Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
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Archive of "family life" Category
Happy Halloween
Halloween has always been my favorite holiday.
When I was a little girl, my Halloween preparations started the day school let out in June. Yes, it took me four and a half months to get ready for the wonderfulness that is Halloween. It was very serious business. After all, Halloween only came once a year and I had to be ready when it arrived.
Halloween was to me what Christmas is to almost every other child in America. I was more concerned about who I was going to be on October 31st than what I was going to get when Santa came to town. Who cares if I was naughty or nice if I didn’t have a good costume!
So every year when school let out, I started plotting and planning my costume. Would I be a witch? Would I be a character from a book? Would I be the popular Halloween costume that every other suburban kid was that year? These were life altering questions.
I wasn’t the type of kid who could decide a week before that I wanted to be a witch. I was the type of kid who had to have the costume started in August in order to be a witch because I needed ample time to develop my back story. Why was I carrying a cauldron? Did I rely on my broomstick to get around? Was I good witch or a bad witch? What kind of spells would I be casting?
Yes, that’s right. I had a back story for being a witch when I was four years old. I made every person in my family refer to me as “Acorn the Witch”. And I was a good witch. Kind of like “Dorrie the Witch” but since I was already Dorie, I couldn’t be “Dorrie”. All of this drove my poor uncle (the single, childless adult) absolutely batty. He couldn’t figure out why I didn’t just get in my costume and get my candy like every other kid.
When I say Halloween was a really big deal, I might actually be understating its monumental importance in my life.
On this side of adulthood, Halloween is weird. Sure its fun to dress up and go out with my friends to a party but it isn’t the same. And it has nothing to do with the candy.
It has everything to do with perspective.
As adult Dorie in a Halloween costume, I’m Dorie as a witch. Or I’m Dorie as Peter Pan. Or I’m Dorie as the random stuff the kids gave me through out the year (Halloween 2006 I decorated myself with all of the stuff my nieces and nephew gave me and walked around the neighborhood with a tutu on my head). I’m still Dorie.
But child Dorie in a Halloween costume was amazing. It wasn’t Dorie as a witch but it was “Acorn the Witch”. The year I dressed up as a flight attendant, I memorized my mom’s emergency speech from her days as a flight attendant. When I dressed up as a pirate, for that one special day, I really was a pirate. I embraced what I imagined.
Halloween became the chance for me to try out different aspects of my personality without fear that they wouldn’t fit in my life. For one day, I could shed my life and try on something different.
I think that’s something all kids need. One day where they can explore different sides of themselves without fear of rejection or judgment or failure. One day where they can embrace the fabulousness that their minds create.
Halloween is really just a giant celebration of creativity and fantasy. The adult versions of us just forget it.
Brian, Dorie and Stress
I used to forget that men and women deal with stress differently. But I also think that most of us forget we deal with stress differently until we watch someone be beaten over the head violently with their own stress. Then we remember. And then we go back to the blissful state of ignorance when the poor victim of stress walks away. Life is great.
This stops working once two people decide to walk down the aisle. Then, all bets are off. I’m not trying to scare the single friends out there but it’s true.
Then you get the pleasure of living with your mate’s stress and their way of addressing their stress.
Like many women, when stress hits I give myself a pep talk and pull myself up by my bootstraps. Your house collapsed and you have nowhere to go? Great, I’ll organize a community meal schedule and prep the house for you to stay with me for a month. I’m five minutes away. Oh you need a baby sitter with ten minutes notice? Great, by the time you pick up your family, the kids will be fed, homework will be done and my house will still be immaculate. Money is tight, we got a surprise bill and you don’t know how we’re going to manage it? That’s fine, I moonlight as a miracle worker, and I’ll make it happen.
It sounds ridiculous but this is how I process everything in my head.
Brian’s approach to dealing with stress is much different. He shuts down. He ceases to function. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. He’s okay with stress to a point, and then he is not. He just stops.
I go into “Super Bitch” mode when I get to that level of stress. At that point, I’m going to get my shit done and you will not get in my way. Brian is very kind when he calls me “Cranky Face”. A little too kind perhaps. Kind to the point of lying to me.
We both get a little annoyed with the other for our respective coping mechanisms. The coping mechanisms that worked best when we were single are not necessarily the best coping mechanisms in terms of a marriage.
I talked to my friend Carmella about this. Carmella is a marriage counselor and a newlywed herself. She is also my frequent voice of reason. When I cross over into crazy land with my expectations of other people, she is the one who can say I’m being unreasonable and I know that statement from her does not come from a defensive place. It comes from the voice of someone who is pursuing a Ph.D. in Psychology.
Carmella, of course, tells me that this is normal and most couples find themselves with similar responses. Which I find hard to believe at first. Because how did we as humans manage to populate the planet if the men-folk were shutting down every time stress happened? “Uh-oh Honey, some prehistoric beast is attacking our cave! No wait; don’t hide in the corner, save our offspring!”
But while I am still contemplating the evolutionary implications of our stress reactions, Carmella tells me that the dinners I make are excessive. And she’s right. Because dinner is a massive undertaking in our house. It takes me at least an hour to make dinner every night. Maybe I’m going overboard but I want my husband to have one really good meal every day.
The night after I talk to Carmella, Brian looks at me and says “you get home every night and it’s late. And then you make dinner and it’s late. And then you clean up dinner and it’s late. And then we watch TV but you fall asleep.”
I deal with stress by trying to make a perfect meal and Brian deals with stress by wanting to watch television with a wife who is awake.
We continue the dance of figuring out what it means to be in a marriage with each other.
Life with Don
I keep finding posts and articles about Gen Y and moving back home stumble flash across my browser and I think it’s time I say something about it. Mostly in the form of a confession.
Brian and I have spent the first 18 months of our marriage living with my father-in-law, Don. I usually try to avoid saying it flat out but I know I’ve alluded to it in the past in both comments and posts.My name is Dorie, I’m 26 and I’m a boomerang kid.
I moved back home follow graduation. Which was horrible. I am convinced that the only way possible for my mother and me to function as rational people is for us to live in different zip codes. Life post graduation in my childhood bedroom was mind numbingly horrible. We fought constantly, I tried to be drunk for as much of it as humanly possible and I was stuck. It’s a miracle anyone survived.
Then I met Brian, we decided to get married and I moved into his father’s house. Most women fear moving from their father’s house and directly into their husband’s house. Brian and I were flat broke and that wasn’t an option.
We spent the first six months on a futon on the floor of his high school bedroom. For the last year, we’ve actually had a bed to sleep on. It was by no means comfortable living but we did it.
Part of the weirdness comes from the fact that I run my late mother-in-law’s household. It’s her organizational systems that I maintain. I cook in her kitchen. I use her washer and dryer for the household’s laundry. It kind of feels like limbo. Because it is limbo.
So why did we do it?
1. Housing in Lower Bucks County is really expensive. A one bedroom apartment in the bad part of town will set you back at least eight hundred dollars a month. For about four hundred dollars more, we could get a mortgage. Since we were committed to the Philadelphia area, why rent when we could buy?
2. We could not afford to buy a house right away. We did not have enough money for a down payment. It took about a year for us to save enough money for a down payment. Had we been renting, we calculate it would have taken 3 to 4 years to save enough money.
3. We wanted a place we could stay rent free while we renovated a home. Brian is a carpenter. It made sense to get a handyman’s special.
4. Nine months before our wedding, Brian’s mom passed away. Moving was just too painful.
Now that our time in Brian’s childhood home is wrapping up, I catch myself reflecting on the time. There are a lot of pros and a lot of cons too.
Pro: It taught us how to fight. Having someone else in the house to hear it when we were disagreeing helped us to stay kind to each other. Because it’s one thing to have in-laws. It’s a whole different thing to have your spouse’s family hear your disagreements. The upside is that we’re pretty good with disagreeing without yelling.
Con: Sometimes you just want a good fight with no one listening. Sometimes I want to rant and rave like an absolute lunatic and not have my father-in-law listening to my insanity.
Pro: It’s broken down the typical “in-law” issues. Brian’s dad isn’t just “my father-in-law” but Don. He’s a real three dimensional person, not just someone to deal with at family functions. These living arrangements have connected me to Brian’s family in ways our marriage couldn’t do by itself.
Con: It makes it harder to be “Dorie” in terms other than “Brian and Dorie”. Limited living space a couple means that there is also limited space for me to still be home but alone. For the first 6 months, we were literally on top of each other because our “bed” was so small. We now live in two rooms but it can still be a challenge.
Pro: We didn’t have to buy what was available. We were able to be fussy about the house we purchased because we didn’t have to worry about when a lease would be up. We also were able to start our renovations without having live in construction or pay rent. It took a lot of pressure off.
Con: Sometimes it took a little too much pressure off us. To the point of becoming lazy. It becomes easier to say “no, I won’t work on the house today because it is raining” instead of saying “I have to move in a month, I have to get to work”.
Pro: We were able to save a ton of money. We were able to have money for a down payment for our home and still have money left over for renovations. I won’t say we are rolling in cash but we are able to get by today without too much panic.
Con: Sometimes it was really tempting to spend that money. Sometimes we were able to practice self control, other times we just couldn’t do it. While I may have loved coming home some days to random jewelry surprises (“Hello Sapphires, I love the way you look on me too”), it did not help our plan to put money aside.
Overall, living with Brian’s dad has been very good for us but I’m not sure I would recommend it to anyone else. If you do find yourself in a situation where you are married and living at home, set some ground rules first and get those rules in writing. Some questions you should ask:
1. Are we expected to pay rent? How much? What day should I give you money?
2. What household responsibilities are we responsible for?
3. What household errands are we responsible for?
4. What are your responsibilities are you response for as the home owner?
5. How will we handle the holiday seasons?
6. What are restrictions for having guests over?Treat everything like it is a business arrangement. It may sound impersonal but it is a key part of maintaining a functioning family in an awkward situation.
And don’t forget to make an exit plan too!
Dorie vs. The Breast Pump
On Friday, I spent 45 minutes wandering around Target trying to buy a breast pump.
I think it might have been the most challenging thing I attempted to do all week.
And I walked into Target thinking it would be easy. After all, people have babies all the time. And lactating women use breast pumps all the time. How hard could it be? I might not have a child myself but I have breasts and a college degree so I should be able to figure this out without a problem!
I thought wrong.
I never realized it but there are so many options available. On one hand, this is great. Women have the chance to select the option that they like best. Manual or automatic! Your choice! You can pick a brand, the features you want, the price point you are most comfortable purchasing.
On the other hand, there were so many choices. And I hadn’t done research in advance. I didn’t really know what I was looking for. I just knew I had to buy a breast pump.
I started wandering up and down the aisles of the baby section, looking for new moms. I needed advice and who better to pass out that information than a woman with a baby. Even if a woman doesn’t have her baby with her, you can tell she’s a new mom because she’s in the baby section with an exhausted look in her eyes. She’s also moving with incredible speed because she knows the faster she finishes, the better her chances are of five extra moments of sleep.
The women who are not new moms can be spotted because they look so excited to be purchasing impractical baby supplies.
I asked three women for guidance and all of them told me that they didn’t breast feed. One woman told me she was concerned about losing the shape of her breasts. Another woman asked me when I had my baby (um, no?!) which was when I realized that I would have to make a decision by myself.
I picked up a manual pump and what I thought would be everything I needed to get someone started with a breast pump. The box wasn’t very clear but I thought I had everything I needed. I had breast shields. I had breast pads. I had empty bottles and I had caps for those bottles. I had both slow and medium flow nipples. I had freezer bags for breast milk. And I had a friendly guide to breast feeding (which would hopefully make up for the unfriendly lactation consultant my sister-in-law had been subjected to).
I felt quite proud of myself. A twenty-something woman without a baby in Target had successfully purchased a breast pump! Without months of research and consumer reviews! Without the help of someone who had breastfed! Without crying from frustration! Forty five minutes and one hundred dollars later, I had purchased a breast pump! My niece would be well fed! I was victorious!
And when I got back to the apartment, I discovered it was also without those wonderful plastic rings that would attach the nipple to bottle. Forget slow or medium flow, the only way this milk was ending up in my niece’s belly would involve her mastering holding a non-sippy cup and consuming from it at the tender age of five days old.
Three stores later, I gave up on finding rings sold separately and purchased a new set of bottles. This time with rings.
At least I learned.
I’m not a parent. At least not yet. But my niece is teaching me the same lessons in flexibility and adaptability that she is teaching her parents. But I didn’t have to live through pregnancy and labor and child birth to get those lessons.
Thank God. I’m not sure I’m ready for the lessons that come from child birth just yet.
Meet my niece!
I’d like to take a moment to introduce everyone to the newest addition to the family: Natalie Clayre!
Natalie has one day, one hour and fifty minutes of living under her belt.
And she’s amazing. She’s so beautiful, I don’t know what to do with myself. And there’s something about watching her father hold her oh so carefully that overwhelms me.
It makes me want to make such a beautiful soul with Brian.
My Niece
We’re so blessed to have the new person in our family. Our lives may have changed tremendously over the last year but none of that matters when you look at this face that just wants to be loved and supported.
Already, everyone wants to be near her. Everyone wants to love and be loved. Everyone wants a moment to touch a miracle.
She humbles you.
She doesn’t know anything about career development. She couldn’t give a rat’s ass about her daddy being a gamer or her Aunt Dorie being a blogger. She doesn’t know we dream about her changing the world someday. She doesn’t even know that her tongue is permanently attached to her yet!
But she has her priorities in check. She is living the balanced life we all dream about it. Her only concern relates to when her mommy will feed her again.
She’s smarter than I will ever be. Someday, I’m going to look at this kid and wonder how she knows so much.
Natalie Clayre
But today, I’m just going to look at this face and be grateful that my family has been changed by her. And in such wonderful ways.
Congratulations Jason and Kelly! Your family is beautiful!
Guest Post: I want to be a four year old!
Today’s guest post comes from Kristina Summers of Everyday Public Relations. Kristina is from Georgia, the mother of three and is also in grad school. I am amazed by her ability to balance her home life and her work life. Kristina’s blog is also part of the Brazen Careerist network. Enjoy!
I want to be a four year old!
I took my son to the dentist today. It was only his second trip in six months, the bi-annual cleaning, but boy did he have a great time.
Six months ago, a different story. I actually had to hold him down while they pried open his clamped shut jaws. He bit me and the technician, but she got the job done and we left the office with a clean bill of health and the reassuring news that he had “near perfect tooth structure”. What a relief, only two other children to go.
So you can imagine my apprehension at dragging my wonderfully active four-year-old pre-K veteran back to the dentist today. I actually woke up late and I am convinced that my subconscious was trying to get me out of the dreaded task.
Well, my fears were soon to go up in a puff of smoke…he was great. He was still and cooperative, as long as they kept answering his inquiries. He wanted to know about everything and had a million stories he was anxious to share. We all left the office with smiles, and that included the dentist and the aforementioned bitten tech that actually squirmed when our names were called. (Was she really rubbing a phantom bite-mark when she first saw us?)
When did it happen? I’m not sure, but at some point he turned from the insane “I-want-I-want-I-want-NOW-NOW-NOW!” terrible two and then three year old, into the delightfully curious and interesting four year old he is today.
He asks a million questions…wants to know everything about everything. If only life could continue to hold that fascination for adults.
He truly enjoys every day, always excited about the new and wonderful things he will learn. His wonder at the world around him is almost enough to bring you to tears.
I find myself staring sometimes.
What would our crazy world be like if we all took a little time to remember what it was like when the world was new? Without cynicism, regret or even a mild case of the “what if’s.”
If we took a regular nap, played with our food, kept our hands to ourselves and made a point to wear non-matching socks…
I know we all grow up and that it is slightly delusional to want to be a child again, but I can’t help but ponder on the ridiculousness of endless credit card debt, continued poverty (in the U.S) and gang violence.
I want to revel in the beauty all around us. Celebrate wonder.
There are lessons we can learn from observing the innocent.
Just call me Crackles
When Brian and I first decided to get married, we had this dream of owning a business someday. Or rather, we dreamed about building our own real estate empire. We wanted to buy old houses, renovate and remodel and then either rent or sell the properties. Brian would be in charge of the actual construction and I would be in charge of everything else. It seemed like a brilliant idea.
In fact, it still does.
We finally bought our first property three weeks ago and we get the pleasure of really learning about what having an entrepreneurial marriage would look like. And by pleasure, what I really mean is something more along the lines of having our eyes opened by surprise and shock.
We really weren’t expecting this.
But we’ve also learned a lot of good things too. About ourselves, about our marriage and about how we want to build a business.
Your Network
Your business is only as good as the people who support it. And the character of the people who support your business are a reflection of the character of the business. If your network is filled with people who suggest actions that are illegal or slightly unethical, take a step back and ask why those people are in your network. We learned this lesson but interacting with the seller’s representatives. We will not work with people who exist in that network again because we know there are problems within that network, we just don’t quite know where.
Your Work
I’m a self starter when it comes to projects. I want to show up, get the job done and move onto the next thing. I’ll take a break when the task is completed or if the task is too big, I’ll break it up into smaller chunks. Brian, on the other hand, is not a self starter. He’s much better at making the day fun. And that’s okay. Between the two of us, stuff gets done and everyone has a good time.
Our Marriage
Sometimes, you just need to be reminded how well you work together. I won’t lie; it’s been a rough few months for my husband and me. With family drama, house drama and work drama, it isn’t always easy to connect. But working together on the house gives both of us a chance to look at each other at our best. And I shouldn’t forget to mention how great it feels when we can share the sense of accomplishment (instead of telling the other about a sense of accomplishment during dinner). Team Morgan becomes stronger because of it.
Our Knowledge
My husband has totally different set of skills than I do. He creates beautiful things in homes and I know he makes other people’s lives better because of it. Working together gives me a great opportunity to learn new things from Brian. Learning new skills changes my perspective and helps with problem solving elsewhere. I might not use carpentry skills everyday in the office but who can’t use a new way to look at the world? Once you have an understanding of a skill set, you can look to apply that set in new directions.
Our SillinessOn our first day of work, my dear sweet husband started giving out construction names. My mother was named “Butchie”. Because of my dad’s resemblance to the guy on the Mr. Clean bottle, he was named “Sparkles”. But what did Brian name his wife? “Crackles.” Why? Because “Cracker” was already taken by someone else he knows.
So I did what any good “Crackles” would do: I told them all to shut up and get back to work
How to look normal at work
If you have been following along for the last few weeks, you may have noticed that life is very up and very down right now. On side of things, I bought my dream home and I’m thrilled (even though there may be issues with keys, U&O and dead bodies). But on the other side of my life, there is family stress (with the worst of it being that my 87 year old grandfather breaking his hip). And then there’s this thing called blogging that I love to do and that other thing. I think it’s called my job (you know, that place you go to for at least eight hours a day and they give you money).
To be quite honest, I’m struggling not to be a complete train wreck. I think I’m keeping it somewhat together but every now and then, the desperation seeps into my tweets. And sometimes it seeps into my blog posts but I keep hoping that it reads as insightful.
I’m really struggling with the work thing though. Part of me wants to hide under my desk and cry all day or take Costanza naps because I’m not really sleeping at night. But more of me wants to kick ass and not let my personal life impact my work life.
But here’s the thing: What I really want is a blended life. I really want a life that isn’t deeply compartmentalized. And my personal life is going to impact my work life. I know I haven’t really been my best lately.
The question then becomes how can I step back slightly at work without letting my team down?
Talking: As per usual, my direct supervisor and HR know what is going on. Part of me was hesitant to tell them but here’s the deal: If I don’t tell them what’s going on, I only shoot myself in the foot. I’ve also told the administrative staff (because if the phone call comes in that I have to take off for the hospital, I would hope the admins would hunt me down right away).
But what about the rest of my coworkers? Should they know? The people on my team know that I have some personal events going on and I may need a little more flexibility right now. I’m not asking them to bend over backwards for me but I am letting them know that I may need a slightly longer lead time on some projects.
As for the other people I work with, if they ask, I’ll tell them what’s going on but I’m leaving the details out of it. “My grandfather fell and broke his hip so I’m spending a lot of time at the nursing home with him” is a perfectly acceptable response to give. “Well, my grandfather fell and he broke his hip so there was surgery to replace the hip but now my mom and I are concerned that’s he’s being….” is not an acceptable response. No one wants to hear that much. Oh and if they don’t ask, I’m not telling.
Projects: This is not the time to be superwoman in the office. While I always love to bite off more than I can chew, now I’m focusing on the tedious tasks that my department had been putting off. There are several benefits to this approach.
- These tasks are very repetitive. I can put on some music and zone out to the task at hand.
- I can have a little less interaction with people at time when interaction overwhelms me. I have this habit of crying at the drop of a hat and it is more than slightly embarrassing at times like this. By keeping a low profile, I can get things done without having to hide in the bathroom to cry.
- No one else wants to do these jobs but they have to get done. I’m taking some of the nagging pressure off of my team.
To Do Lists: I’ve always been a compulsive list maker but when times get rough, a good list can be a saving grace. When I get to the office every morning, I make a list of the top ten things that I need to do that day to keep things running smoothly. And I stick to ten things so I don’t overwhelm myself at 7 in the morning. Then I rank those items but how important they are and I start with the most important item. It’s a simple approach but it helps me keep my priorities in order. When I can’t trust myself to make consistent decisions about priorities, my list allows me to make most of my decisions for the day at a time when my mind is the clearest.
We all have times in our lives where life overwhelms us and it’s tough to keep it together. But we have to keep it together because life won’t stop moving forward because we aren’t sure what to do next. As adults, it is our job to tell the people around when we need help or when we think we are dropping the ball.
Babies? Maybe Later
After nine months of trying, my best friend is finally pregnant. Thank God. I’ll miss calling her weekly and starting the conversation with “so, are you knocked up yet?” but it is a small price to pay for her happiness. She’s wanted a baby for a while now.
Brian’s older sister is pregnant too. She’s due in October and expecting a little girl. She started trying around the same time my best friend did but things worked out a little faster. I have to admit, I’m looking forward to being an aunt again.
Even our next door neighbors at the new house have a new baby boy. I think their six year old daughter was confused when her brother turned out to be a baby and not a kid her age to play with. She also wants to know when Brian and I will be having babies because “there aren’t enough kids around here”.
It seems like there are babies everywhere. I guess it is a side effect of actually being an adult now.
I’ve always wanted to have a big family. I may not have dreamt about being a bride when I was a little girl but I dreamt about being a mom. I am an only child so I used to daydream about a house filled with chaos and madness and kids everywhere. The idea of a big family still sounds very appealing. But when the 6 year old asked me about having kids, I froze.
I am not ready to be a mom.
I am not ready to give up my freedom.
I am not ready to stop being selfish.
And I don’t think I should be making babies until I’m ready to put a child first. As an educated person who understands how babies are made and can take the necessary steps to avoid premature baby making, having a child before I’m ready is just irresponsible.
The downside to this line of thought is that I keep hearing that there is no “right time” to have a kid. Because children are messy and inconvenient. They say things that make the neighbors cringe. Kids are expensive.
And once a child arrives, you can never go back to not being a parent. It is one of the most permanent changes you can make. (At least if you are a woman. In the case of my birth father, it didn’t seem to slow him down.) Children change priorities. They change your life.
And that change is appealing, but not yet. There is so much I want to do with my life before I start to worry about the dangers of vaccinating children and start to focus on providing my children with a strong start in life. I want to travel, to write a book, to actually finish renovating my house. I want to be a wife and appreciate my time with my husband. I want to see what I can accomplish in my career. I want to be able to take off on a weekend trip on a moment’s notice and not worry about tracking down a babysitter.
I told my new 6 year old friend that there would not be any babies anytime soon but my nieces and nephew would come to visit. And in typically 6 year old fashion, she quickly moved onto the next topic that interested her. It was adorable.
Here’s what I’m ready for – I am ready to be the favorite aunt. I’m ready to do the fun things with kids and not worry if the homework is done or if they are behaving correctly. I’m ready to rediscover the world through the eyes of my niece but I am not ready to rediscover the world through the eyes of my daughter.
I really thought someone would have shot me
Preemptive apology for the disjointed nature of this post.
Last Thursday my grandfather fell at his nursing home and broke his hip. On Friday, he had surgery to replace that hip. On Sunday, he woke up seemed very confused by me. Yesterday (Tuesday), he finally woke up and knew who people were.
It has been a rough couple of days to say the least.
Partially because we weren’t sure he was going to make it. Partially because we were afraid he would make it. And so we sat in hospital chairs, murmuring back and forth that everything was going to be okay.
I did a lot of writing since Thursday, but all of it was intensely personal. I thought about posting it but I realized that if I got one negative comment on what I wrote, I would be devastated. And if I can’t handle the criticism for what I write, I shouldn’t be sharing.
But yesterday, my grandfather woke up. And this time he knew who I was.
It is really hard to see him like this. Because this is so different from the way he lived his life. And when the person you respect most in the world looks at you and says “I really thought someone would have shot me before I got to this point”, it can break your heart.
After I fed my grandfather dinner last night and left the hospital, I started wondering about how you measure lifelong success. Or if you can even measure it at all. In the twilight of life, what are the markers of success that really matter?
My grandfather wrote a list of things to be included in his eulogy in 1985 when he retired from his career. I was three years old at the time. He ended it with a statement about spending his retirement with his granddaughter and living happily ever after. Twenty three years later: Did he really live happily ever after?
If we look at the 1985 list of accomplishments and then ask the question “was this life successful”, I think it is easy to come to the conclusion, that yes it was. But when we move forward over twenty years and ask the same question, reaching the same conclusion becomes complicated.
The last twenty years have been stagnant.
And maybe that’s what he really wanted.
But it seems at conflict with the first sixty-five years of life. And I have a hard time believing someone worked so hard for 65 years just to let it all go so quickly.
Maybe the apathy is a symptom of a larger problem that I am just not seeing.
I think this is so disconcerting to me is because I see a lot of my grandfather in me. And I fear living my twilight years in the same condition that he has lived his.
I would hope that I would keep growing and changing well into retirement. I would hope that I would continue to do one thing that terrifies me each day until I die.
So now I’m left with questions. How do I live my life? Do I need to change the way I live now in order to ensure my own happiness sixty years from now? Will the decisions I make today impact my ability to die with dignity?
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