I canceled my hair appointment that I scheduled for last Friday. I justified it by saying that my roots really aren’t that bad, my layers are falling in a very cute way around my face and if I waited till closer to Thanksgiving, I’d look nicer for the holiday season.
Money has been tight in the Morgan household lately and I didn’t want to ask Brian for $100 for a cut and color when he’s been eating PB&J at lunch for the last month. If you’ve been reading along, you know that my husband is a carpenter. With the current state of the economy, people are not adding crown modeling, shadow boxes and staircases with the same enthusiasm they did three years ago. He’s still working most days now but that doesn’t mean I can keep spending the way we used to.
Canceling that hair appointment seemed like a really smart idea. It would also give me more time to think of a low key idea for my hair – red hair may make me feel bodacious but it’s a lot more work than I thought it would be. I don’t dye my hair myself because the last time I did, it turned pink. That was okay for college but this is the working world and the pharmaceutical industry is not filled with pink haired employees.
But on Thursday, a close friend of the family (Demi) died suddenly. We didn’t hear about it until today and the viewing is tomorrow.
Suddenly, my roots look like Shakira’s in the “Underneath Your Clothes” video. My cute layers are not feeling so cute. And don’t even get me started on the state of my eyebrows.
It’s a reminder that the way I present myself might be different from the way I see myself.
When things are going well, it is really easy to look in the mirror and think about how great you are/look/feel.
But when life hits you unexpectedly, it is easy to let those doubts (that are usually kept at bay) seep in.
Reality is somewhere in the middle. My hair doesn’t look as great as I thought it did last week when I canceled my appointment but it doesn’t look as bad as I think it looks today. And really, my hair has nothing to do with the world that surrounds me.
There is this fine line between taking pride in your appearance and letting your appearance take over you. You need to go to work each day, dressed with the same passion that you dressed with before your first job interview. You need to also be able to still get your hands dirty in life – whether that be making mud pies with a small child or trying something new for the first time.
Demi was a person who saw my family at their best and at their worst. She set my parents up on their first date even though neither of my parents were interested in dating. She stood by my mom when my mother was raising a small child by herself. And it was at her house where I got stuck in a tree when was five.
It is easier to fixate on my own appearance than it is to really process what happened. Because I can change myself but I can’t change what happened.
Deb said...
1Hey sweets. I’m really sorry to hear about your family friend – I’m sure that is a loss that’s tough to bear. I’ll be praying for you.
On your post, it’s interesting that you focus on the little things in grief because I tend to ignore the little things. Thinking back, for example, to 9/11. I was just moving home from England and looking for an apartment in New Hope and about to start a new job in NJ. 9/11 hit and suddenly the things that were consuming my life on 9/10 ceased to matter. Everything was thrown into perspective by that event and my grief caused me to feel like all the little things would work themselves out because clearly they didn’t matter as much as whether or not I was going to see all of my friends again.
Anyway, I completely understand your perspective – it makes perfect sense. I just never thought about it that way before.
As always, I love your transparency. Chin-up girl. I’m praying for you.
11/10/08 2:45 PM | Comment Link
Dorie said...
2@Deb – Thanks. It means a lot. I was surprised at how hard it hit me.
When life gets rough, I always focus on the details. Its why I’m a good person to have around when rough stuff hits other people – I am very good at focusing on the details of life they would neglect while they focus on healing. But when the rough stuff hits me, I do the exact same thing – only this time, there is no healing involved.
11/10/08 3:33 PM | Comment Link