eat at work at lunch time. With the one hour lunch, I kept binging and then starving myself. Now I feel less sluggish and more balanced through out the day.
Oh, and the medical appointments? I’ve temporarily abandoned hope of scheduling in a timely manner. I keep needing to schedule appointments involving needles and bloodwork and since I’m such a big baby about needles, I put it off until my husband gets mad. And for now, that works just fine for me.
Coming tomorrow: Goal 2 – I will be kinder to my body.
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