Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up
Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life
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Archive of "faith" Category
Meet my niece!
I’d like to take a moment to introduce everyone to the newest addition to the family: Natalie Clayre!
Natalie has one day, one hour and fifty minutes of living under her belt.
And she’s amazing. She’s so beautiful, I don’t know what to do with myself. And there’s something about watching her father hold her oh so carefully that overwhelms me.
It makes me want to make such a beautiful soul with Brian.
My Niece
We’re so blessed to have the new person in our family. Our lives may have changed tremendously over the last year but none of that matters when you look at this face that just wants to be loved and supported.
Already, everyone wants to be near her. Everyone wants to love and be loved. Everyone wants a moment to touch a miracle.
She humbles you.
She doesn’t know anything about career development. She couldn’t give a rat’s ass about her daddy being a gamer or her Aunt Dorie being a blogger. She doesn’t know we dream about her changing the world someday. She doesn’t even know that her tongue is permanently attached to her yet!
But she has her priorities in check. She is living the balanced life we all dream about it. Her only concern relates to when her mommy will feed her again.
She’s smarter than I will ever be. Someday, I’m going to look at this kid and wonder how she knows so much.
Natalie Clayre
But today, I’m just going to look at this face and be grateful that my family has been changed by her. And in such wonderful ways.
Congratulations Jason and Kelly! Your family is beautiful!
Where is your faith?
I usually find myself painting Sunday mornings at church when I’m not helping in the nursery or Sunday School room. I am not sure if I would identify myself as an artist or a painter but it is something that I enjoy doing and it is relaxing for me.
This past week, I caught myself ignoring the sermon and letting my mind wander. Somehow, I ended up thinking about faith. Not in the God, Jesus, Allah, Yhwh, etc. sort of way but in the faith in life sort of way. We all have to have some sort of faith in the unexpected things that will happen each day.
Despite my tendency to have periods of radical doubt where I question Jesus and if I even believe in him as the son of God, I rarely question if I believe in God. I always think of God as the constant but I am starting to realize that God is not my only constant source of faith.
For example, I have faith that I will have work everyday, Monday through Friday. I don’t actually know yet that I will have work but I have faith that management won’t just close up shop in the middle of the night. I have faith that as long as I work hard, I will be employed.
I also have faith in my marriage. I have faith in my husband – that he will be a good provider and partner. I have faith that he will not cheat on me. I don’t know that he will or won’t be faithful but I will have faith until the moment one of us takes our last moments on this earth.
I have faith that the world is fundamentally good, despite some of the really messed up things that are happening right now. If I didn’t have that faith, then I wouldn’t be able to think about having kids. Because you can’t in good conscious bring new life into a place that you believe is bad or evil. And I have faith that this world can/will be made better within my lifetime.
I have faith that change will happen but it will not be permanent. I have faith that my hair will continue to grow but I do not know that it will happen until I see it grow longer. I can predict that this will happen and then I can observe when it does happen.
I have faith that I will not live forever. I have faith that I have this one life and that I cannot waste it (whether that be as a cube dweller or as a kept women). Death will not be certain until I experience it.
As people, we don’t have to believe in God or Jesus or any other spiritual path. But we do have to have faith in order to survive.
What do you have faith in? Are there areas of your life where your faith surprises you or confuses you?
Why I am hungry on Fridays
Despite the fact that I do it on a weekly basis during Lent, fasting is my least favorite of the spiritual disciplines. I know that a spiritual discipline is not designed to be fun but to add to spiritual growth but fasting seems to be the worst. Fasting is a battle of the wills: me versus the cookie jar. Even a twenty four hour fast is brutal. I’m not looking forward to Easter weekend where I traditional fast from services on Maundy Thursday to services on Easter morning. Especially since Brian and I are babysitting for his nieces and nephew that weekend.
One of the big reasons why fasting is so difficult is that it is a constant reminder of how physical our bodies truly are. Chastity, although just as physical, is a bit easier. You can survive without sex. But survival without food is a lot shorter. And at least with chastity, there is still masturbation. Whereas there is no way to self gratify when withholding food is involved.
Fasting is supposed to remind us of what we really need. What we are really hungry for. What we crave on a spiritual level. What our souls need to survive.
What we really need is God.
How easy it is to forget that! If you asked me to rattle off a quick list of things I needed in my life, I’m fairly certain my list would not have God at the top of it. Brian would be at the top followed by my cell phone, blank paper and writing instruments and OPI nail polish. I would tell you that coffee is a biological necessity for me. I would probably tell you that I need an oversized purse to cart my things around in. And I would tell you that I need to wear flip flops or no shoes at all. In our consumer driven culture, needing God is easy to forget because it doesn’t cost money to receive God’s love.
So I fast on Fridays as a reminder. Giving up meat or another luxury for the Lenten season isn’t quite as effective. I am reminded by the loud, angry grumbling my stomach makes. I am reminded by the ache in my belly. I am reminded that God will provide for me and this too, shall pass. I am reminded that despite my weakness, I am strong in God’s love.
Social Activism as an Emotion
At the wedding on Sunday, Brian and I were chatting with one of the pastors from our church, Gary. Gary is just a year or two older than me so it is really easy to forget that he is supposed to be one of our spiritual leaders. To Brian and me, Gary is just a friend. I’m certainly not in awe of his M-Div from Princeton. It may not sound like a big deal now, but I’m hoping it’s a dynamic of the relationship we can maintain as he goes further into ministry because I think it will be important in keeping him grounded.
We spent a good portion of the luncheon chatting about our friend Jeff, who unfortunately had to miss the wedding. The interesting thing about Jeff is that he is very even in temperament. Good or bad, you’ll never really see or experience a big emotional outburst from him. It is really difficult to push his buttons. He could go through a horrible break up and have his heart crushed in the process and the most emotion you’d see from him would be something along the lines of “Meh, it just wasn’t working out”.
But Jeff is extremely passionate about social activism. Social activism isn’t just something Jeff does – it is an emotion and an experience for him. It can be easy to forget that Jeff could experience emotion until you hear him speak about organizations like Invisible Children or another ministry that he is involved in. It is really inspiring and humbling to hear about what he finds his passion in.
I am not a social activist. In fact, I’m really bad at social activism because I don’t feel like I can change the world, I just feel like I can get mad at it. I’m so quick to anger because of a world wide sense of entitlement and stupidity. But Jeff has this gift where he can see the world and move toward making it better.
What would this world look like if social activism was an emotion for more people? What would it look like if more young people felt the desire and overwhelming urge to help change the world when they saw injustice? What if our minds immediately went to “how can I fix this” instead of “That’s messed up”?
Sometimes I get scared about the idea of Brian and me bringing children into the world. I love kids and I desperately want to create a family with my husband. But I’m not sure it is a mature and responsible to decision to bring small lives into the world we live in now. Somehow, friends like Jeff make me think that maybe my someday babies will be safe. Maybe someday, it’ll be my babies who can change the world.
What if Jesus was Gay?
While I was scanning headlines on Yahoo News today I lunch, I was caught by surprise at a headline. “Gay Jesus play angers Australian church leaders”. I wasn’t really shocked at the headline. I think I would have been shocked had the headline read “Gay Jesus play a hit with church leaders”.
The play, “Corpus Christi”, is being presented at the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in Sydney, Australia and presents a Jesus who was gay and had gay followers. Interestingly enough, the play was directed by a person who identifies himself as a Christian and wanted to provoke debate.
I don’t have a strong opinion on the play either way. As a long time supporter of the theatrical arts, I believe theatre, and in particular, modern drama, is a place where we can talk about topics that make us uncomfortable in a safe, nonjudgemental way. I haven’t seen or read the play yet but I’m curious to see what the play presents.
The topic of the play alone raises so many questions in my mind that I am almost overwhelmed at the thought.
For example:
- What if Jesus was gay? Would you be open to the gospel had it come from the mouth of a homosexual?
- What parts of the gospel could you accept from a Gay Jesus?
- What parts of the gospel would you be unable to accept from a Gay Jesus?
- How does this impact the idea of homosexuality and the Church?
- If there was a Gay Jesus, what would the face of marriage look like today?
- Can we as Christians talk about the impact of this play without getting caught in the shock value of its content?
- Is the idea of a gay Jesus as upsetting to Christians today as the idea of a black Jesus would have been one hundred years ago?
- Can we listen to the message of God without judging the vessel it came in? Or does the vessel make the message?
- What if Mary Magdalene played the role of the Savior and Jesus played her role instead? Would we be able to believe in a female Jesus?
- Would we be willing to buy into and believe in a Jesus that does not look like what our idea of what the Son of God should be?
- Why has faith beome dependent on a Messiah that seems safe?
- How did we forget how unsafe Jesus was to the Jewish population two thousand years ago?
I think the best way to close this is with a quote from the director. I hope to open it up again with your comments and questions.
“I wanted this play in the hands of a Christian person like myself to give it dignity but still open it up to answering questions about Christianity as a faith system,” Leigh Rowney said.
Why I Believe in Chastity as A Spiritual Discipline
Chastity. Scary word. My gut reaction is instant dislike. It reminds me of celibacy, of sacrifice, of doing something for no good reason. Chastity was a praised virtue in my home as a teen yet there was no real reason behind it and my mother probably would have fashioned some sort of chastity belt for me had I held still long enough for her to put it on me. Chastity was a virtue that was never defined but expected and the lack of definition left it blurred with celibacy and fear in my mind.
The dictionary defines chastity as:
1: The quality or state of being chaste: as a: abstention from unlawful sexual intercourse b: abstention from all sexual intercourse c: purity in conduct and intention d: restraint and simplicity in design or expression
2: personal integrityThat’s a lot of meaning to leave undefined.
Upon further dictionary reflection, we can also learn that “chaste” means:
1: Innocent of unlawful sexual intercourse
2: CELIBATE
3: pure in thought and act: MODEST
4: severely simple in design or execution SYN Chaste, pure, modest, decent: shared meaning element: free from all taint of what is lewd or salacious.Translation: once you lose chastity, you can never get it back.
Well, then. What about celibacy? It is another very scary word. It was interesting to learn that celibacy has more to do with being sexually pure and a vow to never marry than with simply not getting any.
Still. Why should I care about chastity? What was it going to accomplish? What was the point of keeping my sexual flower intact? What did I have to gain from it? Did God really care if I was virgin? After all, in the Bible I was supposed to be property handed from one man to another and slavery was okay…. since those standards had changed, why should chastity be any different? Was God going to stop loving me if I had sex? I was desperately screaming out for one good reason to remain a virgin, yet none was being provided.
I wanted a good reason.
Needless to say, I went out and had sex. And nothing bad happened. God did not descend from Heaven to punish me. God was easily pushed out of sight, out of mind. He did not seem all that upset that I was getting some. In fact, I discovered that I was damn good at what I did and I enjoyed it too.
The first time I realized how good I was, I kept thinking about how my mother always told people that I was a jack of all trades and a master of none. Oh, I was a master of one alright. I prided myself on being able to meet needs, wants and desires that men never knew they had. Chastity was something for the archaic Biblical students that I made fun of on a regular basis.
I went along quite happily like this for about six years.Around the time I came to the conclusion that “I can’t get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes and my feet are so black and blue”, I started to realize that my plan of attack might not be the best one. Sex was usually physically fulfilling, it was hit and miss with emotional fulfillment, but at the end of the day, it just was not enough.
So I changed.
I’ve been reading a book titled “Real Sex: The Naked Truth about Chastity”. It is amazing. Very well put together, very well thought out. I soon realized that I finally found all of the answers I so desperately sought in high school.
Chastity was not about not having sex. That was merely a consequence of its purpose. It was not about controlling me. It was not about forcing me into an antiquated patriarchal system, designed to hold me down. Chastity was not about making my mother happy or avoiding motherhood.
Chastity was about bringing me closer to God.
Now I should say that I have had sexual experiences that I do believe have brought me closer to God. All of my sexual past has taught me quite a bit about myself, about other people, about men and women, about Christians and Jews and many other believing/non believing types. It has taught me about my own value, about the values that I admire in others, and about the inconsistencies in my own life. I do not want to discount any of those experiences in any way, shape, or form.
But.
I am now left with questions. Why is chastity a spiritual discipline? How will it bring me closer to God? Can I become chaste after being so unchaste? Will I forever be damaged goods? Will the Christian community damn me before I ever get a foot out the door? Will it get easier with time? Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that it was a discipline?
I am starting to wonder if there might be more teen virgins in the Christian community if it was explained as a discipline. I had no problem as a teen with the concept and execution of tithing. It was so ingrained in me that I knew it was something I needed to do. I really only developed a problem with tithing after I realized that God didn’t strike me down the night I put out. If God wasn’t going to punish me for the sex, drugs, and rock and roll, He certainly wasn’t going to punish me if I didn’t tithe. It all made a previously effortless discipline all that more difficult.
I can’t exactly say what makes chastity appealing. It is a number of things. But that isn’t the point. The point is I am becoming closer to God. It is a lot easier to see my own flaws and faults when I am not hiding behind my ability to attract and bed any man of my pick. While I think I was always authentic with others, I did not have to face as many demons when sex was in the picture. Sex could replace almost anything.
Sex is an easy and comfortable vice of choice.
Something I’ve discovered: Even when I practice chastity, I engage in a large amount of unprotected sex. Sex without a condom is a thrilling experience - not only is there an increased pleasure but there is also and increased thrill. Nothing adds quite the same excitement as the subliminal risk of herpes or the clap. The knowledge that the pleasure could cause so much pain makes the Sexual Roulette such a turn on. You might get an orgasm or you might get AIDS.
Sometimes, you get both.
The sex I talk about now is emotional. I haven’t had sexual intercourse almost four months. Yet the last four months have been marked with unparalleled emotional promiscuity. What makes this emotional sex unprotected is that my partners often do not know that they are having sex with me.
Unprotected sex involves some sort of trust. Committed relationship. Husband and wife. Lovers not fuck buddies. Unprotected sex should be carefully planned and orchestrated. This is not an event to be entered into lightly. In this day an age, most married couples do not truly have unprotected sex until they are ready to reproduce.
New question: have I been committing emotional rape?
Clearly, there are ramifications. And only recently did I realize how frequently I did this. I always knew that laundry was a form of emotional sex for me. I deeply tie my emotions to my ability to provide and care for another person. By taking pride in a man’s appearance, I take pride in him. There is something more emotionally binding to me about cleaning his clothes than there is about having sex with him.
I’m also discovering other acts that are emotional sex. Book lending for one. Words have such an intimate meaning for me. Its one thing to lend a text book. It is another thing to lend a dear old friend of a book. That is how I get myself into trouble. My markings, the inner workings of my mind in relation to the author are exposed. In essence, I am exposed in a way that I might not be ready for and in a way that the other person may never realize. I don’t know how detrimental this could be to me but I’m not sure I want to find out.
Lauren Winner wrote: “Communities working toward chastity ought to have honest and true conversations about sex, conversations that include opportunities for counsel and witness.”
I need to work on that more often.
(Originally published June 28, 2006 on Diaryland)
Why God Does Not Appear On My New Year’s Resolutions
I have noticed on several Christian blogs a theme of adding Christ to one’s New Year’s resolutions. I’m going to pray more. I’m going to tithe. I’m going to read the entire Bible. I’m going to be more active in my Bible Study. I’m going to devote more time to Church. I’m going to attend Church every Sunday. I’m going to be a better Christian.
I am going to hurl.
The problem with these resolutions is two-fold. The first problem is that it says very little or very negative things about your current relationship with God. The second problem is a big more concerning: what will happen to your faith if you do not accomplish your goal? There are probably many other problems that can be mentioned but these are two very important problems to start this examination.
Let me expand by adopting the premise that I am going to read the entire Bible and pray more in 2008. Neither are my goals for the year but I believe it will serve as a good example.
What do these goals tell me about my current relationship with God? First, it tells me that my relationship with Christ has not been a priority in the past. Or rather, using the two measuring sticks of faith called “frequent prayer” and “Bible reading” my faith has been inadequate and it needs to be improved. However, changing these habits to make one’s faith agreeable to these measuring sticks does not automatically improve one’s relationship with God. For example, I can read every page of the Bible. I can memorize every word that escaped Jesus’ mouth. I can read the Bible in its original language. I can become a Biblical Scholar.
None of that means that I have become a better Christian. None of it makes me a better wife to my husband. None of it makes me a better representation of the Christian Faith. I am not “Christ-like” because I have read every page of the Bible.
But it creates a false image. Its creates the idea that by completing certain goals and tasks, one can become a better Christian and in turn a better person and in turn have a better seat in the kingdom of God. While that feeds into the middle class dream of suburbia quite nicely, it does very little for a life of true Christian faith. It only fuels a false image to those in our community of how “godly” we are, feeding our egos and pulling us father from God and Christ.
But the second problem is much larger and has a devastating long term impact. What happens when we fail? What will happen to our faith when we do not reach our goal? Or worse, what will happen to our faith when we reach our goal? As Max Bemis of Say Anything points out “Like Judas the Traitor, we are both favored and deeply flawed”.
We fail. We are humans and we have fallen from grace. We are imperfect people in an imperfect world and we ache for the closeness we once shared with God. We ache to walk with God and to feel complete. We are tempted and we sin and we make mistakes. We search for forgiveness and we grant our own forgiveness sparingly. Setting a goal for faith does leave us in a good position for failure.
What happens when I vow to pray every single day in 2008? Do I have to beg myself and God for forgiveness when I miss a prayer? Or are my prayers filled with the simple requests of children but with none of the heart behind them? And what happens during times of doubt when prayer does not come easily? What happens when prayers are not answered the way I want and in the time I demand?
The rift between me and my maker grows deeper at my own doing? I will have set myself up for failure.
More alarmingly, what happens if I succeed? God will not descend upon me, although if I am truly heartfelt in my 366 daily prayers, I will most likely find peace and grace. But I will not find world peace. I will not discover that there is no more political divide (sadly, I will not find that liberal ideals are no longer forced at me in social situations). I will not find that I suddenly know the meaning of life. And if these were things that I expected as a result of my resolution, what will happen to my relationship with Jesus? Will I still know in my heart of hearts that he is, in fact, my savior? Or will it add to the jaded, cynical edge that taints the rest of my life?
The theme between these problems is simple: by making God part of our To Do List, we attempt to stop God from working in His own mysterious ways. We try to make God another aspect of our day planners. And God cannot be compartmentalized in that way. He won’t be. He refuses to be. And he refuses to fit into our areas of convenience by shaking us up.
These goals take away the true meaning of Christ. As Christ’s followers, we need to be able to go out into the world and do the work of God. And we need to be willing to surrender to the inconvenience of it. We need to be open to those moments not falling within the boundaries of our carefully planned lives.
God is not on my resolution list this year. He’ll do what ever he wants regardless of my vows.
Today in Nebraska
I can’t say I’ve ever paid all that much attention to events transpiring in Nebraska but this one really caught my eye.
The defendant in a state senator’s lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He’s everywhere.
State Sen. Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous, Chambers says he’s trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”
The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused “fearsome floods … horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”
He’s seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.
Wow. I understand from other news reports I follow that this gentleman is either an atheist or an agnostic but still. Wow. God as a terrorist? I thought Jesus came to Earth to spread a message of peace, love and faith but maybe he secretly was a terrorist!
I understand that this Senator believes that he is making a point about lawsuit but I think it means so much more than this. He is, to a certain extent, making a very good argument for people to blame God. He is reducing faith to blind fear.
Can Chambers really sue something he doesn’t believe exists though? Strangely enough, I would have a much easier time swallowing this lawsuit if this came from a person who was a Jew or a Christian. Because the first step in this is to believe that God exists. The second step is to believe a literal translation of the Bible. And finally, you have to believe, on some level, that the quality of your life was dramatically decreased because of these “threats”!
Ironically, the lawsuit Chambers says that his lawsuit is in response to, the lawsuit that was so frivolous, involved the use of language in a trial involving sexual assault. The victim is suing a judge because he won’t allow the words “victim” or “rape” to be used in the trial, in turn, making it very difficult to deal with a horrifying crime.
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