After about a month in the house, I began to realize that Brian did not kill the water bug. The giant, menacing water bug that was lurking in my house. And the giant menacing water bug start to become a little more brazen, running into the bathroom when I was brushing my teeth or coming into the office while I was reading. The water bug was starting to get comfortable.
I was not having any of it but I would not kill the bug myself. Bugs freak me out.
So I finally snapped one night as I was going up the stairs and the water bug ran past the top of the stairs. I started screaming my head and B came running as if I was seconds away from dying. Which I was contemplating. It would either be a heart attack or a murder-suicide (in which the bug killed me and then turned his evil methods on himself).
“Brian, the bug is still here. Why is the bug still here? I am freaking out.”
And my dear, sweet, kind husband replies: “Well. He’s just minding his own business. He runs around in the hallway and doesn’t go in the rooms. And he doesn’t really cause any trouble. He’s kinda like our pet.”
“Our pet?”
“Yeah. I was thinking we could name him Steve.”
“Um, Steve is a big, nasty bug. Steve is dirty. Are you emotionally attached to Steve?”
“No, but I just really don’t want to kill him.”
“I knew it! You’re emotionally attached to Steve. A big, nasty, dirty bug named Steve who is tormenting, tormenting!, your poor wife who just wants to walk down the hallway without wearing shoes. You know I keep shoes by the bed so I don’t step on ‘Steve’ in my bare feet?”
“No…”
“And now, you’re emotionally attached to Steve. You won’t kill Steve for me! You’ll never kill Steve! Our babies won’t ever learn to walk because we won’t be able to put them on the floor because Steve might eat our babies and we won’t want to kill Steve! And what about the cats? We won’t be able to get kitty friends because they might eat Steve and we’d have to save Steve from the kitty friends!”
“Fine. I’ll kill Steve.”
“Don’t kill Steve for me. Although I guess we’ll have to tell your sister that we can’t watch the baby anymore because Steve, a big, nasty bug is more important than the baby.”
“I’ll go kill Steve. Because you’re right. Steve is a big, nasty bug who doesn’t belong in our house.”
“I hope Steve isn’t a Stephanie.”
In the end, it took about half a can of Raid to kill Steve while I screamed my head off as he tried to escape my husband, the terminator (cue music). He fought hard against it but ultimately he lost his battle and his giant, nasty bug corpse found its way into the kitchen trash. Which I made Brian take out on trash day in case I was attacked by a mutant zombie Steve.
Carm said...
1hahaha this story is hilarious. you described it well- I feel like I watched the whole thing transpire. hahaha
08/13/09 3:32 PM | Comment Link
Carl Weaver said...
2No joke. When my wife and I were newly married, she screamed like she was dying and went to see why. “A flying cockroach the size of a fist!” she yelled, holding up her fist so I could see the size of my foe, which was trapped in the bathroom. It turned out to be a regular size cricket. It sure did scare her though!
I have a strong catch and release policy nowadays, except for infesting type critters like ants, who get killed.
08/24/09 12:34 AM | Comment Link
Tania said...
3Oh man, your bug trials crack me up. I live in an older home and the bug issue really gets to me. Yesterday I was innocently trying to water my flowers and wound up with two spiders bigger than a quarter each crawling down my hands. I am still shuddering.
I kind of feel like one should be listening to a recording of Taps as they read this entry.
08/30/09 9:05 PM | Comment Link
Addison Jackson said...
4Heart attack is the number killer these days, this is probably due to the high cholesterol diets that we have”-~
07/21/10 11:47 PM | Comment Link
Lillian King said...
5heart attack can be prevented by taking CoQ10 and also Fish Oils”"*
09/8/10 2:33 PM | Comment Link