Charlotte called me out again last night on my lack of “no” saying abilities in the midst of a rant about people asking me to do inappropriate things. Which sucked because she was completely right – people do ask me to do inappropriate things on a regular basis, probably because there is a good chance that I won’t say yes but I won’t say no and I’ll do what needs to get done anyway because I cannot handle the incompetence that surrounds me.
Once again, I hate it when she is right. Which happens to be all the time. (Or at least enough of the time to know that it is more often than when I am right.)
While I know that its good that I have friends who are smarter than me in some respects, who know themselves and have the confidence to say something to me when I’m doing something dumb, it can be irritating. Maybe I do want to make bad decisions. After all, I’m only 26 and while I’m married, I don’t have any kids. Maybe I should try to do as much dumb decision as humanly possibly before there are children in the hopes that I can get it all out of my system.
And then it hits me like a freight train: this is what living in community really looks like. Having crazy friends who are smarter and wiser and more mature than you are call you out on the things that will ultimately hurt you and hurt your growth.
Along with that freight train comes the knowledge that my desire to make stupid decisions prior to baby making has nothing to do with what I think it is all about. There is no lifetime maximum pay out on stupid decisions. Potentially, I could make stupid decisions all day, every day until the day I leave this earth. My desire to make stupid decisions, however fleeting or dominant that desire may be, has everything to do with me wanting a free pass at life.
I don’t know that wanting a free pass at life is necessarily a bad thing, but I do know that actively pursuing that desire is ultimately destructive in the end. That free pass would strip away the vibrant colors that come with learning how to make good decisions. That free pass does not exist in the ways we hope it would.
This wave of self awareness is overwhelming.
But I have friends like Charlotte who encourage me to be in community but not let myself turn into the community’s bitch. And in order for that community to thrive, the burden of responsibility does not need to fall on a small handful of individuals. The burden of responsibility does not need to fall on me (even if I secretly want it to fall solely on me).
My plan to just say yes to things to the things I love instead of wasting energy on saying no to the things that drain me might just be a failure. And that’s okay. As always, it is finding that balance between extremes, that sweet spot that healthy and sane and rational.
I still have a very long way to go.
Carmella Tress said...
1I really do love reading your posts. *sigh* thank you.
01/15/09 2:14 PM | Comment Link
Raven said...
2I wanted to thank you for two things: 1) an insanely beautiful post about self-reflection 2) including my post as source of inspiration.
I can only hope that there as just as many young men and women who can be as insightful about their shortcomings, but it’s the short comings that make us so much more interesting in my opinion. And, in some (weird) way – the shortcoming on the flip side is a strength in another way.
I think what matters is being able to rein in the weakness and turn it into something that adds to your strengths.
01/15/09 10:17 PM | Comment Link
Charlotte said...
3Are you surprised that I, too, “secretly want it to fall solely on me”. But I’ve learned if I take complete responsibility for three projects, that doesn’t leave time to be tangentially involved in three other projects. Even though I hate to occasionally ask someone else to drive my grandmoter to an appointment and give up repsonsibility, it means I get to do other things I love- like spend time wth people like you.
01/16/09 10:49 AM | Comment Link