My mother says I have a problem saying no and she tells me this frequently, as if I have never heard it before and as if it will be the most profound piece of advice a mother can give to her daughter. She says it in the tone of voice that tells me she feels the need to correct this shortcoming in me as an adult because she did not realize it was a problem when I was a child.
This is a long term pattern of behavior. Someone should have realized that I had a problem in the third grade when I refused to quit ballet even though I believed that ballet classes were a level of hell previously unrecognized and I was convinced that my ballet teacher was out to get me. I didn’t want to quit because I might like someday.
These days, my mother points out my problem saying no when I say no to her. Or try to establish healthy boundaries with my mother. Which I guess are not pleasant concepts for her to deal with.
I’m told the latest example of my inability to say no involves me using a vacation day to go with a neighbor to family court. However, I beg to differ. I think it was an excellent example of my ability to selectively say yes.
By going to court to support my neighbor, I said yes to my community. I showed support to a young mother who has three kids and no family in area. Being apart of a community takes hard work and good effort. And being apart of a community means staying involved even when you would rather stay in bed.
I said no yesterday to moving in with my neighbor temporarily. Partially because I didn’t really want to and partially because my husband would not have been pleased. Saying no to the request I couldn’t handle allowed me to say yes to something else: I can be a friend to my neighbor and not a court appointed supervisor. She has enough people in her life functioning as supervisors. What she really needs now are girlfriends.
Most importantly, yesterday I said yes to my little somewhat balanced life (although, I did hear rumblings that I was unhinged to be using my precious vacation time that way). I acknowledged that in my life, balance might not be measured in the same way that other people measure it. While I still don’t have my perfect definition of what balance is, I am one step closer to a working definition.
Thinking more about my mother’s observation on my no saying abilities makes me wonder: would we be happier if we learned to say yes to the things we love instead of worrying about saying no to the things we don’t love? And is there a difference between the two? Could we get farther in our careers by choosing to say yes selectively rather than learning to set the boundaries that allow us to say no?
JR Moreau said...
1Making everyone happy is a dead end desire. Saying “no” winds up being a part of everyone’s life at some point. It’s just when you’re saying “yes” to everyone else, you’re saying “no” to yourself more often.
01/7/09 8:50 AM | Comment Link
Charlotte said...
2ah, fousing on the solution and not the problem! I love it!
01/8/09 8:01 AM | Comment Link
Dorie said...
3@JR Moreau – You said it so much better than I did. I think where I meant to go with this and failed to explain better is that really you can’t let someone other than yourself determine the strength of your “no” saying abilities. My mother/friends/coworkers/box of junk/whoever might think I have a problem saying “no” to other people because I don’t say “yes” when they think I should. For me, this was a big exercise in regaining my perspective.
@Charlotte – Email me more questions I can say yes to!
01/8/09 2:16 PM | Comment Link
Raven said...
4Saying no can mean so many things. It can mean “No, not right now” or “No not ever” – I think decisions are always can be viewed as never ending negotiations. You may be saying no for now (or yes) – but changing your mind is always an option.
01/10/09 9:59 AM | Comment Link
Payton Butler said...
5Looks like this “Robin Hood” movie would be a great movie to watch just like the movie about King Arthur.~-:
05/5/10 12:22 AM | Comment Link