My career and my blogging/writing have no intersection whatsoever. I work in
Pharmaceuticals where there seems to be this sometimes spoken but usually unspoken
rule: social media is a dangerous beast you should avoid. As a result, I spend a lot of time
wondering how hazardous it is to my career for me to tweet, facebook or blog.

For a long time, I avoided all of it. I took something I loved, blogging, and put it on the
shelf in my mind where I did not touch it. I stop journaling. I stopped tweeting. I stopped
responding to comments. All I did was lurk.

The biggest problem with lurking is that it made my ideas smaller. I started to doubt my
opinions and I started to doubt my ability to convey my ideas and insights effectively.
I would read a post and think “wow, this guy is an uneducated jack ass” or “that’s
interesting but I wonder what happens when X, Y and Z also apply” but I would never say a
word.

After a while, I started to notice this trickle down into other areas of my life. My ideas
became smaller. Instead of writing 1000 words a day, I started struggling to write Haiku on
post-it notes or I would think about how I wanted to blog but I didn’t know what I wanted to
say anymore. I changed how I interacted with my friends and family. It was until recently
when my mother made some comment about how much “sweeter” I’ve become over
the last two years that I realized that something was wrong with the direction that I was
growing. (Side note: I can’t think of a single person who knows me well who could refer
to me as “sweet”. I don’t even think my husband could. “Feisty” is usually the descriptive
term assigned to me which is good because “feisty” is interesting and “sweet” stays
home to do the dishes while her husband has an affair. “Aggressive” or “dominant” tend
to be the terms assigned to me when the person describing me isn’t feeling very nice.)

In some arguments, I could eliminate my career. I could find another career or change
industries but I could also face the same challenges with any of those changes. And then
there is the whole aspect that I like what I do for a living and I’m excited to see where it
takes me.

The question I should really be addressing is how to find the place where my career and
writing do not negatively impact each other. I’ve long believed that there is room for both
in my life but I’ve been challenged to find the place where these two pieces can meet. And
really, the question I’m faced with yet again is how do I find balance between all of the
pieces of my life?

I should blog about my extended family’s Thanksgiving and how I’m not sure where I fit into everything. Or rather, how I’m not sure how I fit into the extended Bio-Fam or the extended Adopted-Fam, but at least I know where I fit in with my in-laws.

I should blog about church planting and how it is much harder than I thought it would be and much easier than I thought it would be (but for different reasons).

I should blog about the attempts to make Christmas at our house, now that Brian and I are finally on our own. I should blog about the important lessons I learned by not giving scathing commentary on Brian’s Christmas preferences during our Black Friday shopping excursion.

Oh, and I should blog about why I decided to venture out on Black Friday (for the first time ever as a consumer).

I should do a lot of blogging.

But I’m out of the habit. Moving into our home through off my routines. Getting sick obliterated what was left of those routines. Usually it is insanely difficult for me to break any habit but in this case, it slipped away very quickly.

So maybe I’m changing directions with where I’m taking this blog. Maybe it will be permanent, maybe just a passing transition. Because I do miss it, but I’m overwhelmed and scattered and I feel like I can make no promises at the moment of what my content will be in the future. I don’t want to create expectations that I cannot meet.

At the end, Jun said something about top three tips for couples and if I had any to share. Nope. None. Not one. I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole. No way, no how.

So instead, I’ll share with you my top 3 reasons why I’m not doing it.

1. Misinterpretation.

So many people take amazing advice, twist it around in some weird way in their heads and then apply it in some god awful way to their own life/career/kids/whatever. Maybe they take the advice as literally as they can. Maybe they “tweak it” for their own needs. But then later on, they blame the person who said it initially. I’m not opening myself up for that, or at least not on this topic.

2. Most people are the rule.

They don’t want to be the rule. They want to be special and unique and different and better than everyone else. They want to be the exception to the rule. And then they (especially chicks) read books like “He’s just not that into you” and don’t seem to get that it was written for them. In fact, Greg Behrendt could have titled each book individually to the woman reading it and she still wouldn’t understand the point directed at her. It isn’t fun, glamorous or sexy to be the rule but it is the way life works.

3. We started out as the exception and then became the rule.

Or rather, if you are operating under a different set of rules, look at us. If you want advice on whether or not your current sweetheart is the one for you or how to get your man to buy you the engagement ring you really want, we are not the ones to look at. Brian and I didn’t date. We courted. And even if Brian died tomorrow and it was time to start having relationships again, I still wouldn’t date because I have no business dating. If you want advice on how to court, by all means, call us and we’ll be happy to tell you about our experience. Or in other terms, if dating is the rule, we are the exception. If dating is merely one set of rules, we opted for the courtship rules instead.

So after all of the why I’m not giving relationship tips, here is one tip for you: advice rarely lives in a vacuum, especially when it comes to interacting with other people. If you are given a piece of relationship advice that cannot be applied to any other relationship you have, throw it out. At the end of the day, there isn’t much of a difference between how a person should treat a colleague versus how they treat their spouse versus how they treat the homeless addict on the street. Be kind. Be respectful. Have healthy boundaries. The boundaries are what help you determine what is and is not respectful behavior.

Of course there are extra things you do for your spouse, but the fundamentals of being a person are always appropriate in any situation or relationship.

I am so grateful to be featured by Jun. He’s done a great job with the series so far and I can’t wait to see who he will interview next. Check out the interview here and while you’re at it, check out the guest post Jun shared in September here.

Really? Really, Dorie? After two and a half weeks of a break, you’re ready to come back?

I must be possessed. Because I’m really not sure that I am ready. But I’m also not sure I’ll ever be completely ready. I still don’t know what the changes in my life mean for me or for my family.

Now the question has become “Is not blogging still helping me figure things out and process this change?” Not so much.

If anything it is just throwing me off.

After my declaration to Kathrin, I panicked. Performance anxiety? Maybe. Maybe I had been secretly hoping for some big, profound return where I would write something that was earth shatteringly brilliant and then I could pat myself on the back for returning. But earth shatteringly brilliant ideas don’t come to me while I am on staycation and watching way too much DIY network.

Earth shatteringly brilliant ideas come when I’m interacting, when I’m communicating, when I live somewhere outside of my own head. Those ideas happen in the midst of community.

I spent a week on staycation and now I’m starting to get back into the swing of things. I’m trying to be a person again. My staycation didn’t quite go as planned. When I scheduled it, my plan was to have a one woman writing boot camp – I was going to flesh out the ideas on my personal post to do list and see where it takes me. I was going to be totally blissed out and learning and growing as a writer.

Instead, I grieved. The extent of my writing was a much needed gratitude list. I took long baths. I listened to Patsy Cline. I baked favorite treats. I hid. I turned off the outside world (okay, I was still on twitter but the burst of 140 characters was not taxing). And while it was very good and very needed to do those things, I missed community by the end of it. I felt disconnected.

It turned into a battle to not blog but when I verbally announced my return, I freaked out. Was I even ready for this? If someone left a negative comment for me, would I be able to take it in stride or would I turn to the comfort of homemade baked goods? If no one left a comment for me, would I take it as a personal rejection? Was I even in a place where I could be vulnerable and open again?

So on Monday, I started looking at all of the blogging I missed. I caught up on a few favorites like a little kid sticking one big toe in the deep end of the pool, fearful but knowing I really wanted to be in the water. On Tuesday, I let my feet dangle in the water by responding to a few emails. On Wednesday and Thursday, I started commenting again, holding on to brief interaction with others like an inner tube. And today, I’m in the water. I’m kicking. I’m keeping my head up. I am not drowning.

It’s a little scary coming back but soon my hair will be green like an over chlorinated kid on the last day of summer.

But there are such good reasons for not talking about everything online. Holly Hoffman may have blogged openly about her alcoholism but she also waited a year to do so. Milena Thomas is a happy blogger because she has set her boundaries. After all, is it really anyone’s business? Probably not.

And I have my very own, built in appropriate meter. His name is Brian. You may have heard of him, he’s that crazy guy who thought marrying me would be a really great idea. (Side note: it totally was.)

Brian keeps a good portion of my blogging desires off of the internet. I would love write about sex but sex isn’t just about me anymore. It’s really about my husband. And he would rather it if I didn’t tell everyone about his penis. I’d also love to blog about my in-laws. Because on some level, I still identify them as Brian’s family and therefore, I can mentally critique their behavior in a way that I cannot do with my own family. But he is my family and therefore his family is my family and once again, my built in appropriate meter tells me to put the laptop down. I would also blog about some of my more neurotic tendencies but something tells me that Brian would need to be able to show his face in public again and perhaps I should keep my mouth shut.

I’d love to be a totally open book. But I can’t be.

And then I realize how lucky Rebecca and Ryan have been to have the option to keep their romance off of the blogosphere, at least for a little while. They let themselves have time to be quiet and enjoy the newness of what was happening between them.

Brian never had that option. He just had a wife who blogged.

To make up for my own presence in social media, Brian is just not there. He isn’t on twitter. He occasionally comments on Brazen Careerist as his alter-ego but he’ll never have a profile (probably because he knows I would out him fast enough to make his head spin). He finally has a Facebook page, but he only has that because I created it for him, added all of his friends and then informed him that he had to get with the times. (By the way, you should totally add him as a friend and tell him I sent you. He may squirm a little bit but I think it’s good for him and character building).

Brian has been living on the web for through my identity. I tell you about our life together, usually in six hundred words or less. And then you comment while Brian reads. We rarely hear his portion of the experience, just the way I perceive the world happening. His online identity is based largely on how I see him and not as much on how he sees himself.

And for awhile, Ryan was in the same boat. We saw this mysterious “Zeus” character through Rebecca’s eyes. While he probably could have given her a cute little name and blogged about it on Employee Evolution, he didn’t. But since we weren’t reading about him in terms of “Ryan Healy, Co-Founder of Brazen Careerist”, Zeus’s behaviors made sense to us. Will Zeus still make sense to us tomorrow? Or did the assigned alter ego die a public death?

Now that it is all out in the open, will it change the way we perceive Rebecca’s writing? Will we feel more quick to judge now that the whole world knows? Will we find descriptions of interactions more questionable?

Rebecca knows Ryan for who he is at the end of the day and we just have a sense of who he is during the work day. And really what happens between the two of them is none of our business (we’re not investors in their start-ups).

These questions make me happy that B doesn’t have a blog. I’m not sure I could answer any of those questions in my own online life.

But for the last year and a half, I’ve been running Rising Up and its grown into something I am really proud to have my name on. It is my little blog that could and a source of excitement in my day. My blog has been a tool in my growth.

Last week, I still would have told you that blogging has not changed my life. Last week, I would have told you that I would be doing all of the things I am doing now even if I did not have my blog. Last week, I would have told you that the only person whose life has changed as a result of my blogging was my husband – mainly because I write about him and then he reads it on the internet while strangers comment about the way he lives.

I also would have told you that things that have changed my life include my adoption, meeting my husband, joining my sorority and my involvement at The Well.

I don’t have any dramatic stories about saving the world because of blogging. Instead I can tell you about meeting Kathrin Ivanovic through my blog and working on Change Blogger Philadelphia together. I’m not trying to save the universe – I’m just trying to have an ongoing conversation about change in Philadelphia and its suburbs.

I can’t share a romantic story about how a man once commented on my blog and lo and behold we fell in love. Instead I can tell you about meeting my husband at church through his sister and deciding to get married without ever dating. I never meant to find true love on the internet but I’ve been blessed to have a blog that gives my husband and me something to talk about at night.

I wish I could tell you that someone discovered my blog and decided to pay me six figures to sit around and be fabulous all day. Instead I can tell you about learning how to find the time to feel fabulous. I can tell you about the ongoing adventure this lesson can take and how the adventure evolves as I do.

While I would love to think that I’d be doing all of the same things if I was not blogging, the truth of it is I wouldn’t be. Had I not started blogging, I would have never connected with Brazen Careerist. Had I not connected with Brazen Careerist, I would have never connected with Adam Gilbert (and started working on my fitness goals), Connie (and started working on my career goals) or Kathrin (and started working on my change goals). I would still be married. I would still have the job I have now. I would still have my own home. I will still have community.

But I wouldn’t have blogging and the possibilities that it opens up. I would have different possibilities in my daily life that I don’t have now. Because with all of the doors that blogging can open, it closes other doors. That’s not a bad thing – it just means that those opportunities are not presented to you because of the time you have invested elsewhere.

In my world, blogging has been subtly life altering. Nothing so dramatic that it shook me to my core but consistently pushing me towards a life that is consistent with my values and my dreams.

Two weeks ago was the Brazen Meet Up in NYC and I made the trip up from Philly (which was not a bad trip until I got to the Lincoln Tunnel and wanted to turn around and go home when I realized it was an 8 dollar toll just to drive through a stinking tunnel).  The meet up was great – I met some fabulous people, discovered some great blogs and managed to get drinks with a friend afterward. I also discovered that Ryan Paugh moves about a room like he’s still the fraternity’s social chair (which then begs the question do I still move around the room like a sorority president?). It was worth that 8 dollar toll through a stinking tunnel.

I really wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived at the meet up and I was mildly terrified walking in the door.  And I had a few moments where I thought I could turn around without anyone noticing I had come into the room. It was the same sort of feeling as when I told my stylist that I wanted to dye my hair red.

Much like the red hair, that scary feeling was worth it. Once I got over myself, I had the opportunity to make real changes in my life while I sipped on a $7 (gasp) glass of chardonnay.

1. The fun stuff: I was interviewed by Life Before Noon’s Carla Blumenthal for the Brazen video. Once again, slightly scary but watching the video a week later, I feel really good about how I answered questions and the way I put myself out there. 
2. The work stuff: I started chatting with Caroline and Connie of SixFigureStart and I really connected with Connie and loved talking with her. Then it turns out that Brazen has been connecting career coaches with bloggers. Then Ryan made the connection between Connie and me and now, Connie is giving me some much needed career coaching. Had I not gotten over myself and gone through the door, I never would have met Connie and had this opportunity.  And I get guidance in taking charge of my career.  And I get more things to blog about which is always a plus.   Keep your eyes open as I’ll be sharing what happens here.
3. The personal stuff: I stuck around the event for a lot longer than I had planned. I normally don’t like to be among the last to leave but I was leaving the city that night with a friend who had to work late and I promised my husband I wouldn’t wander NYC by myself. I started chatting with Derek Halpern who made a comment about Adam Gilbert’s blog and company. After I got back to Philly, I made a point to check out Adam’s blog and his company mybodytutor.com. It turns out that Adam is someone who can really help me (I’ve been struggling with my health and fitness goals). That fleeting comment made by Derek sent me in a direction I never anticipated. I’m starting Adam’s program today and once again, I’m a little nervous but I’m also excited because I know I’m about to feel better than I have in a long time. I’ll also sharing updates on my struggles and successes over the coming weeks.

I didn’t have to talk to every single person in the room in order for the event to be successful for me. I just had to talk to a few people and be myself. Maybe networking isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

It was slightly overwhelming as I dialed in last night.  It reminded me of high school when you realized that you were about to spend time with someone much cooler than yourself.

When I started blogging, I got this idea in my head that Penelope Trunk would not be interested in answering questions from me because I was convinced that nothing I could say would be interesting enough for a response.    And I’ve carried this idea in my head for the last two years.  It was a very stupid idea too.

The problem with a stupid idea is that it cripples you.  Especially when you keep the idea to yourself.  If an idea lurks solely in your head, no one will be able to correct you when it’s horrible or guide you to success when you are on the right path.

When you keep that stupid idea inside, you might be temporarily saved from judgment but ultimately, you are only stopping yourself from being brilliant later.

I’m not really afraid of doing stupid things either.  Stupid things can always be corrected later.  I know this to be true because I do stupid things all of the time.  And I have yet to do something so stupid that I can’t recover from it.

Still, I am afraid of having (and sharing) stupid ideas. 

Back to the conference call – I received some great advice last night and heard some things that changed the way I looked at blogging.  Advice that I could have been using for the last year but I wasn’t using it.  Why?  Because that stupid idea living in my head made it physically impossible for me to hear it any sooner.

In the end, I only held myself back.

Let’s face it: the people who inspire you are not going to track you down to tell you something brilliant or give you that swift kick you need to get yourself out of neutral.  But they will be sharing those moments of wisdom with the person who took a few minutes to ask for it.

In the long run, building relationships allows you to be stupid and recover from it.  Because when you are not only having the conversation but growing from it, other people will want to see past your prior mistakes.  Your community will want you to succeed.

Elysa was kind enough to share a post I wrote about Internal Interviews.  Please check it out!

Brian knows I have been blogging for a while now.  I kept a blog over on Diaryland for years until we were engaged and then I let it fall by the wayside (it was one part scathing social commentary and one part “this is what I did today”).  When I started blogging again last May, he did get a bit paranoid (especially after he realized I wrote something about his boxers) but he never really brought it up again.  And I don’t think he’s looked at my blog since then.

Recently, the topic has come up again.  He thinks blogging is stupid.  He has the attitude that he spends enough time hearing about other people’s opinions to begin with so why should he go out of his way to read those opinion as well.  He also wonders what he would blog about (apparently, he believes that no one would be interested in his life as a carpenter).

I told him it was a very good thing that I didn’t write soley for him to read.

I tried to explain to him the idea of community.  The concept of being in conversation with other people who may not live where we live.  I told him about the ability to throw an idea out into the world and see what comes of it.

All of it left me wondering: Why do people start blogs anyway? I started writing because of my love for the written word. But why does everyone else start? I’m fairly certain that not all bloggers out there are posting because they have a physical need to write.

What I really want to know is this: Why did you decide that starting a blog was a good idea?  Is it something to fill the hours or is it something you are passionate about?

And if anyone has a better explaination of blogging, please let me know.  Brian is still waiting.