I was chatting with my friend Charlotte the other day after a meeting out by our cars in freezing cold December weather. Mainly because I can’t find any other time to talk to my friends than standing outside our respective vehicles before I take off for another meeting or obligation. I’ve been operating this way for months now.
I started joking to her about it. “Charlotte, if only I didn’t have this job! It takes up all of my time!” Except I wasn’t really joking because lately I’ve been wishing I was a trophy wife (sometimes, I dream that Brian makes way more money that he does just so I can be one of the women at the gym who goes there at nine in the morning and then meets with girlfriends for lunch) and I was really hoping she would just laugh at me.
But in typical fashion, she had to go and say something profound when I didn’t want her to say anything profound. I just wanted her to agree with me.
“Dorie, it’s not your job that’s the problem. It’s your extracurricular activities.”
Of course, to really make her point, she started making a verbal list of things that I do outside of work and I couldn’t stop myself from calling out “Don’t forget about my blog!” like a complete crazy woman.
My first instinct was to tell her that I’m not in high school anymore and these “extracurricular activities” are my just my life but suddenly, I felt like I was seventeen again, with a jam packed schedule.
And she was right. I’ve been going at the same breakneck pace since I was 14. The only thing that has ever really slowed me down for anything length of time were two car accidents. Even when I had mono when I was 16, I still did all of my after school activities (I was physically unable to convince myself to stop even though I needed to sleep for 16 hours a day).
School and work were just things that kept me from doing what I really wanted. My unbalanced, unhinged life strikes yet again.
I can’t blame my level of stress on anything I want but it doesn’t change the fact that while I can say no to other people, I am not capable of saying no to myself. I’m not capable of saying to myself “I’m just too busy today; I need to restructure my priorities”. Instead, I focus on fitting in a meeting at six in the morning for coffee because I can’t say no to the chance to see a friend.
Most of us are not independently wealthy. Most of us will have to work for most of our lifetimes and will be on a budget during the times we are not working – whether it is on vacation or maternity leave. Work is rarely optional so you can’t blame your job for very long during your periods (or seasons) of unbalanced/unhinged living.
I still hate to cut back and while I know tough choices are a key part of adult living, it is still difficult.
A few minutes later in the conversation, Char overwhelmed me again with another question: “Can you honestly say that all of your extracurriculars bring you joy?”
Maybe. Maybe not.
I know that doing laundry doesn’t bring me joy but I also know that not going to work naked does bring me joy. And brings my husband joy when I’m not going to work without my clothes. Maybe a lack joy isn’t enough of a reason to not do something but something that should fall into how we place our priorities.
Once again, I find that I don’t have anymore answers but more things to take into consideration.
Carm said...
1haha so wait- does that mean it was bad to meet for coffee at 6? or was it one of those sacrificial-but-good-for-you things?
12/23/08 1:59 PM | Comment Link
Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up » Self Knowledge Comes In Waves » Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life said...
2[...] Charlotte called me out again last night on my lack of “no” saying abilities in the midst of a rant about people asking me to do inappropriate things. Which sucked because she was completely right – people do ask me to do inappropriate things on a regular basis, probably because there is a good chance that I won’t say yes but I won’t say no and I’ll do what needs to get done anyway because I cannot handle the incompetence that surrounds me. [...]
01/15/09 11:54 AM | Comment Link