I’ve never been the poster child of a balanced life. I’ve always been a person of extremes. I used to tell people that it was a side effect of my ADD – I couldn’t choose what was going to take my attention but when something did have my attention, it had it completely. For the most part, I was okay with it.
But it does not lead to a balanced life.
As an adult, it leads to a very unbalanced life.
But part of me wants the balanced life because I think it would be easier on my husband. While he says he knew what he was getting himself into when he decided he wanted me to be his wife, I’m not always sure he fully comprehended just how unbalanced I can be when I am left to my own devices. I have this idea in my head that part of being a good wife is being a balanced wife (this goes hand in hand with my suburban dreams of vacuuming in pearls and my house making it on the home tour).
So I’ve been trying to measure my success in a balanced life daily. Did I go to the gym today? Did I work a reasonable work day? Did I cook dinner? Did I spend quality time with my family? Did I accomplish all necessary grooming activities? Did I pay the bills for the week?
But I’ve been forgetting about the “me” things. My writing isn’t exactly a group activity. I love to paint but I don’t think I’ve managed to spend time in my studio (a corner of my basement) in at least a month. Reading is a vital to me as breathing air but I find that I have not made a dent in my books to read pile and I’ve stopped writing down titles that I think might interest me.
Part of this has to do with my buying into the suburban dream that we can have it all. We can have the perfect house with the perfect meal on the perfect table and the perfect job pays for the perfect meal with a perfect family with perfect manners sitting at said perfect table. But life doesn’t work that way.
Part of this has to with the fact I never really established what my own balanced life would look like but I made criteria to judge my progress. I put my cart before my horse. And since I didn’t know what my own personal balanced life would look like, there was no way for me to integrate that with my family’s balanced life. I needed a good, strong definition but all I really had was everyone else’s ideas.
The biggest part of this has to do with me trying judge a balanced life daily. I was staring at the grain of sand and I thought I knew what a desert looked like. I lost my sense of the big picture and with that, I lost my sanity. I was making myself insane with unrealistic ideas of what balanced looked like.
Maybe the solution is to realize I won’t ever be able to judge a balanced life in terms of days or weeks. The overall balance is much more important that what a Monday looked like. Maybe the only time we can truly decide if a life was balanced is after we retire.
For now, I’m trying to abandon my dream of a balanced life. I’m not a balanced person and I want the freedom to be unbalanced without feeling guilty for it or disappointed in myself.
All I really know is that I don’t want an unhinged life.
Alaia Williams said...
1“Balanced” is so subjective. Everyone has their opinions. When I look at the questions you asked yourself, I just thought WOW. But I’m not married, so I don’t have that extra stuff to deal with.
I just try to take it day by day. Because all my income comes from my business and freelance work, I often spend TOO MUCH time working, trying to squeeze as much out of everything as I can to make it by. Balance for me is saying, “okay, time to unplug for today. Read, take a bath, go for a walk. entirely unplug for some moment of the day.” If I’m not with a client it is likely that I am at home, on the computer all day, hoping a new client will come my way. That’s not good. I can sit in the same chair without moving for HOURS. That’s bad for my eyes and the rest of my body.
Trying to achieve a “balanced life” as a whole? That would be overwhelming and I’m sure I’d fail. I tend to set lofty goals (exercise every day, cook once a day, generate $x of income each day) and that goes out the window quickly. Then I feel bad. Focusing on each day is more manageable for me. I guess I’m kind of saying that opposite of what you did. But for me, it is just easier to take things day by day and try my best. It’s not that I try to fit everything into one day – work, play, volunteer, 10 hours of sleep, exercise, cooking 3 meals a day, house cleaning. I take baby steps. Work less than 14 hours a day. Get up and stretch every hour. Spend an hour on the slowest day of my week picking up around the house (very tiny apartment).
I’m stopping now, my comment is already way too long!
12/3/08 12:45 PM | Comment Link
Norcross said...
2Just a quick thought (as I’m working and I think this will be on BC tomorrow), the idea of balance that you portray is missing one important thing: weighting. Not every task and priority of my life has equal weight. If I am striving for balance, I have to take into account the weight of each thing. Spending time with my son is more important than the gym, bills (at that moment), and a lot of grooming (as evidenced by my 3 week overdue haircut need).
12/3/08 12:53 PM | Comment Link
Carmella said...
3You are amazing. Insightful even when unhinged. I think this is one of your biggest strengths and assets, my friend. I applaud you for taking an honest look at yourself and now, being willing to examine and change. You are truly a beautiful person.
12/3/08 1:10 PM | Comment Link
Christopher Lee said...
4To hell with balance. Thinking about it in terms of “Did I spread my time out evenly with all the millions of things I need to do today?” only leaves you frustrated with the fact there are only 24 hours in a day.
If we focused on what makes us happy, and make sure we do those things everyday, I think it makes this life much happier.
12/4/08 11:02 PM | Comment Link
Alex Fisher said...
5Great article Dorie. You’re onto the right idea– judge yourself by what is right in your own eyes, not the eyes of others. No one needs to accept who you are and what you do except yourself. Be comfortable with that, and the rest falls into place.
12/5/08 1:15 AM | Comment Link
Kristina Summers said...
6Wow…. Dorie, I feel that I could have written this post myself and I mean absolutely no arrogance when I say that.
Since my divorce and subsequent remarriage I have been trying to discover that one small thing that will make my life balanced….but in truth it just never will be.
I am not balanced by any means, although the meds do help…but I am a mother of three and a grad student with a full time job…my ADD gets in the way a good bit.
Like you say, the hubby claims he knew what he was in for, but at times I wonder. I will never be the perfectly groomed wife with dinner on the table and the kids bathed and put to bed by eight. Just not going to happen.
So I carefully negotiate my self-imposed chaos and embrace what I love in life and try not to think too hard about what I am not. I have a purpose and that is enough for me, for now.
nice post.
12/14/08 3:04 AM | Comment Link
Dorie Morgan’s Rising Up » Did blogging change anything? » Navigating Twenty-Something Suburban Life said...
7[...] But for the last year and a half, I’ve been running Rising Up and its grown into something I am really proud to have my name on. It is my little blog that could and a source of excitement in my day. My blog has been a tool in my growth. [...]
12/16/08 12:23 PM | Comment Link