• Archive for August 4th, 2008

    A mentor for my marriage will matter more

    August 4, 2008 // 7 Comments »

    Posted in church, marriage, reflecting on self, relationships

    I suck at finding mentors.  I hate asking people to mentor me.  I don’t know how to do it without it becoming awkward.  And I secretly fear that the person I’m asking will laugh and say no.

     

    When I was in college, it was so much easier.  The theatre association I joined assigned every new member a mentor, it was just up to you to maintain the relationship.  When I joined my sorority, you picked your big and your big then mentored you through out your Greek Life experience (and I still go to my big when I’m mulling over major life decisions, Thanks Michelle!).  When I was elected president of my chapter, there was an alumnae member just waiting to be my advisor.  Everything was provided for me.

     

    But now, I have to find my own mentors.  And I don’t know where to begin.  I really don’t have a mentor for my career or a mentor for blogging. 

     

    I’m more concerned though about finding a mentor for my marriage.  Because, at the end of the day, I will only be married once.  Making this work, and in a healthy way, is so important.  I won’t get another shot at a happy marriage but there will always be a second chance with my career.

     

    There are a few reasons why finding a couple to mentor my marriage is so hard.

    1. So many marriages end in divorce.  And so many marriages end after the kids have already grown and left the house.  I don’t want to be mentored by someone whose marriage is falling apart but at the same time, you don’t really know if a marriage is successful until one of its partners has died.
    2. We would have to find a couple that would be beneficial for both of us. This mentoring relationship wouldn’t just be about me and the mentor but me, my husband and the mentoring couple.  Just thinking about establishing a relationship makes me realize just how different Brian and I truly are.
    3. My husband and I are Christians.  Brian has a Pentecostal upbringing whereas I have a Presbyterian past.  But here’s where it gets complicated: I broke away from the church for years (hello sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll). It took a long time for me to come back to the church and when I did, I discovered it was really difficult for me to relate to other Christians.  Brian, on the other hand, has no past like that to deal with and address.  My past is just as much a part of my marriage as the present we now share.  We encounter very few Christian couples who understand what that sort of past really means.

     

    With that being said, not having a mentor is just not a good idea.  But I’m not quite sure where I am supposed to go next.  And when something is so important, how do you establish criteria without crippling yourself in the process?  It almost feels more difficult than the decision to become a married couple. 

     

    Where do you find your best mentors?  And how do you establish that relationship once you have realized the potential?