After I finished my last post, I did an exercise with myself to figure out exactly how much was on my plate. Was there really as much everyone tells me there is? Or is it still at a manageable level? If I don’t change anything else in my daily living, how much longer will I be able to keep going at this pace?
My little exercise in time management has a clear answer: not long at all. In fact, I probably should have keeled over from exhaustion about two months ago but somehow I stayed upright and kept moving forward.
At first, I thought my exercise was going to be a list of all of my extracurricular activities that I am involved in on a regular basis but that didn’t work out too well. There were just too many of them and seeing list pour out of my mind and onto the paper in front of me both overwhelmed and scared me. There couldn’t possibly be that much.
And then my little rational voice inside of my head says something along the lines of “No wonder I’m suffocating!”
In order to make this project a little more mentally manageable, I broke my life down into basic categories. “Work” “Wife” “Professional Development” “Church” “Sorority” “Community” “Dorie” Seven manageable categories seemed to make more sense but then I realized that normal people probably don’t need to think about their lives in terms of categories and subcategories. Normal people probably just think about life in terms of “work” “home” and “play”. Normal people probably are not overwhelmed by their list of extracurricular activities.
By the time I was done, I discovered that I have at least 27 different activities in my 7 categories. I say “at least” because I’ve since remembered more.
In case you are anything like me, if you forget you are involved with an organization it’s okay to let it go.
I pulled out my red pen a little later. And it sucked. It was horrible and I hated to do it by I tried to spend a few minutes in my mind with each activity. What would happen if I quit? How much time does this take up a week? Do I give to this organization? Do I take anything away from this organization? Do I have enough time, energy and resources to make this worth my while? If I was not spending my time on this, how would I rather spend it? Does this really make me happy?
The worst part of all was realizing that not only did I have to say goodbye to some of the things that dominate my days but I probably should have done this awhile ago. I’ve been spread too thin for far too long and I haven’t been doing my best work. I couldn’t give everything I wanted to give to the things I loved because there were just too many of them. And still just one me.
At the end of the day, it is not the organizations I am involved with or the work that I do that defines me. The relationships I build are what matters most and it is too easy to let all of the other “stuff” get in the way. The relationship I have with my husband is far more important than a relationship I might someday develop outside of my home.
Milena Thomas said...
1I’m with you. I had dinner with a friend, and we were chatting about our lives and all the projects we have going on. She looked at me and said, “So, where are you going with all of this?”
After a moment I replied, “Listen, my husband and family are the only priorities in my life. Everything else is icing. If some thing I’ve got going on right now turns into something bigger, great, if not, I don’t really care.” Basically, and this might sound bad, but I try to put minimal effort into everything that is not related to family – I definitely fall short of that goal, but at least I know where to steer if I veer off-course.
She seemed a bit surprised, but understanding.
I think it helps to keep things in check like you’ve done. Realizing the extra curricular activities really are “extra” and it’s okay to let them go.
01/16/09 10:30 AM | Comment Link
Emily Stoddard Furrow said...
2Hi Dorie — I just started reading your blog, but I feel like we are thinking about a lot of the same things. I’ve been struggling with the concept of balance for a year or two (well, struggling for a long time but thinking about it intentionally in the last year or two…).
People often suggest, “Remove some activities, just any activities.” and I keep insisting that balance isn’t just about removing a few activities here, adding a few there. Like you say, our lives have to be defined by more than the work we do. It’s more than just a tactical exercise.
That’s why the title really attracted me to this post. I agree that relationships are at the core of happy balance. Without knowing what you’ve got in terms of relationships, it’s impossible to really choose the activities that get you to balance.
Anyway… I don’t mean to write a whole post in response to your post, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing, and I’d love to hear more of your thinking along these lines.
01/16/09 10:34 AM | Comment Link
Carmella Tress said...
3Oh good- that means I am probably not on the list of things to be “cut”, since I am under the impression that we have a worthwhile relationship
Lucky me.
01/16/09 11:53 AM | Comment Link
Tania de Sostoa-McCue said...
4Thanks for the insight Dorie. I come from the other end of the spectrum- almost no activities other than being a stay at home mother. I often wish I was more involved in other communities and activities. I don’t have a lot of time, and I don’t want to waste what I do have. What you had to say really cemented what it is I am searching for- relationships, not activities. Thanks.
01/16/09 12:30 PM | Comment Link
Kelly Anne said...
5Being involved in so many things you have to categorize them? I can definitely relate – this was the story of my life in college, and still is to an extent now.
Your last paragraph is very insightful. It’s something I wish someone had sat down and told me while I was in college – I have no regrets from all the things I was involved in then, but sometimes these life lessons can help us determine just when it is ok to let go of things.
01/16/09 12:53 PM | Comment Link
Katie Konrath said...
6I think it’s really easy to get sucked into the “I have to do this activity” mindset. I really remember getting into this trap in high school. I was in National Honor Society and the Pep Band, and Youth in Government, and Model United Nations, and Newspaper and Yearbook, and Track and Basketball and Swimming and a creative problem-solving program called Destination Imagination… basically a whole ton of things.
Some, like the creative problem-solving competition and track/swimming, I enjoyed. Others, like the Model UN and Yearbook, I’d made a commitment to and was a big part of.
But then there were the things I did just because I thought I was “supposed to” in order to pad my resume for college. (e.g. Newspaper, National Honor Society, Pep Band, etc) I did them because I’d signed up for them at some point, and they were on my calendar, but they really didn’t add to my life. They were more stress-inducing than anything else.
I wish I’d had the foresight in high school to cross out some of those activities like you mentioned doing. Would have made it a lot easier for me to focus on the things I really cared about!
Eventually, in college, I did cut back drastically, and it really helped me have the energy to actually enjoy doing the things I actually wanted to do. (Amazing, huh?!)
When I was so busy though, I think the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I “had” to do everything. I probably should have keeled over sometime in there!
So here’s to cutting back! Congrats for actually doing it!
01/16/09 1:38 PM | Comment Link
Rebecca said...
7People have been telling me since high school that I put too much on my plate. I came so close to burn out last spring that even my college professors started commenting. I’ve tried to cut back since then, but it is hard to knock some responsibilities off my plate.
01/19/09 2:41 PM | Comment Link
Work, Life, Play « Kelly Anne Martin Photography Just another WordPress weblog said...
8[...] “Activites Don’t Equal Relationships“, Dorie says: At the end of the day, it is not the organizations I am involved with or the [...]
05/21/09 11:47 AM | Comment Link