I am a crappy bride.
And I’m not presenting that in a “I moonlight as bridezilla causing terror in the hearts of bridesmaids everywhere” sort of way.
I’m that bride that cares tremendously about the way this day looks and at the same time, I don’t give a rat’s ass.
I am a crappy bride.
When Brian and I first started to plan our wedding, I really tried, with all of my heart, to engage in a less is more strategy. A wedding is only one day. It does not make a marriage. A marriage will not be better or worse based on the number of guests who attend, how plentiful the flowers were, or whether or not the bridesmaids are perfectly matched. None of those things reflect a level of committment to making a marriage work. They instead reflect a committment to material things.
From the beginning, I wanted this to be simple. I did not have much of a desire for flowers. I wanted this to be a “clean line” wedding. I wanted classic and timeless and less fuss. I wanted more people and minimal fluff. I wanted great pictures of the people I love, not great pictures of flowers and reception sites.
Our wedding is going to take place in our little warehouse church called The Well. (Check out our website at www.thewellpa.com) It is fitting there. Brian and I met because of The Well. It is a place where we belong and where we are supported.
But then…
There is the nightmare that is the reception.
My mother has decided that the reception shall take place at the Middletown Country Club, where she and my father had their reception sixteen years ago. Very over the top, a lavish display of money, and nothing that resembles the clean, classic wedding that Brian and I desire.
I know I should be happy that my parents want to provide this wedding for me, but at the same time, it is not the wedding I want. It is not the wedding that Brian wants. It is the wedding that my mother wishes she had years ago. I feel so ungrateful for all of it.
And I don’t want to feel that way.
I know it will be an enjoyable day for our guests. I know everyone will have a good time and I will have a good time. I know I will be amazed when I see Brian’s face waiting for me. I know I’ll probably cry like a baby at some point.
I’m still kinda sad that it won’t be the wedding that I want.
And I worry that someday I’ll plan the wedding that I dreamed of for my children instead of the wedding that they want.
I have this idea in my head that I should be happy as a bride, but instead, I feel like I just need to survive my wedding.
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